April 13, 2012

Hey!
Soo beside the wonderful start of the week I had last friday, I've had a pretty good week I suppose.
Went for a couple of bike rides, planning another next weekend, A long one! :)
Seen the psych, she was concerned over some of my answers from the questionare I filled out, about how I dislike myself, I want to die yada yada yada but she was concerned how I filled out how I don't cry. I legitt don't cry about these thoughts, i'm surprisingly super calm and i've accepted them. The last time I cried was February ish. But ya she wants me to cry. She says I need to connect to all my emotions. No! I will not. ok well anger is an emotion do you want me to lash out and like hit and throw stuff? Because I friggin feel like doing it all the time. I have my emotions very tightly disciplined.
Like I said i've been feeling up this week :) I acciendentaly gained 3-4 lbs. But I kinda of had a fight within myself like it was bittersweet. I was outraged that I was 125 and I felt soo fat but the funny thing is even at 124 i'm completely fine with that, ya I still feel fat but like 125 made me feel like i was huge and there is only 1 lb in the difference. But today I was eating healthier...Restricting myself from just eating chocolate. So I had a PB sandwich, banana, crackers with PB and some diet pop with a few bites of chocolate :) I woke up 1:30 and it's 7 now. I think I'm going to eat supper now, A light one.. prob salad or something small :) Seeing it's late for supper and I don't want the weight to stick on me. These are delusional thoughts, and I know that. But like I don't know! I just want a flat stomach, I like to see the outline of my hip bones and bottom on my ribs but not the full out frame, I like to see my collarbones but I don't want to see my chest bones protruding. I can finally see my shoulder blades alittle bit and i'm fine with that :) I can see my spine...That I find gross ish. I don't like being able to see it.
I need to find a happy medium and be able to work out and love the body i'm in. But that still doesn't change the fact that I want to end my life. I've said it a million times about if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate... I wouldn't! But with the insulin, this takes careful planning. Preciseness I want to go to a place I love or like at least and O.D there. But like the sain part of me wants me to O.D right now ( yes the sain part, bear with me) So that someone will find me and that i'm forced to seek treatment. I know no one can force me but that is what I need. Right now I have to have a close call and to have all my rights completely taken from me. I want to admit myself. But i'm not sick enough, they won't do anything.
Anyways I'm in a decent mood so enough of this for now :)
Gone to get some chow :)
Ciao!