Hey.
Long time since I posted. Well things arent the greatest.
It's like i'm falling back into the same thing all over again, I feel soo shitty.
I ate so much food, but I never. And like I feel so fat ..that I am.And I feel so worthless but yet I know i'm not. I feel that no one is there and that is partly true because people think they can help me and listen but they can't because even though I go into the smallest details it still seems to be too much. I find i'm complaining. Which I always do and like I feel that everyone is afraid to say the truth afraid that it will push me over the edge and like thats sad. Why would people do that? I'm a bitch plain and simple. I know i've always have been and I know I am now. I'm perfectly aware of all my flaws and what needs to be changed. I'm always changing. I'm not the exact same person I was two months ago or even the same person from two years ago. I'm still "me" but i've learned to experience and learn. And that right there has caused me to find way to numb out the pain and try to eliminate the negativity coming towards me but in return it's being letout through me and onto the people that like me or love me.
I though I was getting better, eating, gaining weight, having two steady jobs, being busy,seeing friends.But i'm not. I've learned to hide it so well i'm fooling myself. I had myself so confused of whats right and wrong I only know what I choose to know, what I mean there is I'm very oblivious to being told anything otherwise of what i think I already know.
The thoughts are emerging again and the pain to be eating again is arising and the need to throw up is coming back. I'm just an overall horrible person. and people really don't need me in their lives. Thats the only nice thing I can really say about myself is that I do care about others even though I don't show it.
I don't wanna hurt julie, daniel, cavelle, allie, alison, katy, my family.
And I really didn't mean to hurt everyone I have like ryan, chris, and hannah and the numerous others But I have and i'm sorry!
Anyways this ain't nothing serious. Just a blog , just a post about another bad day. Another bad week...month...so on
Am I ok? Not really.
Do I need help? Yeah maybe but I've sought it and never got it.
But I will be back and right now i'm not going anywhere. Not today anyhow.
-Melissa
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
July 4th, 2012
Hey!
Sooo I was browsin the net while my sister is gone because like I said mydamn computer charger broke so i'm borrowing her lovely pain in the ass laptop :) <33
Anyways quickk tid bit!
A girl I was dancing with on Halloween of '11 messaged me on pof! We had a time and dirty danced and everything. I never did catch her name but we just crossed paths again :) So it's nice to hear from her and that she actually remembered me! I kind of liked her friend too but I found her on facebook later and she was like 30 .. A tad oldish for me :P my crush shall remain a crush! But hopefully this reconnectionwill turn into something :) a new friend :).
Welll tomorrow i'm working from 9am -2 at one job and5-11pm at another. god help me plus I have a docs appt at3 Wahhhhh I'm soo busy but I fucking love it <3 Haha I just hate working on beautiful days! But i'll have my share of sun in toronto! Leaving in 6days woooooo!
Anyway that was my lil update! Now i'm off to drink diet cranberry and lambs by myself while watching rizzoli and isles <3 damn those girls! Woo! anyways!
Ciao!
Sooo I was browsin the net while my sister is gone because like I said mydamn computer charger broke so i'm borrowing her lovely pain in the ass laptop :) <33
Anyways quickk tid bit!
A girl I was dancing with on Halloween of '11 messaged me on pof! We had a time and dirty danced and everything. I never did catch her name but we just crossed paths again :) So it's nice to hear from her and that she actually remembered me! I kind of liked her friend too but I found her on facebook later and she was like 30 .. A tad oldish for me :P my crush shall remain a crush! But hopefully this reconnectionwill turn into something :) a new friend :).
Welll tomorrow i'm working from 9am -2 at one job and5-11pm at another. god help me plus I have a docs appt at3 Wahhhhh I'm soo busy but I fucking love it <3 Haha I just hate working on beautiful days! But i'll have my share of sun in toronto! Leaving in 6days woooooo!
Anyway that was my lil update! Now i'm off to drink diet cranberry and lambs by myself while watching rizzoli and isles <3 damn those girls! Woo! anyways!
Ciao!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
July 1, 2012
Happy Canada day :)
What a bad day i'm having!
Well i'm just so hot headed right now like I don't wanna do anything, trying to lighten up abit for tonight.
I shall reveal my main issue of my madness. I gained weight. I was fine with going along wth people and saying ok i'll eat and stuff that was fine BUT! I'm 131lbs currently. I was fine being under 130lbs and I feel very large right now. I don't feel cmfortable in my skin. Not that I ever had but like I feeel gross and fat and theres fat everywhere.
I feell that me wearing a bikini will be completely appauling to people around me and like I don't want to make people sick on their vacay by looking at a fat girl in a bikini. Right? it's just wrong.
Sooo i'm giving up ice cream. I'm completely stopping eating it until at least 'm back from toronto. I can't just say oh i'll have alittle bit no. It has to be 100% gone. So unfortunately me being lazy and gaining weight has caused this so I have to deal with the consequences.
Other than that Ihave the eating disorder coming back full swing. So i'm telling myself to not eat. Becauseeeeeright now what i've been doing was eating everytime I could so I wouldnt feeel hungry. I haven't felt a hunger pain in at least 2-3 weeks and I need to feel it. I want food but I don't need it. so i'll eat again now when I feel starving :) I ate fries at like 1 today and havent had anything since but like i'm sre i'll end up eating something later LOL guarentee.
Oh and Bo had a seizure today,broke my heart. We were out and about to getziggys fries and he just lied down and couldn't move and he was trying so hard to get in my arms so I could hold him :( And these two nice young lads came oveer and ran to tims and got him water and rubbed it all over his face and body :) He finally snapped out of it and it made me sooo happy to see people to come to our help to help bo :) And we seen them around and they poped over to see how he was doing, god love em! poor babes is tuckered right out now! hahah
Anddddd another thing! 9 days till I head off the island! Sooo excited! toronto here I come! Going to be fun :) Going to miss bo and penelope and pashimina! Hope I don't freak out too much :P Going to be hitting the extreme rides, maybe some bunge jumping? Yeah budddyy!
Well i'm all calmed down now :) Sweatin' but calm ok tmi but whatever I shall lay down no limits to my rants!
I'll try and post here bit more this coming week before I heads off!
Ciao!!!!!!!
What a bad day i'm having!
Well i'm just so hot headed right now like I don't wanna do anything, trying to lighten up abit for tonight.
I shall reveal my main issue of my madness. I gained weight. I was fine with going along wth people and saying ok i'll eat and stuff that was fine BUT! I'm 131lbs currently. I was fine being under 130lbs and I feel very large right now. I don't feel cmfortable in my skin. Not that I ever had but like I feeel gross and fat and theres fat everywhere.
I feell that me wearing a bikini will be completely appauling to people around me and like I don't want to make people sick on their vacay by looking at a fat girl in a bikini. Right? it's just wrong.
Sooo i'm giving up ice cream. I'm completely stopping eating it until at least 'm back from toronto. I can't just say oh i'll have alittle bit no. It has to be 100% gone. So unfortunately me being lazy and gaining weight has caused this so I have to deal with the consequences.
Other than that Ihave the eating disorder coming back full swing. So i'm telling myself to not eat. Becauseeeeeright now what i've been doing was eating everytime I could so I wouldnt feeel hungry. I haven't felt a hunger pain in at least 2-3 weeks and I need to feel it. I want food but I don't need it. so i'll eat again now when I feel starving :) I ate fries at like 1 today and havent had anything since but like i'm sre i'll end up eating something later LOL guarentee.
Oh and Bo had a seizure today,broke my heart. We were out and about to getziggys fries and he just lied down and couldn't move and he was trying so hard to get in my arms so I could hold him :( And these two nice young lads came oveer and ran to tims and got him water and rubbed it all over his face and body :) He finally snapped out of it and it made me sooo happy to see people to come to our help to help bo :) And we seen them around and they poped over to see how he was doing, god love em! poor babes is tuckered right out now! hahah
Anddddd another thing! 9 days till I head off the island! Sooo excited! toronto here I come! Going to be fun :) Going to miss bo and penelope and pashimina! Hope I don't freak out too much :P Going to be hitting the extreme rides, maybe some bunge jumping? Yeah budddyy!
Well i'm all calmed down now :) Sweatin' but calm ok tmi but whatever I shall lay down no limits to my rants!
I'll try and post here bit more this coming week before I heads off!
Ciao!!!!!!!
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