July 28, 2012

Hey.
Long time since I posted. Well things arent the greatest.
It's like i'm falling back into the same thing all over again, I feel soo shitty.
I ate so much food, but I never. And like I feel so fat ..that I am.And I feel so worthless but yet I know i'm not. I feel that no one is there and that is partly true because people think they can help me and listen but they can't because even though I go into the smallest details it still seems to be too much. I find i'm complaining. Which I always do and like I feel that everyone is afraid to say the truth afraid that it will push me over the edge and like thats sad. Why would people do that? I'm a bitch plain and simple. I know i've always have been and I know I am now. I'm perfectly aware of all my flaws and what needs to be changed. I'm always changing. I'm not the exact same person I was two months ago or even the same person from two years ago. I'm still "me" but i've learned to experience and learn. And that right there has caused me to find way to numb out the pain and try to eliminate the negativity coming towards me but in return it's being letout through me and onto the people that like me or love me.
I though I was getting better, eating, gaining weight, having two steady jobs, being busy,seeing friends.But i'm not. I've learned to hide it so well i'm fooling myself. I had myself so confused of whats right and wrong I only know what I choose to know, what I mean there is I'm very oblivious to being told anything otherwise of what i think I already know.
The thoughts are emerging again and the pain to be eating again is arising and the need to throw up is coming back. I'm just an overall horrible person. and people really don't need me in their lives. Thats the only nice thing I can really say about myself is that I do care about others even though I don't show it.
I don't wanna hurt julie, daniel, cavelle, allie, alison, katy, my family.
And I really didn't mean to hurt everyone I have like ryan, chris, and hannah and the numerous others But I have and i'm sorry!
Anyways this ain't nothing serious. Just a blog , just a post about another bad day. Another bad week...month...so on
Am I ok? Not really.
Do I need help? Yeah maybe but I've sought it and never got it.
But I will be back and right now i'm not going anywhere. Not today anyhow.
-Melissa