Numb

I wish this pain would go away
   want               to
I've thought about the insulin. just where. I have a couple of solid places in mind. But at the same time I want to be found.
I have such a headache because I ate to much junk.  I want to throw it up. But i'm not very good at it plus the family is home. one day I will succeed.
I think it's unfair for me to ask for help when i'm not sick, i'm not poor, i'm not dependent on others but yet I am? I confuse myself 24/7
I think i'm being an attention whore 24/7
I think I crave attention 24/7
I pushed everybody away by being a bitch.
My friends confuse me, they don't really like me.
My "gf" or w.e I don't even know it's like it's a repeat from before.
Everything is a repeat, it's all the same.
I'm always sad and i feel that I do it for attention but I don't.
I laugh at everything but is it really actually funny?
I'm thin but am I actually thin or am I just fat like I always think I am.
My legs are huge.
I'm to fat to be a model, too akward, to weird, to ugly, to unstable.
I'm in a fucking wonderful mood.
I want to take the needle to my arm and push the plunger.

May 31, 2012

Hey ok pissy mood.
Day off and got called in grrr now I feel bad about not going in but like i'm exhausted and have to do stuff today.
MY friends. Hung out with them and while I was in the car they made plans to go to the gym and didn't ask, it's not even so much that because there like invite yourself before but one asked the other THEN called another girl and never invited me. Childish I know, alot of stuff i'm doing lately is childish.
And I've had too girls confess their love for me in the past week. Both with the same name. I don't find this funny or like exciting. It's actually quite a problem because I don't like one and she randomly said it, and wont  stop texting. ( i've become a major bitch lately). The other girl I really like but I just can't say that I love her. Too many issues i'm having. way to many, like she hasn't texted me in 2 days and when i tried to text her it was like she didn't want to talk. I don't know.
Soooo tired. The more that i'm told not to do something I want to do it even more.
Ciao.

May 27, 2012

Some comparing of how I think. It's fucked. I think 2 ways with everything.
Eating.
Normal- Have a small burger or a sundae for lunch :) I'll work it off
ED- No no your not eating. Ok have a salad. Then the Normal cuts in and it's like but I'll go low and have to eat more. so
N 1- ED 0
Weight
N- I'm 126lbs i'm fine, Healthy weight, could do some sit-ups and some extra exercise for fun :)
ED- You fucking cow your fine at 123lbs, That's a better weight, your still big but it's better than being 126 ew.
You have rolls everywhere and like there's fat EVERYWHERE. Your not wearing shorts.
Harming
N- I don't want to anymore, I'll stop, I want to be healthy and beautiful to have curves and look good.
ED- Do it, your fat , your not revealing anything anyways. The hopes of being fit is an illusion and a dream that will never come true. 
Blood sugars
N- I want to have regular sugars and eat right and not worry about gaining weight from insulin.
ED- Your going to have high sugars because it will make you lose weight and make you really sick and hopefully kill you. 
The funny thing is if it goes high without my intention of it doing so I get worried. Strange huh?
Insulin
N- It don't make you gain weight. it's a medication you need to not make you sick.
ED- It makes you gain weight you loser, stop taking it, you'll love the results, a smaller and thinner you.
Treatment
N- I need help from myself, I need help. I need to stop feeling this way it's not right.
ED- There're not going to help you, they're just going to put you on drugs. And make you eat lots. No. you don't want to live anyways.

This is how I feel everyday 24/7 with everything. Obviously it's not this cut and dry but this is a basic idea. It's horrible, I'm miserable to myself and others. I'm ruining my life. of which I do and Don't want to live.
I see no hope, but I want to live. A reason. See? But I don't to go on medication. It's something I can abuse. I have a very sick mind. I want to be stick thin but then I just want to be thin and tone. I do want to see my bones, and I don't I just want to see my frame.
This is obviously a double day. I'm super irrational today. Someday's I have really really good days And I think sanely for the most part. I wasn't to cut up my hips and tummy so bad. Why? to seek help? or is because I think that low of myself but! I have an appt tomorrow, then their discharging me and a part of me is rebelling and fighting for some reason. But yet i've refused help countless times. :( I don't know. On the same hand i'm not sick? I'm not small enough to get help? I'm not stick thin like some girls (who are beautiful!) I find beauty in everybody but myself. Even larger girls I see thinness for some strange reason. That sounded bitchy but it wasn't. Anyways I needed a vent. again. i've gone 2 weeks without speaking to a psych. losing my mind. Well gone to eat supper. puke.
Thats another thing! I shall continue this thing I was doing. Maybe I'll see since from it. ? I don't know.
Well i'm off to work too!
Ciao!

May 26, 2012

I'm so mad.
Why do people have to be so mean? I don't know mean isn't the word. Heartless, insensitive?
Not that I need people to be nice. I don't need that BUT! If your stepping in and out of my life and seeing me whenever it's conveindent to you and making broken promises then yeah I get a tad upset. Why? Because I never use to lie intentionally. If I made plans I stuck with them, If I promised you something I followed through, If I upset somebody I'd feel really bad. But it's like the sincerity of me is gone.  I make broken plans because you do, I "forget" things because you do, And If I upset someone I do feel bad ish But i'm starting to not fucking give a shit.
I'm a heartless person. I'm very manipulative and I use things to my advantage. I say I'd never harm I say i'm ok, I water down my feelings, I say i'll eat but guess what, No. I'm not, I'm slowly letting go I have been for a while and now it's becoming more pronouced. I have let go of my self control and i'm disgusting. I've gained so much weight, I can't eat healthy and I consider myself an anorexic? Pathetic. I'm regaining back my control. I'll do whatever I want, I'm done caring about how other people feel.
Little rant. It's funny it's so much easier to just not eat then it is to have little things. It's also weird how I can have my sugars high But if they go high without my doing I get upset and worried. Fucking weird.
I'm off to work yay.

100 again, :P

• Have you ever:
• 1) Self harmed?   Yes
• 2) Got into a real fight? No
• 3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed? Yes
• 4) Tried to commit suicide? No
• 5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Yes
• 6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting? No
• 7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble? Yes
• 8) Accused someone of using you? Yes
• 9) Shoplifted? No
• 10) Gotten drunk/high? Yes
• 11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing? No
• 12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game? Yes
• (Right now) Are you:
• 13) Suicidal? Yes
• 14) Bored? No
• 15) Avoiding someone? Not atm
• 16) Avoiding some task? Yes
• 17) Depressed? Yes
• 18) Crying? No
• 19) Annoyed with a friend? No
• 20) Worried and confused about something important to you? Yes
• Do you:
• 21) Get depressed easily? No
• 22) Get jealous/envious easily? Yes
• 23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things? Yes
• 24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot? Yes
• 25) Try hard in all your classes at school? No
• 26) Go out drinking? Yes
• 27) Smoke cigarettes? No
• 28) Smoke weed? Yes
• 29) Do any hard drugs? No
• 30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why? Because i'm a stupid teenager.
• 31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will? No
• 32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them? Yes
• 33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain? Yes
• 34) Believe people deserve second chances? Yes
• 35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying) Yes
• 36) Think things will get better? No
• 37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished? Yes
• 38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest) Don't judge I'm curious to why
• Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend:
• 39) Long hair OR short hair? Short
• 40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs? Smile
• 41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?
• 42) Shy OR open? Open
• 43) Eyes OR body? Eyes
• 44) Religious OR non-religious? Non
• 45) Caring OR non-restricting of you? Caring
• 46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge? Non
• 47) Piercings OR no piercings? Piercings
• 48) Tattoos OR no tattoos? Tattoos
• 49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type? Party
• 50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with? Friends
• Would you:
• 51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk? Yes
• 52) Smoke weed? Yes
• 53) Smoke cigarettes? Yes
• 54) Get even with someone who betrayed you? Yes
• 55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you? Maybe
• 56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you? Yes
• 57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what? No
• 58) Join a band as a part time activity? No
• 59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse? Yes
• 60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them? Yes
• 61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like? Nope
• 62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family? No
• 63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online? No
• 64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported? No
• 65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people? Yes
• 66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them? No
• 67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems? Yes
• 68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes? Yes
• 69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you? Toes and stomach
• 70) Sleep naked? Yeah
• You can only choose one:
• 71) Black or Orange? Orange
• 72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore? Metalcore
• 73) Cellphone or Computer? Computer
• 74) Chocolate milk OR Coke? Coke
• 75) Tumblr OR Friends? Friends
• 76) Apple OR PC? PC
• 77) TV Shows OR Movies? Shows
• 78) Old bands OR new Bands? Old
• 79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock? Pop-punk
• 80) Reading OR Listening to music? Music
• 81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice. Coke, less aftertaste
• 82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically? Changing
• 83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge? Clean
• 84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice. Kellin?
• 85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice. Ronnie
• 86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary? Documentary
• 87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe? Europe
• 88) Shoes OR Shirts? Shoes
• 89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence? ???
• 90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice. Stay
• Almost over:
• 91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest. Yes
• 92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family? No
• 93) Do you want to travel when you are older? Yes
• 94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams? Yes
• 95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions? Yes!
• 96) Rather be the opposite gender? No
• 97) What will you name your son/daughter? Daughter- Calliope   Son- Evan, 
• 98) Do you get harassed more than most people do? Yeah
• 99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason. 
• 100) What makes you a bad person in your mind? My head and insensitivity.

Yay today.

So. I’m fatherless…well obv. And just like 5 minutes ago mom said she moving out. Like in 2 hours. Shes gathering up her stuff now.  Why? Because of me. Initially she kicked me out but I just kinda stayed in my room. Never said a word, never screamed or fed into her childish behaviours. And Who comes out looking bad? Might as well start looking for a place for me and my girls (rats) and Bo I suppose seeing she aint taking him , and i’m not giving him up for adoption. Bad day.  I was planning on O.D but nan came and talked me out of anything stupid, for the moment. I’ll take my insulin and needles with me. Maybe I should admit myself. But the hospital is for sick people, not people who are sooky and say their gonna o.d… Anyways off to a friends house for abit. Then coming home and vending for myself. I feel the urge to call the psych but I only seen her yesterday and i’ll see her again in 2 weeks. I feel like calling the housing for youth because we keep in contact regularly but I feel this isn’t an emergency.

May 8, 2012

Hey!!!
Half a day off :D whatttt!
LOL
Anyhow I dunno what to think of it all.
I'm legit right now thinking about every sort of "Help"... i'm getting and just like giving it up.
I'm off my insulin. since saturday at 4. The highest they went was prob gods know I checked it a few hours after I had a huge meal and it was 16.2. But I never wanted to poke myself again so I'm just like chilling, it'll drop on its own. Hey, it's either this or I go to the place I want to go and take a whole shit load of it. Fast and N easy. This way is a whole lot slower.
Last night I was soo skeptical about going out because I thought I looked huge. But this is the funny thing. I seen a pic of me and my friend back on and I thought that person looked small but when I seen my face to that picture my opinion changed. My mind is soo fucked up its not even  funny. I am fat I know that, I know people see that i'm fat but they know I have issues so they are obviously going to say i'm "small". It really pissed me off when my mom called me a twig. Not even the word but because she was a "twig" she was super small when she was my age. She was like 100lbs and my height. Thats not fair when she can be that and I can't. So therefore i'm not a god damn twig. theres 23 lbs in the difference there. But i'm working on it.
No insulin, high sugars and watching what I eat will cause me to lose weight.
But i'm addicted to chocolate and sugar. How am I anorexic if I can't stay away from that stuff. Anorexics have way better and stricter control then I do. I'm very lazy and my moods about everything changes all the time.
Well off to test my sugars. yay!
Ciao!

Mcdees May 4, 2012

Hey been like 4 days :O Unacceptable! so heres how my amazing day yesterday went -_-
-Late for work by 20 min.
- Burned my right middle finer off got fry oil.
- Burned my index finger off oil,  fishing for a lone nugget. Not to mention the one I cut 2 days ago off a box.
Time for some funny stuff now :P
-They wanted someone to volunteer to clean lobby and It took all my power not to yell " I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" But I never, and thats sad
- Someone ordered a swiss mushroom melt bistro....With no mushrooms o__O
- Someone ordered a 1/4 lber with no bun so I had to stack every ingredient on 2 slices of cheese.
- Someone confused the hell out of us by ordering a bistro grilled...no crispy, no grilled no crispy.. Legit -_-
They kept me on fries, fryer, grill and kitchen yesterday :) Happy Moments.
And I found out my kitchen team really cares :) When I burned myself the manager had me on grill so they took over and let me do prep :) I actually really like the people I work with.
Oh oh and after work me, mom, and taylor went to Fog city. Dece!
- Ordered a slice of Banana Caramel cake. And the waiter thought I wanted to share so she brought out 3 forks. I was like OOOOOHHH NOOOO! This is mine, all mine.. Plus neither of them like banana so it just works out.
- Then taylor threatened to kick my ass So I ran and surprisingly she was right behind me and I had to sniff when I was running because the diet drink clogged my throat and I accidentally snorted, well she about died hahaha that was the only thing saving my ass from being kicked :P
Fun day indeed.
I did have this wonderful idea that I wasn't going to eat because I ate to much this week. But i'm shaky and hungry but like i can ignore the hunger but not the shakiness, it gets pretty intense. I hate being diabetic.
Well off for another days work! 4-10 yay! Then 2-10 tomorrow. yay