Hey
Isn't it funny how I've spend every little inch of strength I had to get better and I have been "better" for a while. But I wanna ruin it. I'm selfish. I have people that love me, shouldn't that be enough in my conceded head? I just wanna hurt myself. I wanna starve myself and cut and just throw myself in the gaabage. Life is so god damn exhausting and I've become such a horrible person that I shouldn't even be here anymore.
I've completely lost anyone outside of family that I've ever met or befriended...why? I have no idea, maybe my constant whining or trolling or my hypocritical comments. Maybe the fact I honestly stopped giving two shits about anyone because in some way or another they've hurt me. Everythings pointing back to me. Why did my beautiful gf build me up so much so I just bring others down. People annoy me. I annoy myself. I have no idea where this came from but it just appeared. In a small way I feel like i'm being controlled. I've never noticed until I've had time alone on here. Facebook, tumblr and other social sites are frowned upon. I dunno It's good i guess because i can't handle drama but I dunno. I'm gone off into another world for abit, writing never was my forte.
Ciao\
Melissa
Monday, September 23, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
June 1, 2013
Hey
It's been awhile.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm such a horrible disgusting human being. I make my way through just to cause destruction and heartbreak into every-bodies lives.
My girlfriend doesn't need this. I'm making her unhappy but she loves me so much that she lets it slide. The one time that she couldn't be there for me and I lose it at her. Telling her that I don't wanna move out with her anymore and that i'm ruining her life so I might as well end mine. And how she should kick me to the curb. And how I hate myself so much that i'm gonna hurt myself so bad that i have cuts everywhere.
I don't know. I'm making something out of nothing. There is nothing medically wrong with my head. It's like i'm pushing her to break up with me so i can basically kill myself. I cannot see myself having a good job, kids, a life. I see myself hurting everyone around me and causing pain.
I just wanna give up I hate hurting her. I know how I want out. And theres no issue of me pursuing it only the fact i promised her i'd never commit suicide when I was with her.
That's my speal for now..
Ciao
It's been awhile.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm such a horrible disgusting human being. I make my way through just to cause destruction and heartbreak into every-bodies lives.
My girlfriend doesn't need this. I'm making her unhappy but she loves me so much that she lets it slide. The one time that she couldn't be there for me and I lose it at her. Telling her that I don't wanna move out with her anymore and that i'm ruining her life so I might as well end mine. And how she should kick me to the curb. And how I hate myself so much that i'm gonna hurt myself so bad that i have cuts everywhere.
I don't know. I'm making something out of nothing. There is nothing medically wrong with my head. It's like i'm pushing her to break up with me so i can basically kill myself. I cannot see myself having a good job, kids, a life. I see myself hurting everyone around me and causing pain.
I just wanna give up I hate hurting her. I know how I want out. And theres no issue of me pursuing it only the fact i promised her i'd never commit suicide when I was with her.
That's my speal for now..
Ciao
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Feb 14, 2013 The big update
Hey
Well i'm in for a major explanation/update.
On Feb 6 at like 730 I tried to kill myself. Tried as in not succeeding....unfortunately. I have no regrets and i'll do it again but next time it will work...
Anyways!
Went to my psych who sent me to the waterford and there I stayed for 8 hours waiting!!!! I told them buggers thats I had an intention of harming myself and overdosing. I TOLD THEM! I maxed out my insulin so when i wanted to I could O.D. They were going to let me go apparently.
Until! I gave myself 25 units of insulin. ( I was on 4 units a day) So about 6 x my daily limit.....I was chatting it up with another patient and she told on me. Boy were they pissed....Well Then I got to take a ride to the wonderful st claires for a nice I.V set up of sugar.....I attempted to re-plug in my pump there buttttt my "babysitter" aka nurse seen what I did and confiscated my pump....Fun times I was there hooked up from 830pm-2am......and my sugars droppped. So then they gave me orange juice and i refused to drink it and then they gave me a sandwich and i refused to eat that so then i got head to head with another nurse and she threatened to restrain me and shove a feeding tube down my nose......Fun.. Can't remember any much else from that night....
Then I was admitted to the waterford short stay for apparently 5 days..or 4 I honestly don't know. From Feb 6 wed- Feb 11 monday. Where I continued to hurt myself daily....Finding metal and needles and hard plastic to cut with....Got several items 2-3 times each day...even though they were watching me....yeah...
I was put on constant watch twice and got into loads of sooky spells and I was sick for the majority of it and still am to the day!
Worst thing is, I'd do it again. But this time i'm taking 3 vials instead of 25 units...a vial has about 500 units each i'd say.....It will work. but not right now. things are to hot and i'm constantly watched... I wish I could feel differently but I don't...
I'm tired and I have so much hate and I love my girlfriend and i'd hate to hurt her....and I am ...everyday..it's not fair.
I wish last year didn't happen. And if it did I wish it worked out....It's the not knowing that is eating at me. For A full fucking year. I've tried everyday to forget ...every day. I'm crazy I know that , even stupid. I guess thats the way it is!
Ciao
-Mel
Well i'm in for a major explanation/update.
On Feb 6 at like 730 I tried to kill myself. Tried as in not succeeding....unfortunately. I have no regrets and i'll do it again but next time it will work...
Anyways!
Went to my psych who sent me to the waterford and there I stayed for 8 hours waiting!!!! I told them buggers thats I had an intention of harming myself and overdosing. I TOLD THEM! I maxed out my insulin so when i wanted to I could O.D. They were going to let me go apparently.
Until! I gave myself 25 units of insulin. ( I was on 4 units a day) So about 6 x my daily limit.....I was chatting it up with another patient and she told on me. Boy were they pissed....Well Then I got to take a ride to the wonderful st claires for a nice I.V set up of sugar.....I attempted to re-plug in my pump there buttttt my "babysitter" aka nurse seen what I did and confiscated my pump....Fun times I was there hooked up from 830pm-2am......and my sugars droppped. So then they gave me orange juice and i refused to drink it and then they gave me a sandwich and i refused to eat that so then i got head to head with another nurse and she threatened to restrain me and shove a feeding tube down my nose......Fun.. Can't remember any much else from that night....
Then I was admitted to the waterford short stay for apparently 5 days..or 4 I honestly don't know. From Feb 6 wed- Feb 11 monday. Where I continued to hurt myself daily....Finding metal and needles and hard plastic to cut with....Got several items 2-3 times each day...even though they were watching me....yeah...
I was put on constant watch twice and got into loads of sooky spells and I was sick for the majority of it and still am to the day!
Worst thing is, I'd do it again. But this time i'm taking 3 vials instead of 25 units...a vial has about 500 units each i'd say.....It will work. but not right now. things are to hot and i'm constantly watched... I wish I could feel differently but I don't...
I'm tired and I have so much hate and I love my girlfriend and i'd hate to hurt her....and I am ...everyday..it's not fair.
I wish last year didn't happen. And if it did I wish it worked out....It's the not knowing that is eating at me. For A full fucking year. I've tried everyday to forget ...every day. I'm crazy I know that , even stupid. I guess thats the way it is!
Ciao
-Mel
Monday, February 4, 2013
Feb 3
Hey
My mind is going a million miles a sec now so i just need to write and half of it is stupid but i just need too.
I feeel like I should be like soooo happy. Kind of funny actually but, Anyhow I've met this amazing girl. Shes purely an amazing person. She 1000000% there for me and shes there every god damn step of the way of this horrible process of "getting better".
I'm telling myself I'm not fat, I'm fine the way I am I need to change my diet, i need to take insulin, I don't need to lose weight. I could gain a few lbs, I need to work out more and tone up, I'm going to listen to the help. But on the same time.
I'm huge, If you change your gonna gain more weight and feel more shitty and spaz out more than what i'm spazzing at right now. If you eat healthy your gonna be miserable, if you take insulin you'll gain weight,
But yet 90% of the food i'm eating is chocolate and chips and diet pop. I'm not exaggerating one bit...actually maybe I am I think I should bump that number up to 95%.
Sooo I'm miserable now...which i fucking shouldn't be and i'm afraid if i do any of the "good" things i'll be more miserable....seriously wtf do I have to lose.
I want to love the girl i'm with. I love texting her like every minute of every day and I love spending every non working minute with her but it's like I find ways to torture myself . And shes there for me. she hasnt run away and she's amazing. She doesnt judge. She doesnt tell me to get better. She would like it if I did certain things but she isnt judging. I think thats why I feel so connected with her......It's crazy because I've only been with her a short period of time. Making it two weeks today :) Making it a month since I first started chatting with you...
Welll I guess to point out i'm neither high, drunk or anything under that category lol Sooo this seems like a pile of jibberish....this jibberish being my head 100% of the time, every day, alll the time 24/7, 7/52, 52/12 yeah. that makes since to me anyhow......
Nighttt!
Ciao amigo!
My mind is going a million miles a sec now so i just need to write and half of it is stupid but i just need too.
I feeel like I should be like soooo happy. Kind of funny actually but, Anyhow I've met this amazing girl. Shes purely an amazing person. She 1000000% there for me and shes there every god damn step of the way of this horrible process of "getting better".
I'm telling myself I'm not fat, I'm fine the way I am I need to change my diet, i need to take insulin, I don't need to lose weight. I could gain a few lbs, I need to work out more and tone up, I'm going to listen to the help. But on the same time.
I'm huge, If you change your gonna gain more weight and feel more shitty and spaz out more than what i'm spazzing at right now. If you eat healthy your gonna be miserable, if you take insulin you'll gain weight,
But yet 90% of the food i'm eating is chocolate and chips and diet pop. I'm not exaggerating one bit...actually maybe I am I think I should bump that number up to 95%.
Sooo I'm miserable now...which i fucking shouldn't be and i'm afraid if i do any of the "good" things i'll be more miserable....seriously wtf do I have to lose.
I want to love the girl i'm with. I love texting her like every minute of every day and I love spending every non working minute with her but it's like I find ways to torture myself . And shes there for me. she hasnt run away and she's amazing. She doesnt judge. She doesnt tell me to get better. She would like it if I did certain things but she isnt judging. I think thats why I feel so connected with her......It's crazy because I've only been with her a short period of time. Making it two weeks today :) Making it a month since I first started chatting with you...
Welll I guess to point out i'm neither high, drunk or anything under that category lol Sooo this seems like a pile of jibberish....this jibberish being my head 100% of the time, every day, alll the time 24/7, 7/52, 52/12 yeah. that makes since to me anyhow......
Nighttt!
Ciao amigo!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Bad day... Jan 3, 2013
So down is the dumps lately....Lately as in like a year, but slightly worse.
Honestly I've been trying to "get bettter" for other peoples sake. But i'm trying.
I feel like that everything that I have wrong with me is like my own doing and for like no god damn reason....Like other people have triggers to their eating disorders and other stuff...Like bullying and abuse and drugs and like the list goes on....I don't And I feel so god damn selfish for continuing to hurt myself all the time. I have no reason to....I do have a select number of people that say they love me and apparent friends that like me....but it's like I don't? In my fucked up head anyhow...
Soooo my lovely head has come up with this idea...what they can't see cant hurt them....Hurts me but it dont hurt them...So I let my blood sugar run really high like over 20 mmol/l (360mg/dl) I purposely omit bolusing aka giving insulin and I don't check my blood sugar so I don't know what they are. It's a very slow suicide...kind of like anorexia....which I also have apparently even though I'm friggin' too big to even be considered....i'm like 5'7 127 lbs so my bmi is like 19.9 and underweight is considered 18.5 and like thats not even small.....
I'm going to pick up some bad habits again but this time i'm going to be better at hiding them... I need to...my brain wont stop...I've sought help for over a year and i've listened and went against everything I thought and it isn't working.
Right now I really want to cut deep let my blood drain and slow...I deserve it..I don't deserve to take the easy way out and to be a coward about it. I'm not ready tonight...but very soon..not soon as in months...sooner prob I have no reason to be here...just a waste of air and money...
This is how I feel every single night before I go to bed...I'm worse in the nights......
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Jan 3 , 2013
Sarcasm ahead!
Had a wonderful day!
Told my psych for the second time that I was having suicidal thoughts and plans and what not. *Sigh* The constant battle that has been going on for way to long....... Soo tired but I'm really trying and I guess I'm somewhat succeeding but like I dont have like a close person that I can rely on!
These past few weeks have definitely been like three steps back one forward 10 steps back one forward..
Good news i have new years resolutions!!!!
1 ) Going to tone up and lose 5 lbs!
2) Going to make lists
3) Going to really watch my language
And the one negative...............I'm going to eventually off myself. Maybe not right now but i've said that forever....
Well what a wonderful start to 2013 hey!
Ciao amigos!
Had a wonderful day!
Told my psych for the second time that I was having suicidal thoughts and plans and what not. *Sigh* The constant battle that has been going on for way to long....... Soo tired but I'm really trying and I guess I'm somewhat succeeding but like I dont have like a close person that I can rely on!
These past few weeks have definitely been like three steps back one forward 10 steps back one forward..
Good news i have new years resolutions!!!!
1 ) Going to tone up and lose 5 lbs!
2) Going to make lists
3) Going to really watch my language
And the one negative...............I'm going to eventually off myself. Maybe not right now but i've said that forever....
Well what a wonderful start to 2013 hey!
Ciao amigos!
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