Hey
My mind is going a million miles a sec now so i just need to write and half of it is stupid but i just need too.
I feeel like I should be like soooo happy. Kind of funny actually but, Anyhow I've met this amazing girl. Shes purely an amazing person. She 1000000% there for me and shes there every god damn step of the way of this horrible process of "getting better".
I'm telling myself I'm not fat, I'm fine the way I am I need to change my diet, i need to take insulin, I don't need to lose weight. I could gain a few lbs, I need to work out more and tone up, I'm going to listen to the help. But on the same time.
I'm huge, If you change your gonna gain more weight and feel more shitty and spaz out more than what i'm spazzing at right now. If you eat healthy your gonna be miserable, if you take insulin you'll gain weight,
But yet 90% of the food i'm eating is chocolate and chips and diet pop. I'm not exaggerating one bit...actually maybe I am I think I should bump that number up to 95%.
Sooo I'm miserable now...which i fucking shouldn't be and i'm afraid if i do any of the "good" things i'll be more miserable....seriously wtf do I have to lose.
I want to love the girl i'm with. I love texting her like every minute of every day and I love spending every non working minute with her but it's like I find ways to torture myself . And shes there for me. she hasnt run away and she's amazing. She doesnt judge. She doesnt tell me to get better. She would like it if I did certain things but she isnt judging. I think thats why I feel so connected with her......It's crazy because I've only been with her a short period of time. Making it two weeks today :) Making it a month since I first started chatting with you...
Welll I guess to point out i'm neither high, drunk or anything under that category lol Sooo this seems like a pile of jibberish....this jibberish being my head 100% of the time, every day, alll the time 24/7, 7/52, 52/12 yeah. that makes since to me anyhow......
Nighttt!
Ciao amigo!
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