Hey
Well i'm in for a major explanation/update.
On Feb 6 at like 730 I tried to kill myself. Tried as in not succeeding....unfortunately. I have no regrets and i'll do it again but next time it will work...
Anyways!
Went to my psych who sent me to the waterford and there I stayed for 8 hours waiting!!!! I told them buggers thats I had an intention of harming myself and overdosing. I TOLD THEM! I maxed out my insulin so when i wanted to I could O.D. They were going to let me go apparently.
Until! I gave myself 25 units of insulin. ( I was on 4 units a day) So about 6 x my daily limit.....I was chatting it up with another patient and she told on me. Boy were they pissed....Well Then I got to take a ride to the wonderful st claires for a nice I.V set up of sugar.....I attempted to re-plug in my pump there buttttt my "babysitter" aka nurse seen what I did and confiscated my pump....Fun times I was there hooked up from 830pm-2am......and my sugars droppped. So then they gave me orange juice and i refused to drink it and then they gave me a sandwich and i refused to eat that so then i got head to head with another nurse and she threatened to restrain me and shove a feeding tube down my nose......Fun.. Can't remember any much else from that night....
Then I was admitted to the waterford short stay for apparently 5 days..or 4 I honestly don't know. From Feb 6 wed- Feb 11 monday. Where I continued to hurt myself daily....Finding metal and needles and hard plastic to cut with....Got several items 2-3 times each day...even though they were watching me....yeah...
I was put on constant watch twice and got into loads of sooky spells and I was sick for the majority of it and still am to the day!
Worst thing is, I'd do it again. But this time i'm taking 3 vials instead of 25 units...a vial has about 500 units each i'd say.....It will work. but not right now. things are to hot and i'm constantly watched... I wish I could feel differently but I don't...
I'm tired and I have so much hate and I love my girlfriend and i'd hate to hurt her....and I am ...everyday..it's not fair.
I wish last year didn't happen. And if it did I wish it worked out....It's the not knowing that is eating at me. For A full fucking year. I've tried everyday to forget ...every day. I'm crazy I know that , even stupid. I guess thats the way it is!
Ciao
-Mel
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Feb 3
Hey
My mind is going a million miles a sec now so i just need to write and half of it is stupid but i just need too.
I feeel like I should be like soooo happy. Kind of funny actually but, Anyhow I've met this amazing girl. Shes purely an amazing person. She 1000000% there for me and shes there every god damn step of the way of this horrible process of "getting better".
I'm telling myself I'm not fat, I'm fine the way I am I need to change my diet, i need to take insulin, I don't need to lose weight. I could gain a few lbs, I need to work out more and tone up, I'm going to listen to the help. But on the same time.
I'm huge, If you change your gonna gain more weight and feel more shitty and spaz out more than what i'm spazzing at right now. If you eat healthy your gonna be miserable, if you take insulin you'll gain weight,
But yet 90% of the food i'm eating is chocolate and chips and diet pop. I'm not exaggerating one bit...actually maybe I am I think I should bump that number up to 95%.
Sooo I'm miserable now...which i fucking shouldn't be and i'm afraid if i do any of the "good" things i'll be more miserable....seriously wtf do I have to lose.
I want to love the girl i'm with. I love texting her like every minute of every day and I love spending every non working minute with her but it's like I find ways to torture myself . And shes there for me. she hasnt run away and she's amazing. She doesnt judge. She doesnt tell me to get better. She would like it if I did certain things but she isnt judging. I think thats why I feel so connected with her......It's crazy because I've only been with her a short period of time. Making it two weeks today :) Making it a month since I first started chatting with you...
Welll I guess to point out i'm neither high, drunk or anything under that category lol Sooo this seems like a pile of jibberish....this jibberish being my head 100% of the time, every day, alll the time 24/7, 7/52, 52/12 yeah. that makes since to me anyhow......
Nighttt!
Ciao amigo!
My mind is going a million miles a sec now so i just need to write and half of it is stupid but i just need too.
I feeel like I should be like soooo happy. Kind of funny actually but, Anyhow I've met this amazing girl. Shes purely an amazing person. She 1000000% there for me and shes there every god damn step of the way of this horrible process of "getting better".
I'm telling myself I'm not fat, I'm fine the way I am I need to change my diet, i need to take insulin, I don't need to lose weight. I could gain a few lbs, I need to work out more and tone up, I'm going to listen to the help. But on the same time.
I'm huge, If you change your gonna gain more weight and feel more shitty and spaz out more than what i'm spazzing at right now. If you eat healthy your gonna be miserable, if you take insulin you'll gain weight,
But yet 90% of the food i'm eating is chocolate and chips and diet pop. I'm not exaggerating one bit...actually maybe I am I think I should bump that number up to 95%.
Sooo I'm miserable now...which i fucking shouldn't be and i'm afraid if i do any of the "good" things i'll be more miserable....seriously wtf do I have to lose.
I want to love the girl i'm with. I love texting her like every minute of every day and I love spending every non working minute with her but it's like I find ways to torture myself . And shes there for me. she hasnt run away and she's amazing. She doesnt judge. She doesnt tell me to get better. She would like it if I did certain things but she isnt judging. I think thats why I feel so connected with her......It's crazy because I've only been with her a short period of time. Making it two weeks today :) Making it a month since I first started chatting with you...
Welll I guess to point out i'm neither high, drunk or anything under that category lol Sooo this seems like a pile of jibberish....this jibberish being my head 100% of the time, every day, alll the time 24/7, 7/52, 52/12 yeah. that makes since to me anyhow......
Nighttt!
Ciao amigo!
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