Hey
Ok so i went a bit overboard yesterday. Totally regret it and I feel so guilty and ashamed. Now I have these huge scratches/cuts on both my hands of which i'm constantly been trying to cover all day. Plus!
I had my ED appt today. Funn right? I had another doc. Friggin wonderful! So pretty much what went down was we talked about how i felt 0-10 I said zero, zero motivation, zero wanting to get better. So then she asked the next obvious question about harming and like I told my other doc last time about my cuts. Plus I was awkwardly clutching my hands under my sleeves so she obviously thought I was hiding something so when she asked to see them I just slowly gave her both of my cut up hands. Then she asked about me wanting to kill myself, yada yada yada. I said yeah and when I do I wouldn't tell nobody and the room got sooo quiet. I'm not sure if they entirely believe that I will or what, but Like i'm not giving into treatment and I expressed that today, I'll see the Psych but I don't want people badgering me about eating or to be put on meds. I have a slowly built thought out plan. I'm not telling anybody because then it won't happen. I just wish I trusted my "friends" enough or the ones that like me anyhow, to tell them whats going on, Ahhh its like a revolving door with my head... going in circles.
Well anyways I'm kind of ending things the way I want to. And seeing that today my progress is working. My bp is now being slightly effected. It dropped 10 when I stood up. Making myself weaker to make my plan succeed.
Well thats a mouthful today.
Ciao
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