Hey!
2 weeks without a word! sowwwwie!
Haha my damn computer charger is being disfunctional so therefore i haven't been on here :(
I have been like 75% better which is pretty damn amazing :) not 100% obv but i'm getting there.
The model show helped me threw so many fears...the whole event of it all before and during!
My shyness, my immatureness lol and like I proved to myself that I am stronger :)
I went 2 weeks w/o diet pop and I feel decent:)
andddddd I think i'm ready to give a new relationship another shot :)
This is so all over the place but like i dont feel like that. just trying to give a quick update on everything :) I am ok! I am working on everything :) I have been and my hard work is showing :)
Anyways off to my busy life of work and buss and work and relaxing and sleep LOL woo!
I'm going to try and get updates to my celly :) Then my blog will be with me like a diary!
Ciao!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
June 16 ,2012
I feel so calm right now.
Functioning on a full 2 hours of unbroken sleep from drinking all night and sleeping 2-3 times and I feel calm.
And like why the hell did I cut or do those things to myself. When i think about it now its silly. I am tiny. ish
Ok still not there but like I wont become small at any expense. My main focus was to become beautiful and have a perfect body.
To be flawless. Not to purge and binge and do all this horrible stuff to myself to get there.
I seen this video of this kid and it just made me smile. I normally don't post videos or photos here but what odds. I like it and I can do whatever I want :)
A message to girls everywhere :)
Functioning on a full 2 hours of unbroken sleep from drinking all night and sleeping 2-3 times and I feel calm.
And like why the hell did I cut or do those things to myself. When i think about it now its silly. I am tiny. ish
Ok still not there but like I wont become small at any expense. My main focus was to become beautiful and have a perfect body.
To be flawless. Not to purge and binge and do all this horrible stuff to myself to get there.
I seen this video of this kid and it just made me smile. I normally don't post videos or photos here but what odds. I like it and I can do whatever I want :)
A message to girls everywhere :)
Friday, June 15, 2012
June 15, 2012
Hey,
What a horrible horrible 2 days. I haven't cried in like 3 or 4 months and did it ever hit me. I cannot stop crying. I look in the mirror and see how fucking fat I am. My legs are enormous and I cried. I seen pictures at my lowest weight I cried. I thought about the model show I cried because I quit it.
I did practice yesterday and it didn't go well. I had a meltdown for no particular reason but I got up and left. I felt to huge being around alll these skinny models. And them saying I was small and skinny triggered me big time. Fucking liars. You just want me to go in the show so you have people. Or maybe to make yourselves look better. Because i'm so awkward and stuff when I walk and it looks bad.
Anyways i'm getting shit-faced tonight.
I'm calmed down for abit now. I cut and hit myself with various objects and i'm good. It helped for abit but now i'm good for the time being.
My eyes are stinging from crying myself to sleep and crying since I woke up.
I never purged though! I binged and I always have but like I was lying to myself because thats how I eat and I dont want that taken from me. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.
O and! I haven't drank any diet pop in 2 days! I've only drank water and like 1/2 cup of soy :)
I'm soo tired right now. I have music blasting so I dont think anymore because i'm like a leaking dam.
Ciao
What a horrible horrible 2 days. I haven't cried in like 3 or 4 months and did it ever hit me. I cannot stop crying. I look in the mirror and see how fucking fat I am. My legs are enormous and I cried. I seen pictures at my lowest weight I cried. I thought about the model show I cried because I quit it.
I did practice yesterday and it didn't go well. I had a meltdown for no particular reason but I got up and left. I felt to huge being around alll these skinny models. And them saying I was small and skinny triggered me big time. Fucking liars. You just want me to go in the show so you have people. Or maybe to make yourselves look better. Because i'm so awkward and stuff when I walk and it looks bad.
Anyways i'm getting shit-faced tonight.
I'm calmed down for abit now. I cut and hit myself with various objects and i'm good. It helped for abit but now i'm good for the time being.
My eyes are stinging from crying myself to sleep and crying since I woke up.
I never purged though! I binged and I always have but like I was lying to myself because thats how I eat and I dont want that taken from me. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.
O and! I haven't drank any diet pop in 2 days! I've only drank water and like 1/2 cup of soy :)
I'm soo tired right now. I have music blasting so I dont think anymore because i'm like a leaking dam.
Ciao
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
June 13, 2012
Hey!
So I'm deciding to put what i'm going to be doing for the next month in writing.
I'm going to lose the weight again. Back to 120 lbs and I promise I'll chill there for the summer. Right now i'm currently at 129.1 lbs I have completely let myself go and I don't know if it's me or the ED but I need to lose it. I'm trying to block out the stuff and I find it's helping so far :)
Ok So
-I've eliminated or trying to eliminate drinking diet pop. I've officially gone 35 hours without diet pop. That's amazing because that's all I drink And i've substituted Diet pop for water or soy milk :) Improvement there!
- Eliminating eating alot of carbs in the nightime. or Fatty things. And like i'll eat them early in the day so i'll work them off. :)
- Add veggies and fruits into diet :)
- Do sit-ups <- I really need to work on that.
- Figure what to do with my sugars. I've kept them high but my plan is obviously back-firing on me. Soo yeah I'm unsure there.
- Going back down to 120lbs is definitely a biggie though! I need to work on the fat on my legs and tummy. :)
I think I should stop eating when i'm home too. And make myself hungry and dis-oriented and maybe that will work. It's just I can't become stupid when i'm working so I have to eat to function. I think i'm better. I'm not skinny and I gained weight and i'm going to lose it the right way I think :)
So I'm deciding to put what i'm going to be doing for the next month in writing.
I'm going to lose the weight again. Back to 120 lbs and I promise I'll chill there for the summer. Right now i'm currently at 129.1 lbs I have completely let myself go and I don't know if it's me or the ED but I need to lose it. I'm trying to block out the stuff and I find it's helping so far :)
Ok So
-I've eliminated or trying to eliminate drinking diet pop. I've officially gone 35 hours without diet pop. That's amazing because that's all I drink And i've substituted Diet pop for water or soy milk :) Improvement there!
- Eliminating eating alot of carbs in the nightime. or Fatty things. And like i'll eat them early in the day so i'll work them off. :)
- Add veggies and fruits into diet :)
- Do sit-ups <- I really need to work on that.
- Figure what to do with my sugars. I've kept them high but my plan is obviously back-firing on me. Soo yeah I'm unsure there.
- Going back down to 120lbs is definitely a biggie though! I need to work on the fat on my legs and tummy. :)
I think I should stop eating when i'm home too. And make myself hungry and dis-oriented and maybe that will work. It's just I can't become stupid when i'm working so I have to eat to function. I think i'm better. I'm not skinny and I gained weight and i'm going to lose it the right way I think :)
Saturday, June 9, 2012
June 9, 2012
Hey!
So pretty semi goodish mood and tired mood.
Just worked an 11hr shift. Crazy b'ys at mcdees, never stopped!
I have burn splash burns right up my right arm and scratches up my left arm and burns and cuts on both of my hands. All from work. Why harm myself when I do it unknowingly at work.
Anyways bye bye weekend because i'm working it all. Only day off was tomorrow and they called me in. At least i'm 1) getting overtime because I worked 47 hours this week alone. 2) Getting a free meal :P or meals. Gonna be at wally world mcdees wooo!
I'm such a fatty. Today alone working there I ate 75% of my daily fat :O unacceptable. I only had 2 burritos and a strawberry pie from 8-7 oh and a coffee! :P and a diet coke -_- lol
In my head that seemed like alot of food before I just typed it. I feel all strange now. eh what odds.
Oh oh anddddd I got the shit scared out of me today. Chris the dude I work with yeah ok Well I went in the back freezer ( which is -18 degrees) to get some nuggets and the arse hole turned of the lights. I never ran so fast in my life. I thought the cooler stopped and the doors would lock and I'd freeze to death LOL I could have strangled him. Bugger.
Oh and on a happy note I cried for the first time in forever today :) But it was from laughing so hard. :)
Matthew was like what does FIFO mean and I slowly just said first in and first out and then I added thats so inappropriate don't ya think ? Anyways we both died, we cried from laughing so hard it was just so childish and funny and oh my fun times in the kitchen!
Anyways had to write some positive to this negative blog :( I'm really trying :) Sometimes harder than other times but yeah :)
Off to eat supper!
Ciaos!
So pretty semi goodish mood and tired mood.
Just worked an 11hr shift. Crazy b'ys at mcdees, never stopped!
I have burn splash burns right up my right arm and scratches up my left arm and burns and cuts on both of my hands. All from work. Why harm myself when I do it unknowingly at work.
Anyways bye bye weekend because i'm working it all. Only day off was tomorrow and they called me in. At least i'm 1) getting overtime because I worked 47 hours this week alone. 2) Getting a free meal :P or meals. Gonna be at wally world mcdees wooo!
I'm such a fatty. Today alone working there I ate 75% of my daily fat :O unacceptable. I only had 2 burritos and a strawberry pie from 8-7 oh and a coffee! :P and a diet coke -_- lol
In my head that seemed like alot of food before I just typed it. I feel all strange now. eh what odds.
Oh oh anddddd I got the shit scared out of me today. Chris the dude I work with yeah ok Well I went in the back freezer ( which is -18 degrees) to get some nuggets and the arse hole turned of the lights. I never ran so fast in my life. I thought the cooler stopped and the doors would lock and I'd freeze to death LOL I could have strangled him. Bugger.
Oh and on a happy note I cried for the first time in forever today :) But it was from laughing so hard. :)
Matthew was like what does FIFO mean and I slowly just said first in and first out and then I added thats so inappropriate don't ya think ? Anyways we both died, we cried from laughing so hard it was just so childish and funny and oh my fun times in the kitchen!
Anyways had to write some positive to this negative blog :( I'm really trying :) Sometimes harder than other times but yeah :)
Off to eat supper!
Ciaos!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
June....pissy mood
This. This right here is why I fucking don't fucking trust no one.
You said you'd be there and never leave, that you would understand. Why do I keep falling for that shit even after you say no i'm not like everyone else I can handle it. Fuck you cunt. Fuck you. Ok. You are such a heterosexual bitch who fakes to be a lesbian .
Everything I do is fucked up. I have managed to push everyone away. With all the lies and shit about my eating and my sadness and all that fucking shit.
There tired of me being so suicidal and down and emotionless. But Like I feel like bawling all the time. and I don't and I just want to be able to cry and cry and cry. But I can't. I'm in another bad mood.
I'm officially going to toronto in july. I need to lose weight, I need to learn to purge and learn to say no and learn to control my feeling and learn to not be bitchy and learn to fucking not be catty and learn to be nice and innocent. But it's impossible to erase the damage that has been done. Why do I call it damage. It happened so fucking what. Everybody has had stuff happen to them and i'm like blowing it out of proportion. I want it to go back to before where I bottled my feelings up, I sort of felt better, I was 10x bitcher but like this hurts. And yet I don't because I don't know i've done all this hard work to change and argh.
Bottom line of right now is I have to say no. No to food and weight gain and spending money and omg. I want to slice my stomach up and let the fat pour out I want to cut my arms to block out the pain. I want to burn myself at work and just flat out lay my hand on the grill. But I don't want others worrying for me. I give people a reason to worry. I don't mean to and thats why I try to vent here. I find writing is boring and typing is easier but like I refrain from posting this shit on facebook where any of my"friends" (or of what I have left) can see.
You said you'd be there and never leave, that you would understand. Why do I keep falling for that shit even after you say no i'm not like everyone else I can handle it. Fuck you cunt. Fuck you. Ok. You are such a heterosexual bitch who fakes to be a lesbian .
Everything I do is fucked up. I have managed to push everyone away. With all the lies and shit about my eating and my sadness and all that fucking shit.
There tired of me being so suicidal and down and emotionless. But Like I feel like bawling all the time. and I don't and I just want to be able to cry and cry and cry. But I can't. I'm in another bad mood.
I'm officially going to toronto in july. I need to lose weight, I need to learn to purge and learn to say no and learn to control my feeling and learn to not be bitchy and learn to fucking not be catty and learn to be nice and innocent. But it's impossible to erase the damage that has been done. Why do I call it damage. It happened so fucking what. Everybody has had stuff happen to them and i'm like blowing it out of proportion. I want it to go back to before where I bottled my feelings up, I sort of felt better, I was 10x bitcher but like this hurts. And yet I don't because I don't know i've done all this hard work to change and argh.
Bottom line of right now is I have to say no. No to food and weight gain and spending money and omg. I want to slice my stomach up and let the fat pour out I want to cut my arms to block out the pain. I want to burn myself at work and just flat out lay my hand on the grill. But I don't want others worrying for me. I give people a reason to worry. I don't mean to and thats why I try to vent here. I find writing is boring and typing is easier but like I refrain from posting this shit on facebook where any of my"friends" (or of what I have left) can see.
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