So another "eating" post I suppose.
My stomach is like gurgling/squishing. I was rolling my stomach to get like the extra air out and stuff and plus to work those muscles :) And now like an hour later my stomach is intensely making noise. I'm not overly hungry but like it sounds like my stomach is growling. Oh the fun of being clouded my eating thoughts. I'm so proud of myself I'm back at my happy weight for now. 125lbs :) I've been at that all day :) ! Now I want to lower my weight 10 lbs! I think it would be good :) But i'm going to start a detox and like cut out all the junk...which is literally 80% of what I eat. ok maybe 90%. I need to add in those greens! I LOVE veggies!
I also want to like harm soo bad. Soo bad. But like I don't want to cut because it will leave a scar and like I'm going on vacay and I don't want these huge scars everywhere. Maybe I'll start punching. Bruises come and go. Well I already punched my stomach and now it's bloated but that could be from the belly rolling. I legit do some sick belly rolls.
I've becoming a umm not so much a liar because liars totally piss me off but like i'm omitting things and just not saying how I truly feel, which is lying. Plussss I've been getting a potty mouth :O I was swearing some lot today. at least like 4-5 times! Damn burner. Burned my hand like a gazillion times.
Anyways off to distract myself from eating!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Today is my....
69th post!
Heheheheh Soo immature! What odds.
Sooo yesterday was a super hectic first day at work. Worked 12-6 at the big mcdees then they wanted me to stay till 630. Theeeennn They asked if I could go over to the small mcdees for 1hr half -2 hours....Hahahah I hope they knew it was my first friggin day. Anyways got stressed out of my mind at the other one because I was babied so much at the big one today! I'm pretty good with putting the patties on the burger and cooking them. Not so good at remember what bun goes with what burger and the ingredients. I was going really good though and people couldn't believe how good I was for my first day :) There'll really nice people there :)
Now. I'm going to work BJH 10-1 today, tomorrow, and monday. And Mcdees the rest of the week. So I got around 44 hours this week! B'ys i'mma be pooped on wed. It's McHappy day. :'( I'm off to cry for a bit.
Well Gotta go get ready for work, leaving in HOLY SHIT 10-15 min and my hair aint dry :O Bye bye bye bye!
Ciao !
Heheheheh Soo immature! What odds.
Sooo yesterday was a super hectic first day at work. Worked 12-6 at the big mcdees then they wanted me to stay till 630. Theeeennn They asked if I could go over to the small mcdees for 1hr half -2 hours....Hahahah I hope they knew it was my first friggin day. Anyways got stressed out of my mind at the other one because I was babied so much at the big one today! I'm pretty good with putting the patties on the burger and cooking them. Not so good at remember what bun goes with what burger and the ingredients. I was going really good though and people couldn't believe how good I was for my first day :) There'll really nice people there :)
Now. I'm going to work BJH 10-1 today, tomorrow, and monday. And Mcdees the rest of the week. So I got around 44 hours this week! B'ys i'mma be pooped on wed. It's McHappy day. :'( I'm off to cry for a bit.
Well Gotta go get ready for work, leaving in HOLY SHIT 10-15 min and my hair aint dry :O Bye bye bye bye!
Ciao !
Saturday, April 28, 2012
April 28, 2012
Hey
So to start off I suppose I'll give a rant.
The past 2 weeks or whatever I've gained weight. Not happy. I'm used to waking up in the morning being 121-124 and I'm fine with that and then being 124-127 throughout the day. Now! i'm waking up to 125-127 and being 127-129 throughout the day. Not friggin cool. Sooooo my plan earylier which obviously didn't work because I just woke up to a low sugar reading was to cut back both of my insulin's to make me go high so I could lose some weight that way. I have an appt on monday and like i'm so fucking mad because i've gained so much weight and just totally lost control but I never ! because like I got 2 jobs now and the only way for me to function at the time was to just feed my body food. But like i'm obsessed with Chocolate and sugar and junk basically. Anyways I cut my insulins from 0.10u/h to 0.05u/h and 0.35u/h to 0.25u/h. So now instead of giving myself 6.5u/day i'm giving myself 4.5 u/day. Take that fat! You will eventually come off. It's not like i'm not "exercising" because i'm always going, i'm all go go go. Walking to work, biking to work, busing to work, moving at work, running at work, running to another job, going to an appt, cleaning the house, Like Believe it or not I do alot that people don't see. So this recent weight gain stund me.
Ok.
Anddd I went to katy's and we slept in a tent last night and had a fire...in the city. LOL Someone called 911 and fire trucks came so we got our asses out of there and went further into the "woods" It was hilarious because all i seen was my 2 friends running full tilt with a assembled tent. Om top of that perfect night it friggin poured. The heavens opened up and we totally got like 20 mm of rain, it called for 10-15mm so I have no idea why they camped out but what odds!.
Thats pretty much it. I think i'll go grab some food. seeing the last time I ate a meal was like 930 and I nibbed on chocolate eggies all day LOL Gotta love having naps. I actually had one because I forgot to wake mom up so I knew she'd be pissed so I fell asleep :P
Anyways Ciao!
So to start off I suppose I'll give a rant.
The past 2 weeks or whatever I've gained weight. Not happy. I'm used to waking up in the morning being 121-124 and I'm fine with that and then being 124-127 throughout the day. Now! i'm waking up to 125-127 and being 127-129 throughout the day. Not friggin cool. Sooooo my plan earylier which obviously didn't work because I just woke up to a low sugar reading was to cut back both of my insulin's to make me go high so I could lose some weight that way. I have an appt on monday and like i'm so fucking mad because i've gained so much weight and just totally lost control but I never ! because like I got 2 jobs now and the only way for me to function at the time was to just feed my body food. But like i'm obsessed with Chocolate and sugar and junk basically. Anyways I cut my insulins from
Ok.
Anddd I went to katy's and we slept in a tent last night and had a fire...in the city. LOL Someone called 911 and fire trucks came so we got our asses out of there and went further into the "woods" It was hilarious because all i seen was my 2 friends running full tilt with a assembled tent. Om top of that perfect night it friggin poured. The heavens opened up and we totally got like 20 mm of rain, it called for 10-15mm so I have no idea why they camped out but what odds!.
Thats pretty much it. I think i'll go grab some food. seeing the last time I ate a meal was like 930 and I nibbed on chocolate eggies all day LOL Gotta love having naps. I actually had one because I forgot to wake mom up so I knew she'd be pissed so I fell asleep :P
Anyways Ciao!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
April 25, 2012
It's funny how the busiest week i've had I blog the most! silly!
Anyways i'm triggered. Weight wise triggered, not suicidaly triggered <- well not overwhelming anyhow.
Anyways I need to lose this weight I gained. I need to re focus my attention on what i'm eating because I've kind of let myself go the past couple of weeks and i've been eating chocolate everyday and Mcdonalds! Fuck that. I thought if I got a job there I wouldn't eat there...wrong. Like today I'm kind of proud of myself because my mind came into play and was like you don't need this your not hungry and your looking for an excuse to eat this stuff. Unfortunately I gave in because I had no other source of food on me. But I'm soo happy that my mind has kind of decided to work with me in trying to eliminate these foods and be like yeah you don't need that do you? :) I looked at a thinso blog and like I totally wanna like lose at least 5 lbs. I need to, I look unhealthy. Like the fat on my stomach compared to 2 months ago is disgusting. Like when I bring up how fat I am people are like no no your just curvy. No no curvy people are alot sexier looking then this. I would not consider my body curvy. Anyways i'm in one of those moods I suppose. I'm like legit starvin' My stomach has been intensely growling for about 30-40 minutes and I feel abit lightheaded so I suppose i'll grab something small and head off too bed. Wake up call like 6! Fun fun fun!maybe 630.....645 ok! :P
Ciao!
Anyways i'm triggered. Weight wise triggered, not suicidaly triggered <- well not overwhelming anyhow.
Anyways I need to lose this weight I gained. I need to re focus my attention on what i'm eating because I've kind of let myself go the past couple of weeks and i've been eating chocolate everyday and Mcdonalds! Fuck that. I thought if I got a job there I wouldn't eat there...wrong. Like today I'm kind of proud of myself because my mind came into play and was like you don't need this your not hungry and your looking for an excuse to eat this stuff. Unfortunately I gave in because I had no other source of food on me. But I'm soo happy that my mind has kind of decided to work with me in trying to eliminate these foods and be like yeah you don't need that do you? :) I looked at a thinso blog and like I totally wanna like lose at least 5 lbs. I need to, I look unhealthy. Like the fat on my stomach compared to 2 months ago is disgusting. Like when I bring up how fat I am people are like no no your just curvy. No no curvy people are alot sexier looking then this. I would not consider my body curvy. Anyways i'm in one of those moods I suppose. I'm like legit starvin' My stomach has been intensely growling for about 30-40 minutes and I feel abit lightheaded so I suppose i'll grab something small and head off too bed. Wake up call like 6! Fun fun fun!maybe 630.....645 ok! :P
Ciao!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
April 24, 2012
Ok So I care about you alot. Don't do anything stupid please. I'm trying so fucking hard to argue against my mind, to fight it, To seek help. Ok. You try too. I'm trying for you. I honestly fight to feel sometimes. Yes I laugh and joke around but like it's just becoming so natural in being fake that I don't notice anymore. Come on your only young. If your gonna give up then I'm not going to friggin let you go without a massive fight. If your words got to me and stopped me and made me seriously think over every action I make Then I'm going to make damn sure I make you realize the same. You know what seeking help isn't always the best option. I've told my psych how i've wanted to kill myself, how strongly I feel about it and today I sought help in my other team with my insulin issues and I told them That i'm fucking capable of O.D on it.Today, Now, tomorrow...Soon. And the response? When i feel this way I need to go to the E.R. No just No ok? I need help to re-allow myself to think of insulin in another way or something. I need help now before I get to that point again. Maybe I need to have a go at a suicide attempt just to get help. I'm not craving attention I just really need help that I don't find i'm getting. I don't know. Enough about me. I better not see another fucking cut on you. I'm serious. Find another alternative. Go outside. Smash things. Paint. I don't know keep yourself occupied. Talk to me. Text me if you don't want to talk. I really want to be there. I know it's silly to be there for someone else but not yourself but ya. I don't wanna lose you because if I do then like i'm gonna be right behind ya. I will let myself go. Ok so I love you ok! I'm trying so hard to be patient with you :) Your difficult and you know it !
Ok well thats pretty much all I have to say for tonight. I needed to let that out.
Night!
Ok well thats pretty much all I have to say for tonight. I needed to let that out.
Night!
Monday, April 23, 2012
April 23, 2012
Hey
So ii'm going be be an uber busy bee this week. Workin at mc dees 4-8 all week till sunday plus i'm working wed-fri 9-1 at a jr high school and monday a jr high school. I don't get a day off till next tuesday :'(
I had a really bad day yesterday emotionally. Bad. Like yeah I had fun at the bonfire but like the suicidal thoughts were extreme like so bad it gave me such a bad headache :( Plus I had broken sleep from it :( got about 3 solid hrs of sleep.
On top of all this I have to be left the house soon and one I have a bad stomach from the damn " anxiety" And plus really bad cramps, it's like crippling :( So it was pepto or advil. not both. Anyways i'm super sooky right now. I wanna curl up in a ball and bawl for abit.
Well I'm gone I suppose, I'm tellin ya I look uber sexy in my Mc dees uniform! The pants are 2 sizes too big and the top is huge :P I look funny hehe Wooo sudden mood change there. Ok prob no long blogs this week. Prob short updates :)
Ciao!
So ii'm going be be an uber busy bee this week. Workin at mc dees 4-8 all week till sunday plus i'm working wed-fri 9-1 at a jr high school and monday a jr high school. I don't get a day off till next tuesday :'(
I had a really bad day yesterday emotionally. Bad. Like yeah I had fun at the bonfire but like the suicidal thoughts were extreme like so bad it gave me such a bad headache :( Plus I had broken sleep from it :( got about 3 solid hrs of sleep.
On top of all this I have to be left the house soon and one I have a bad stomach from the damn " anxiety" And plus really bad cramps, it's like crippling :( So it was pepto or advil. not both. Anyways i'm super sooky right now. I wanna curl up in a ball and bawl for abit.
Well I'm gone I suppose, I'm tellin ya I look uber sexy in my Mc dees uniform! The pants are 2 sizes too big and the top is huge :P I look funny hehe Wooo sudden mood change there. Ok prob no long blogs this week. Prob short updates :)
Ciao!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
April 21, 2012
Hey!
Oh my I haven't laughed that hard last night is suchhh a long time.
Well first off Me Allie, and Mom went dt to Green sleaves and had supper! It was amazing! The food was awesome the entertainment was awesome! Good time there! Then we had to pick up my sister from her job. Of course we had to wait like 20 minutes for her :P So I decided to make it interesting my re-acting what they were saying! By we I mean my sister and her boss. Her boss was very expressive and moved alot :P So like one example was counting up her totals in the book and he came over so my scene was " come on you know you want this sundae and she kind of gave him an akward look ( i'm not making up the faces, they were pricless) He's like here put some of my own special whipped cream on it and she kind of moved away and started to really concentrate on her calculator and he walked away and then she kept darting her eyes toward to sundae and to the book" Hahahah there was more to it but LOL it's not so funny when you don't see their faces obviously. Another one, which was sooooo funnny noone in the car could hold it together. " She was getting ready to leave and had her jacket and bookbag, her boss was at the other side of the room and pointed a finger towards her" " Call me......seriously right when you go home call me Megan......Please please please right before you go to sleep I want to here your voice....Ok.....call me and we can both sleep peacefully...ok? Ok!" HAHAHAHAH like his facial expressions went right along with this LOL. When she came into the car we all were losing it and her just being there made it sooo much worse!
Then after that me and allie came back to my house and went on chatroulette for abit LOL oh lord funny stuff you see on 420 LOL.
Needless to say I had a very good nights sleep sort of :P
Had a dream HB wanted me to de-block her on fb and I never even blocked her ....My head is weird sometimes!
Anywho off for a day's worth of shopping with Allie!
Ciao!
Oh my I haven't laughed that hard last night is suchhh a long time.
Well first off Me Allie, and Mom went dt to Green sleaves and had supper! It was amazing! The food was awesome the entertainment was awesome! Good time there! Then we had to pick up my sister from her job. Of course we had to wait like 20 minutes for her :P So I decided to make it interesting my re-acting what they were saying! By we I mean my sister and her boss. Her boss was very expressive and moved alot :P So like one example was counting up her totals in the book and he came over so my scene was " come on you know you want this sundae and she kind of gave him an akward look ( i'm not making up the faces, they were pricless) He's like here put some of my own special whipped cream on it and she kind of moved away and started to really concentrate on her calculator and he walked away and then she kept darting her eyes toward to sundae and to the book" Hahahah there was more to it but LOL it's not so funny when you don't see their faces obviously. Another one, which was sooooo funnny noone in the car could hold it together. " She was getting ready to leave and had her jacket and bookbag, her boss was at the other side of the room and pointed a finger towards her" " Call me......seriously right when you go home call me Megan......Please please please right before you go to sleep I want to here your voice....Ok.....call me and we can both sleep peacefully...ok? Ok!" HAHAHAHAH like his facial expressions went right along with this LOL. When she came into the car we all were losing it and her just being there made it sooo much worse!
Then after that me and allie came back to my house and went on chatroulette for abit LOL oh lord funny stuff you see on 420 LOL.
Needless to say I had a very good nights sleep sort of :P
Had a dream HB wanted me to de-block her on fb and I never even blocked her ....My head is weird sometimes!
Anywho off for a day's worth of shopping with Allie!
Ciao!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
April 19, 2012
Hey
Ok So i'm having this crazy idea about taking full body shots of myself. Why? Because I critic everything. It's not even that but I think if I take a picture of myself I will prob find stuff I dislike sure but I'll definitely find things I like also. I'm not trying to re-trigger myself but the friggin mirrors in my house are distorted. Do you know how many times I just want to punch every mirror and break them.
Soo I suppose I'll do this prob this weekend. I'll post the pictures obv on my other blog but I'm in a good place now and I want to look back when i'm really really low and be like look I wasn't fat I never was. Ok this is coming from an anorexic lol So this idea prob seems crazy, maybe triggering, but. I don't know.
See this is what happens when i'm stuck home alone and have to occupy my time with the computer.
Oh oh! Got my uniform for Mcdonalds <3 going to be interesting for sure. I'll try my hardest not to complain or backlash them, no matter how shitty i'm feeling. :) I obviously have my opinion on it, and well i'm sure lots of people do. But i'm there to make cash, build relationships with people and food :P Ok i'm shutting up now. Lack of food does this to ya :P I suppose i'll put on some veggies for supper sugars are abit high and i've been snacking on cookies since I got home :P
I'm off! Ciaooooooo!
Ok So i'm having this crazy idea about taking full body shots of myself. Why? Because I critic everything. It's not even that but I think if I take a picture of myself I will prob find stuff I dislike sure but I'll definitely find things I like also. I'm not trying to re-trigger myself but the friggin mirrors in my house are distorted. Do you know how many times I just want to punch every mirror and break them.
Soo I suppose I'll do this prob this weekend. I'll post the pictures obv on my other blog but I'm in a good place now and I want to look back when i'm really really low and be like look I wasn't fat I never was. Ok this is coming from an anorexic lol So this idea prob seems crazy, maybe triggering, but. I don't know.
See this is what happens when i'm stuck home alone and have to occupy my time with the computer.
Oh oh! Got my uniform for Mcdonalds <3 going to be interesting for sure. I'll try my hardest not to complain or backlash them, no matter how shitty i'm feeling. :) I obviously have my opinion on it, and well i'm sure lots of people do. But i'm there to make cash, build relationships with people and food :P Ok i'm shutting up now. Lack of food does this to ya :P I suppose i'll put on some veggies for supper sugars are abit high and i've been snacking on cookies since I got home :P
I'm off! Ciaooooooo!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
April 17, 2012
Hey :)
So i'm now currently employed at two places :) Chartwells :) Andddd Mcdonalds! I'm am a very busy girl! Seeing that Mcdonalds is a full-time job and Chartwells is on call plussss I have medical appts 24/7. But I am getting better! I am worth it :) I ate a foot long today! half for breakfast and half for lunch :D !
Ironically before I applied to mcdonalds there was 2 openings for different jobs. One for subway downtown and the other at the catalogue place in sears :P A part of me badly wanted to apply for both, because I'm freakin' obsessive but! I fought this and like the only way for me to completely get over her is to not come in contact with her for a while until I can re-handle my feelings properly :) And when i'm better of course i'll re-start keeping in mind a relationship with someone, right now I have 0 interest or enough of me to share. Anyhow! Short N' Simple today!
Nice day out b'y! 20 friggin' degrees! celcius :P I was havin' fun attractin the old pervs on de bus transit. just kidding :P Anyways offf for supppper! Seee i'm eating :) Kind of reminding myself when I look back at my process :) I've taken this huge step into wanting to get better! I'm currently not in a suicidal zone, which is amazing. I still have thoughts, but like it's going to take alot of hard work to conjurer them. Lots of serotonin being shared with me lately :)
I'm out!
Ciao!
So i'm now currently employed at two places :) Chartwells :) Andddd Mcdonalds! I'm am a very busy girl! Seeing that Mcdonalds is a full-time job and Chartwells is on call plussss I have medical appts 24/7. But I am getting better! I am worth it :) I ate a foot long today! half for breakfast and half for lunch :D !
Ironically before I applied to mcdonalds there was 2 openings for different jobs. One for subway downtown and the other at the catalogue place in sears :P A part of me badly wanted to apply for both, because I'm freakin' obsessive but! I fought this and like the only way for me to completely get over her is to not come in contact with her for a while until I can re-handle my feelings properly :) And when i'm better of course i'll re-start keeping in mind a relationship with someone, right now I have 0 interest or enough of me to share. Anyhow! Short N' Simple today!
Nice day out b'y! 20 friggin' degrees! celcius :P I was havin' fun attractin the old pervs on de bus transit. just kidding :P Anyways offf for supppper! Seee i'm eating :) Kind of reminding myself when I look back at my process :) I've taken this huge step into wanting to get better! I'm currently not in a suicidal zone, which is amazing. I still have thoughts, but like it's going to take alot of hard work to conjurer them. Lots of serotonin being shared with me lately :)
I'm out!
Ciao!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
April 15, 2012
Hey!
Sooooo! Been having a pretty good week :)
It's like the bike riding and the going-out for drives has ultimately calmed me.
Yes drinking calmed me but I feel soo guilty doing it. I kind of hate drinking. Putting unnecessary liquids into my body. And it only calms me for a while and then I feel like crap.
But the past week i've gone for 3 bike rides. 3 more coming up for work :) It's funny, It'll take me 1/2 hr to get to work by bike but 2 hours by bus :/ weighing the options here hahaha I hate the bus so the answer is obvious!
I've gained weight but it's like I care and I don't. Yes if I wake up and my weight is 126 I freak. Why no idea ?but if I wake up 123-125 i'm fine. I've been doing really good the past couple of days though, I think. Like I'm trying to reason and reward my self. Ok so today I went for an hr bike ride with the dog on the leash, plus I went for a walk with mom and the pup. So I rewarded myself with an ice-cream cone after the bike ride and a donut after the walk. Thats kind of what I want to train my mind into thinking "junk" is for. Given after exercise or like as a treat. I'm working towards it being like a treat once every few days. But seeing that I use it as regular food now, it's going to be abit of work :) I know that this is still obsessive food behaviour BUT! Today for breakfast I had a peanut butter toast :P, 1/2 cup of soy, and a banana :O !!! Almost all the food groups :) I felt so proud because I haven't done that with breakfast in forever :) And my weight never changed because I worked it off with biking and my sugars didn't go low.
That's what I need to tell myself that I can eat these foods right, exercise and not gain weight, but look healthier I suppose <-- I don't see anything wrong like too skinny wise with myself but some people do. So i'm trying I really really am.
I'm trying to build relationships, with my mom and sister, forget old, and realize that I don't need a romantic relationship right now because I need time for me :) Friends will be amazing but I don't want to be around them if all they want to do is sit, drink, and smoke pot. Not to say that sitting and drinking after a long day at work isn't bad but like not alll the time! I want to walk, bike, run, go bowling, mini golfing, swimming, camping, zip-lining, hehehe fun stuff :)
Well I totally meant for this to be positive and right now I think it is :) I have to go sook and laze around because tomorrow is my first day at a new high school :O OH NOOOO! lol Scared shitless. Really am. But I won't let my anxiety get to me I will be fine, I will not kill anybody with my cooking :P It will be a fun day :)
Well off to watch Rizzoli and isles :) My new fav show!
Ciao!!!!
Sooooo! Been having a pretty good week :)
It's like the bike riding and the going-out for drives has ultimately calmed me.
Yes drinking calmed me but I feel soo guilty doing it. I kind of hate drinking. Putting unnecessary liquids into my body. And it only calms me for a while and then I feel like crap.
But the past week i've gone for 3 bike rides. 3 more coming up for work :) It's funny, It'll take me 1/2 hr to get to work by bike but 2 hours by bus :/ weighing the options here hahaha I hate the bus so the answer is obvious!
I've gained weight but it's like I care and I don't. Yes if I wake up and my weight is 126 I freak. Why no idea ?but if I wake up 123-125 i'm fine. I've been doing really good the past couple of days though, I think. Like I'm trying to reason and reward my self. Ok so today I went for an hr bike ride with the dog on the leash, plus I went for a walk with mom and the pup. So I rewarded myself with an ice-cream cone after the bike ride and a donut after the walk. Thats kind of what I want to train my mind into thinking "junk" is for. Given after exercise or like as a treat. I'm working towards it being like a treat once every few days. But seeing that I use it as regular food now, it's going to be abit of work :) I know that this is still obsessive food behaviour BUT! Today for breakfast I had a peanut butter toast :P, 1/2 cup of soy, and a banana :O !!! Almost all the food groups :) I felt so proud because I haven't done that with breakfast in forever :) And my weight never changed because I worked it off with biking and my sugars didn't go low.
That's what I need to tell myself that I can eat these foods right, exercise and not gain weight, but look healthier I suppose <-- I don't see anything wrong like too skinny wise with myself but some people do. So i'm trying I really really am.
I'm trying to build relationships, with my mom and sister, forget old, and realize that I don't need a romantic relationship right now because I need time for me :) Friends will be amazing but I don't want to be around them if all they want to do is sit, drink, and smoke pot. Not to say that sitting and drinking after a long day at work isn't bad but like not alll the time! I want to walk, bike, run, go bowling, mini golfing, swimming, camping, zip-lining, hehehe fun stuff :)
Well I totally meant for this to be positive and right now I think it is :) I have to go sook and laze around because tomorrow is my first day at a new high school :O OH NOOOO! lol Scared shitless. Really am. But I won't let my anxiety get to me I will be fine, I will not kill anybody with my cooking :P It will be a fun day :)
Well off to watch Rizzoli and isles :) My new fav show!
Ciao!!!!
Friday, April 13, 2012
April 13, 2012
Hey!
Soo beside the wonderful start of the week I had last friday, I've had a pretty good week I suppose.
Went for a couple of bike rides, planning another next weekend, A long one! :)
Seen the psych, she was concerned over some of my answers from the questionare I filled out, about how I dislike myself, I want to die yada yada yada but she was concerned how I filled out how I don't cry. I legitt don't cry about these thoughts, i'm surprisingly super calm and i've accepted them. The last time I cried was February ish. But ya she wants me to cry. She says I need to connect to all my emotions. No! I will not. ok well anger is an emotion do you want me to lash out and like hit and throw stuff? Because I friggin feel like doing it all the time. I have my emotions very tightly disciplined.
Like I said i've been feeling up this week :) I acciendentaly gained 3-4 lbs. But I kinda of had a fight within myself like it was bittersweet. I was outraged that I was 125 and I felt soo fat but the funny thing is even at 124 i'm completely fine with that, ya I still feel fat but like 125 made me feel like i was huge and there is only 1 lb in the difference. But today I was eating healthier...Restricting myself from just eating chocolate. So I had a PB sandwich, banana, crackers with PB and some diet pop with a few bites of chocolate :) I woke up 1:30 and it's 7 now. I think I'm going to eat supper now, A light one.. prob salad or something small :) Seeing it's late for supper and I don't want the weight to stick on me. These are delusional thoughts, and I know that. But like I don't know! I just want a flat stomach, I like to see the outline of my hip bones and bottom on my ribs but not the full out frame, I like to see my collarbones but I don't want to see my chest bones protruding. I can finally see my shoulder blades alittle bit and i'm fine with that :) I can see my spine...That I find gross ish. I don't like being able to see it.
I need to find a happy medium and be able to work out and love the body i'm in. But that still doesn't change the fact that I want to end my life. I've said it a million times about if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate... I wouldn't! But with the insulin, this takes careful planning. Preciseness I want to go to a place I love or like at least and O.D there. But like the sain part of me wants me to O.D right now ( yes the sain part, bear with me) So that someone will find me and that i'm forced to seek treatment. I know no one can force me but that is what I need. Right now I have to have a close call and to have all my rights completely taken from me. I want to admit myself. But i'm not sick enough, they won't do anything.
Anyways I'm in a decent mood so enough of this for now :)
Gone to get some chow :)
Ciao!
Soo beside the wonderful start of the week I had last friday, I've had a pretty good week I suppose.
Went for a couple of bike rides, planning another next weekend, A long one! :)
Seen the psych, she was concerned over some of my answers from the questionare I filled out, about how I dislike myself, I want to die yada yada yada but she was concerned how I filled out how I don't cry. I legitt don't cry about these thoughts, i'm surprisingly super calm and i've accepted them. The last time I cried was February ish. But ya she wants me to cry. She says I need to connect to all my emotions. No! I will not. ok well anger is an emotion do you want me to lash out and like hit and throw stuff? Because I friggin feel like doing it all the time. I have my emotions very tightly disciplined.
Like I said i've been feeling up this week :) I acciendentaly gained 3-4 lbs. But I kinda of had a fight within myself like it was bittersweet. I was outraged that I was 125 and I felt soo fat but the funny thing is even at 124 i'm completely fine with that, ya I still feel fat but like 125 made me feel like i was huge and there is only 1 lb in the difference. But today I was eating healthier...Restricting myself from just eating chocolate. So I had a PB sandwich, banana, crackers with PB and some diet pop with a few bites of chocolate :) I woke up 1:30 and it's 7 now. I think I'm going to eat supper now, A light one.. prob salad or something small :) Seeing it's late for supper and I don't want the weight to stick on me. These are delusional thoughts, and I know that. But like I don't know! I just want a flat stomach, I like to see the outline of my hip bones and bottom on my ribs but not the full out frame, I like to see my collarbones but I don't want to see my chest bones protruding. I can finally see my shoulder blades alittle bit and i'm fine with that :) I can see my spine...That I find gross ish. I don't like being able to see it.
I need to find a happy medium and be able to work out and love the body i'm in. But that still doesn't change the fact that I want to end my life. I've said it a million times about if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate... I wouldn't! But with the insulin, this takes careful planning. Preciseness I want to go to a place I love or like at least and O.D there. But like the sain part of me wants me to O.D right now ( yes the sain part, bear with me) So that someone will find me and that i'm forced to seek treatment. I know no one can force me but that is what I need. Right now I have to have a close call and to have all my rights completely taken from me. I want to admit myself. But i'm not sick enough, they won't do anything.
Anyways I'm in a decent mood so enough of this for now :)
Gone to get some chow :)
Ciao!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Hoppy Easter !!!
Hey !!
Hoppy Easter Everybody!!!!
I'm in a hippidy hoppidy mood :)
The Easter bunny was good to me this year :P Vanilla chocolate bunny and $25 movie card and little eggies! Yumm!
Headin' over to the G'ma's and G'pa's house so I'm dressin' up! Yay!
Surprisingly I woke up bad but now i'm in such a good mood. I woke up from a nightmare where someone hauled my bellybutton ring out from my bellybutton. :O I legit woke up thinking there was blood everywhere but I was just warm from all the blankets xD
Sooo the past 2 days i've been feeling somewhat better! I rediscovered something to take my mind of everything and that thing would be organizing. I love to organize things and chuck stuff! So I've been doin' that and I've been too tired and occupied that I don't want to think completely negatively, not to say I'm totally not because I am. My thinking did get me somewhere though, a friend randomly stopped talking to me, answering my messages and so on and I was completely stund by it. Then I realized the last time we spoke I said somethin negative about myself and she was after warnin me if I said something I have to make it up by sayin 10 positive things about myself, and well I only got 2 and couldn't think of no more so I managed to change the subject but then the next mornin she wouldn't talk to me. So I have a feelin that is why. Not completely sure and I over analyze everything to the bare bone. So the punishment is that she wouldn't speak to me for 2 weeks. Harsh, but if this is why she isn't speaking to me it definitely smartened me up abit. Because like I really kinda want talk to her and yeah.
I guess it upset me more seeing that it brought me back to me and HB but like I somewhat understand what I did wrong there. And I wish I could explain how sorry I am to her but I don't want to hurt her more than I already have. I'll always care about her :) So I'll telepathically send her a Hoppy Easter :)
I miss bein happy, so I like this feeling comin back today :) I really don't want to hurt myself anymore. But it's like theres another person standin in the way constantly of me makin my decisions. I'll make one promise to myself now. Because I can't just live for the sake of other people. I will never cut again. Ok make this 2. And I'll never fucking smoke weed again :D I'll take my pain out into organizing or cleanin :) Or gettin rid of stuff :)
:) So that's another 2 positive things about myself. Actually i'm goin to write a list :)
1) I have pretty eyes
2) I have sexy calfs :P
3) I Care about people alot.
4) I am book smart
5) I make people smile :)
6) I love the little things in life
7) I'm very anal about having things in alphabetical order :)
8) I'm going to be nice to myself from now on.
9) I don't judge people before knowing more than one side of the story :)
10) I like NOT being skin and bones :)
That's 10 positive things about myself :)
Well I'm off I get some clothes on :) Don't you just love nude blogging, just kidding! In a nice furry robe! ok i'm off!
Ciao my pretty bunnies :)
Hoppy Easter Everybody!!!!
I'm in a hippidy hoppidy mood :)
The Easter bunny was good to me this year :P Vanilla chocolate bunny and $25 movie card and little eggies! Yumm!
Headin' over to the G'ma's and G'pa's house so I'm dressin' up! Yay!
Surprisingly I woke up bad but now i'm in such a good mood. I woke up from a nightmare where someone hauled my bellybutton ring out from my bellybutton. :O I legit woke up thinking there was blood everywhere but I was just warm from all the blankets xD
Sooo the past 2 days i've been feeling somewhat better! I rediscovered something to take my mind of everything and that thing would be organizing. I love to organize things and chuck stuff! So I've been doin' that and I've been too tired and occupied that I don't want to think completely negatively, not to say I'm totally not because I am. My thinking did get me somewhere though, a friend randomly stopped talking to me, answering my messages and so on and I was completely stund by it. Then I realized the last time we spoke I said somethin negative about myself and she was after warnin me if I said something I have to make it up by sayin 10 positive things about myself, and well I only got 2 and couldn't think of no more so I managed to change the subject but then the next mornin she wouldn't talk to me. So I have a feelin that is why. Not completely sure and I over analyze everything to the bare bone. So the punishment is that she wouldn't speak to me for 2 weeks. Harsh, but if this is why she isn't speaking to me it definitely smartened me up abit. Because like I really kinda want talk to her and yeah.
I guess it upset me more seeing that it brought me back to me and HB but like I somewhat understand what I did wrong there. And I wish I could explain how sorry I am to her but I don't want to hurt her more than I already have. I'll always care about her :) So I'll telepathically send her a Hoppy Easter :)
I miss bein happy, so I like this feeling comin back today :) I really don't want to hurt myself anymore. But it's like theres another person standin in the way constantly of me makin my decisions. I'll make one promise to myself now. Because I can't just live for the sake of other people. I will never cut again. Ok make this 2. And I'll never fucking smoke weed again :D I'll take my pain out into organizing or cleanin :) Or gettin rid of stuff :)
:) So that's another 2 positive things about myself. Actually i'm goin to write a list :)
1) I have pretty eyes
2) I have sexy calfs :P
3) I Care about people alot.
4) I am book smart
5) I make people smile :)
6) I love the little things in life
7) I'm very anal about having things in alphabetical order :)
8) I'm going to be nice to myself from now on.
9) I don't judge people before knowing more than one side of the story :)
10) I like NOT being skin and bones :)
That's 10 positive things about myself :)
Well I'm off I get some clothes on :) Don't you just love nude blogging, just kidding! In a nice furry robe! ok i'm off!
Ciao my pretty bunnies :)
Saturday, April 7, 2012
April 7, 2012
Hey!
Well Thursday was a horrible horrible night.
I went to a friends house to chill and of course we started drinking. I started taking shots at 730 ish and I took about 4 rum shots. That was fine untillll She started smoking weed. It's was a 2 litre with a bag at the bottom, A lung I believe. Anyways we all did that and I took the biggest inhalation of it. Bad bad bad bad idea. I kind of got woozy after that and I passed out. I remember coming too and just throwing up and my friend was trying to feed me pizza and "apple juice" <-- which was the water with sugar added lol. Anyways I never took either and her and her bf got really worried because I couldn't respond to them. It was like I was paralyzed and I couldn't speak or sit or walk. So they called 911 on me. When they did my friend came to me and was like "quick take a shot the paramedics are coming" Ya know because it wasn't like I had my head in a box puking or anything. Thank god I was coming out of whatever I was in and had the sense to not take it. But The paramedics still came and access me and they were like was she drinking I was like yupp and they were like any drugs? I was about to say yeah my friends butted in and they said no so I just went with that.
Then they offered to take me to the hospital obviously but I flat out refused so then I had to sign something to say whatever happened isn't their fault or something. Then I kind of passed out for the night.
Fun eh? I'm never smoking anything or doing drugs ever again, i've never been that sick or dis-orientented in my life. Friday was my first hangover day too. FML So I woke up and walked to needs craving a pineapple popsicle and french vanilla coffee and chips :P
Well i'm best kind now. Still kicking.
Well i'm off!
Ciao!
Well Thursday was a horrible horrible night.
I went to a friends house to chill and of course we started drinking. I started taking shots at 730 ish and I took about 4 rum shots. That was fine untillll She started smoking weed. It's was a 2 litre with a bag at the bottom, A lung I believe. Anyways we all did that and I took the biggest inhalation of it. Bad bad bad bad idea. I kind of got woozy after that and I passed out. I remember coming too and just throwing up and my friend was trying to feed me pizza and "apple juice" <-- which was the water with sugar added lol. Anyways I never took either and her and her bf got really worried because I couldn't respond to them. It was like I was paralyzed and I couldn't speak or sit or walk. So they called 911 on me. When they did my friend came to me and was like "quick take a shot the paramedics are coming" Ya know because it wasn't like I had my head in a box puking or anything. Thank god I was coming out of whatever I was in and had the sense to not take it. But The paramedics still came and access me and they were like was she drinking I was like yupp and they were like any drugs? I was about to say yeah my friends butted in and they said no so I just went with that.
Then they offered to take me to the hospital obviously but I flat out refused so then I had to sign something to say whatever happened isn't their fault or something. Then I kind of passed out for the night.
Fun eh? I'm never smoking anything or doing drugs ever again, i've never been that sick or dis-orientented in my life. Friday was my first hangover day too. FML So I woke up and walked to needs craving a pineapple popsicle and french vanilla coffee and chips :P
Well i'm best kind now. Still kicking.
Well i'm off!
Ciao!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
April 5, 2012
Hey
Oh my crazy time.
See the Psych today. Told her about my "plan". Bad fuckin idea. Nobody gets it. She called my mom because she was obligated to. Saying I was having suicidal intentions although she said they are passive and not active. Wrong!! I don't know why I even said anything. Because like if I got in the mood to kill myself to go to the e.r I was like why would I go there if I want to kill myself? I don't know. Anyways mom now knows I have thoughts . Yay.
Another thing. I met this girl, Vanessa. Like i never learn from past relationships, like i'm obsessive an clingy. Only known each other for a few days and were "datin" Oh me nerves where to start there :P Maybe I won't, just yet.
Anyways had an overall "fun" day lol
Ciao
Oh my crazy time.
See the Psych today. Told her about my "plan". Bad fuckin idea. Nobody gets it. She called my mom because she was obligated to. Saying I was having suicidal intentions although she said they are passive and not active. Wrong!! I don't know why I even said anything. Because like if I got in the mood to kill myself to go to the e.r I was like why would I go there if I want to kill myself? I don't know. Anyways mom now knows I have thoughts . Yay.
Another thing. I met this girl, Vanessa. Like i never learn from past relationships, like i'm obsessive an clingy. Only known each other for a few days and were "datin" Oh me nerves where to start there :P Maybe I won't, just yet.
Anyways had an overall "fun" day lol
Ciao
Monday, April 2, 2012
100 questions I found on tumblr!
- I will answer this with complete honesty!
- Have you ever:
- 1) Self harmed? Yes
- 2) Got into a real fight? No
- 3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed? Yes
- 4) Tried to commit suicide? No
- 5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Yes
- 6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting? Nope
- 7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble? Yes
- 8) Accused someone of using you? Yes
- 9) Shoplifted? Nope
- 10) Gotten drunk/high? Yes
- 11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing? Nope
- 12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game? Yes
- (Right now) Are you:
- 13) Suicidal? Yes
- 14) Bored? Yes
- 15) Avoiding someone? Yes
- 16) Avoiding some task? Nope
- 17) Depressed? Yes
- 18) Crying? No
- 19) Annoyed with a friend? Yes
- 20) Worried and confused about something important to you? Yes
- Do you:
- 21) Get depressed easily? Lately I do
- 22) Get jealous/envious easily? I do
- 23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things? Sometimes
- 24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot? All the time
- 25) Try hard in all your classes at school? No
- 26) Go out drinking? Yes
- 27) Smoke cigarettes? No
- 28) Smoke weed? once
- 29) Do any hard drugs? No
- 30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why? :O touche I don't consider it a hard drug.
- 31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will? No
- 32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them? Yes
- 33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain? It actually does
- 34) Believe people deserve second chances? They do
- 35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying) Don't get what it means.
- 36) Think things will get better? No
- 37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished? I am being punished
- 38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest) Yes
- Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend:
- 39) Long hair OR short hair? Short
- 40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs? Smile
- 41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?
- 42) Shy OR open? Open
- 43) Eyes OR body? Eyes
- 44) Religious OR non-religious? Non
- 45) Caring OR non-restricting of you? Caring
- 46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge? Non
- 47) Piercings OR no piercings? Piercing
- 48) Tattoos OR no tattoos? Tattoos
- 49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type? Quiet
- 50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with? Friends
- Would you:
- 51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk? Yes
- 52) Smoke weed? Yes
- 53) Smoke cigarettes? Yes
- 54) Get even with someone who betrayed you? Yes
- 55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you? Prob
- 56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you? Yes
- 57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what? No
- 58) Join a band as a part time activity? No
- 59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse? Yes
- 60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them? Yes
- 61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like? Yes
- 62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family? Yes
- 63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online? No
- 64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported? No
- 65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people? Yes
- 66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them? No
- 67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems? Yes
- 68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes? Yes
- 69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you? Yes and nose
- 70) Sleep naked? Yes
- You can only choose one:
- 71) Black or Orange? Orange
- 72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore? Metalcore
- 73) Cellphone or Computer? Computer
- 74) Chocolate milk OR Coke? Diet coke :P
- 75) Tumblr OR Friends? Idk
- 76) Apple OR PC? Apple
- 77) TV Shows OR Movies? Tv shows
- 78) Old bands OR new Bands? New
- 79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock? Pop-Punk
- 80) Reading OR Listening to music? Music
- 81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice. Pepsi, coke makes me angry lol
- 82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically? Changing
- 83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge? Breakdown
- 84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice. Who are they?
- 85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice. ....
- 86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary? Documentary
- 87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe? Europe
- 88) Shoes OR Shirts? Shoes
- 89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence? ummm?
- 90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice. Stay in school, dropping out was the worst idea ever.
- Almost over:
- 91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest. Well 89, one was for the guys :P
- 92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family? Nope
- 93) Do you want to travel when you are older? Yes
- 94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams? Yes
- 95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions? Yes :D
- 96) Rather be the opposite gender? Somedays LOL
- 97) What will you name your son/daughter? Not sure about son. But Caliope or Parvati for a daughter
- 98) Do you get harassed more than most people do? I used to
- 99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason. None
- 100) What makes you a bad person in your mind? Everything I do
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