So down is the dumps lately....Lately as in like a year, but slightly worse.
Honestly I've been trying to "get bettter" for other peoples sake. But i'm trying.
I feel like that everything that I have wrong with me is like my own doing and for like no god damn reason....Like other people have triggers to their eating disorders and other stuff...Like bullying and abuse and drugs and like the list goes on....I don't And I feel so god damn selfish for continuing to hurt myself all the time. I have no reason to....I do have a select number of people that say they love me and apparent friends that like me....but it's like I don't? In my fucked up head anyhow...
Soooo my lovely head has come up with this idea...what they can't see cant hurt them....Hurts me but it dont hurt them...So I let my blood sugar run really high like over 20 mmol/l (360mg/dl) I purposely omit bolusing aka giving insulin and I don't check my blood sugar so I don't know what they are. It's a very slow suicide...kind of like anorexia....which I also have apparently even though I'm friggin' too big to even be considered....i'm like 5'7 127 lbs so my bmi is like 19.9 and underweight is considered 18.5 and like thats not even small.....
I'm going to pick up some bad habits again but this time i'm going to be better at hiding them... I need to...my brain wont stop...I've sought help for over a year and i've listened and went against everything I thought and it isn't working.
Right now I really want to cut deep let my blood drain and slow...I deserve it..I don't deserve to take the easy way out and to be a coward about it. I'm not ready tonight...but very soon..not soon as in months...sooner prob I have no reason to be here...just a waste of air and money...
This is how I feel every single night before I go to bed...I'm worse in the nights......
