Wednesday, February 29, 2012
February 29, 2012
Hey!
Thought i'd make a blog today just because it today only happens once every 4 years :P
Ok, so what to say today!
I've learned that i'm a very impatient person. I hate when I don't get my way. That sounds bratty is a sense. But like I can go without a lot of things, asking for rides, asking for new clothes, asking for money, you know all the things teenagers usually ask for :P But I hate not being talked to. Like when something goes wrong with a friend, yes I'll have my sooky moments and be like fuck you for like half a day....then flip at you, then be sorry for flipping because It was a spur of the moment thing, then have a conversation about whats on the go. Like this is usually done within one to two days just to get it out of the way and have things return back to normal. I don't get how people can go longer than that and have everything bottled up. Like flip out when it happens. Yes people say unnecessary things when there're mad but most of it is forgiven. Especially if you like the person. Like ok things aren't cut and dry like that. Me and allie jeez we'd have the biggest fights, I'd be mad at her for weeks on end but at least we talked about it...we sat down and had a non-yelling conversation and dealt with what was going on. Now 5 years later we still talk and hang out, things are good. I just don't get people in general. Now maybe this is me being not being rational about things? That's where the brattyness comes into play. Like If I want to talk to someone I wanna talk to them regardless what happens. I hate when nothing is done because it pisses me right off. It just draws me further and further away, and then we never talk again because in this process I throw a fit and do everything I can to eliminate this person from my life. It's not because I hate them but its because It hurts to have them there. It hurts way too much and I just can't stand it. I have an obsessive stalkerish behavior on some things LOL people is one of them, I will stalk someone severely if I want to find out something. So thats why I throw a fit like that. Because I see things about them and you know what i'm obviously not in there life anymore so its just a tease really. Like walking past a clothing store everyday and you know you can't buy anything. Bad comparison but still. Ok this may be completely obviously to people I know. But whatever it's how I feel and i'm not being judged by it. Maybe I am who knows :P
Well anyways partyin' it up dt tomorrow at liquid for a dance :D Soo excited !
I'm out!
Ciao!
Thought i'd make a blog today just because it today only happens once every 4 years :P
Ok, so what to say today!
I've learned that i'm a very impatient person. I hate when I don't get my way. That sounds bratty is a sense. But like I can go without a lot of things, asking for rides, asking for new clothes, asking for money, you know all the things teenagers usually ask for :P But I hate not being talked to. Like when something goes wrong with a friend, yes I'll have my sooky moments and be like fuck you for like half a day....then flip at you, then be sorry for flipping because It was a spur of the moment thing, then have a conversation about whats on the go. Like this is usually done within one to two days just to get it out of the way and have things return back to normal. I don't get how people can go longer than that and have everything bottled up. Like flip out when it happens. Yes people say unnecessary things when there're mad but most of it is forgiven. Especially if you like the person. Like ok things aren't cut and dry like that. Me and allie jeez we'd have the biggest fights, I'd be mad at her for weeks on end but at least we talked about it...we sat down and had a non-yelling conversation and dealt with what was going on. Now 5 years later we still talk and hang out, things are good. I just don't get people in general. Now maybe this is me being not being rational about things? That's where the brattyness comes into play. Like If I want to talk to someone I wanna talk to them regardless what happens. I hate when nothing is done because it pisses me right off. It just draws me further and further away, and then we never talk again because in this process I throw a fit and do everything I can to eliminate this person from my life. It's not because I hate them but its because It hurts to have them there. It hurts way too much and I just can't stand it. I have an obsessive stalkerish behavior on some things LOL people is one of them, I will stalk someone severely if I want to find out something. So thats why I throw a fit like that. Because I see things about them and you know what i'm obviously not in there life anymore so its just a tease really. Like walking past a clothing store everyday and you know you can't buy anything. Bad comparison but still. Ok this may be completely obviously to people I know. But whatever it's how I feel and i'm not being judged by it. Maybe I am who knows :P
Well anyways partyin' it up dt tomorrow at liquid for a dance :D Soo excited !
I'm out!
Ciao!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
February 27, 2012
Hey
Ok i'll make is short and hopefully simple today :)
Well i'm in a totally better mood...took me a few days and obviously stuck home alone with no contact with anybody was NOT the answer. Made me feel a gazillion times worse. But I'm over that hump once again and I really don't wanna slide back down. Well half way up the hump i mean because if i'm using a metaphor might as well be accurate :D But yeah I drank, I sooked, I was unreasonable, I lashed out. And now I'm o.k. Sorry for those I was soo uncooperative too but I don't like anybody telling me what to do. Or trying to tell me I can't do something.
Well I got a job interviewish type thing today, So I hope all goes well with that. But for back up i'm passing out some more resumes with miss allie :) I'm trying to get on the right track, always was. I just feel this strong urge to rebel and then things the hard way. And with saying I wanted to die and not live, yeah those were the feelings I had, but I had lots of opportunities to do something and I didn't. Soo :)
I want to focus on the positive, because I spend to much on the negative... I know it's there but I've trying dealing with it and i'm taking a break from it for now. Or until I find the main problem then tackle it instead of trying to fight all my problems at one time, which I was doing. I obviously lost that battle :P
Ok. So it seemed all I needed was to stop trying to convince everyone that I was this selfish good for nothing human being and to just be like fuck it. You don't like me fine. I'm going to hang with you, but ya know what you say doesn't and is not going influence me or my mood. I understand that I care too much. About everything and i'm not going to stop just because something bad happened :)
Well i'm off to print off resumes and then for an interview :)
Ciao amigos!
Ok i'll make is short and hopefully simple today :)
Well i'm in a totally better mood...took me a few days and obviously stuck home alone with no contact with anybody was NOT the answer. Made me feel a gazillion times worse. But I'm over that hump once again and I really don't wanna slide back down. Well half way up the hump i mean because if i'm using a metaphor might as well be accurate :D But yeah I drank, I sooked, I was unreasonable, I lashed out. And now I'm o.k. Sorry for those I was soo uncooperative too but I don't like anybody telling me what to do. Or trying to tell me I can't do something.
Well I got a job interviewish type thing today, So I hope all goes well with that. But for back up i'm passing out some more resumes with miss allie :) I'm trying to get on the right track, always was. I just feel this strong urge to rebel and then things the hard way. And with saying I wanted to die and not live, yeah those were the feelings I had, but I had lots of opportunities to do something and I didn't. Soo :)
I want to focus on the positive, because I spend to much on the negative... I know it's there but I've trying dealing with it and i'm taking a break from it for now. Or until I find the main problem then tackle it instead of trying to fight all my problems at one time, which I was doing. I obviously lost that battle :P
Ok. So it seemed all I needed was to stop trying to convince everyone that I was this selfish good for nothing human being and to just be like fuck it. You don't like me fine. I'm going to hang with you, but ya know what you say doesn't and is not going influence me or my mood. I understand that I care too much. About everything and i'm not going to stop just because something bad happened :)
Well i'm off to print off resumes and then for an interview :)
Ciao amigos!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
February 25, 2012
Hey
Well well surprise surprise.
I am just so overcome with every emotion right now. I don't know what to think or feel.
I've been feeling like this a lot lately.
Maybe it's because I've allowed myself to care for another person. And that right there has opened myself up to all these emotions i'm not use to feeling. I hate to cry. Because no matter what anybody says, its a sign of weakness not a sign of being strong. And when i'm upset at everyone and everything, thats just confusing to everyone.
I over analyze everything. I over feel. I over react. I over care. I take everything to the wrong fucking extreme.
I'm just so tired. so emotionally tired.
I just wish people would let me give up.
I do not want to be here. This isn't fair.
Being controlled isn't fair.
I've brought this on myself and now I can't get out.
There's days when I just want to ruin everything I worked so hard to achieve.
I know that this, these feeling are clouding my pov about everything. And I wont know what i've got till it's gone.
I really just want to point out every flaw I have. But it's not going to do me any good. It's impossible to change everything. To make it "perfect".
Well guess what surprise again I have myself at the crying point again. I've never cried this much in my life...why is this happening. I just want everything to stop.
Bye
Well well surprise surprise.
I am just so overcome with every emotion right now. I don't know what to think or feel.
I've been feeling like this a lot lately.
Maybe it's because I've allowed myself to care for another person. And that right there has opened myself up to all these emotions i'm not use to feeling. I hate to cry. Because no matter what anybody says, its a sign of weakness not a sign of being strong. And when i'm upset at everyone and everything, thats just confusing to everyone.
I over analyze everything. I over feel. I over react. I over care. I take everything to the wrong fucking extreme.
I'm just so tired. so emotionally tired.
I just wish people would let me give up.
I do not want to be here. This isn't fair.
Being controlled isn't fair.
I've brought this on myself and now I can't get out.
There's days when I just want to ruin everything I worked so hard to achieve.
I know that this, these feeling are clouding my pov about everything. And I wont know what i've got till it's gone.
I really just want to point out every flaw I have. But it's not going to do me any good. It's impossible to change everything. To make it "perfect".
Well guess what surprise again I have myself at the crying point again. I've never cried this much in my life...why is this happening. I just want everything to stop.
Bye
Friday, February 24, 2012
February 24, 2012
Hey!
Well today has been pretty good. Had my CT results,and ATC. Oh and the cold....but thats only a minor downer.
Well first off my Ct results came back normal. All my smelling problems are associated with my diabetes. Wonderful eh? Let just blame everything on the damn diabetes.
Now for the ATC or ATLS :) Had such a fun day at this! So my scenario was based on a 52 yr old obese man(me) , who robbed a liquor store and got shot at 2 times. Once in the neck and once in the right 6th intercostal. So I had a pretty good job done on my make-up, looked legit real. Now i'm sure from the picture you can tell i'm a girl, i'm young and i'm obviously not any bit obese. Perfect match eh? Heheheh anyways The whole point of this act was to test doctors on their ability to assess what is wrong with patients in an emergency situation. Soo they docs had to go through step by step explanation of what they would do and such. Anyways one part of the exam was to check the pelvic region...Not really just like imaginary. Anyways the whole scene I kept stressing how I was a guy and anyhow one of the doctors asked "how is her prostate" I died! Then he asked about my scrotum LOL Nice to know I had those parts, I would have never known!
Anyhow I posted pictures of my gunshot wounds on my other blog everybodiesbruising.blogspot.com :) Soo Yeah!
So sorry this blog prob makes very little or no since, I have a head cold and I have no energy to be literate or to second check this soo bare with me! I think I may have produced better blogs when I was drunk but who cares right? Well i'm off to sook about my cold !
Bye :)
Well today has been pretty good. Had my CT results,and ATC. Oh and the cold....but thats only a minor downer.
Well first off my Ct results came back normal. All my smelling problems are associated with my diabetes. Wonderful eh? Let just blame everything on the damn diabetes.
Now for the ATC or ATLS :) Had such a fun day at this! So my scenario was based on a 52 yr old obese man(me) , who robbed a liquor store and got shot at 2 times. Once in the neck and once in the right 6th intercostal. So I had a pretty good job done on my make-up, looked legit real. Now i'm sure from the picture you can tell i'm a girl, i'm young and i'm obviously not any bit obese. Perfect match eh? Heheheh anyways The whole point of this act was to test doctors on their ability to assess what is wrong with patients in an emergency situation. Soo they docs had to go through step by step explanation of what they would do and such. Anyways one part of the exam was to check the pelvic region...Not really just like imaginary. Anyways the whole scene I kept stressing how I was a guy and anyhow one of the doctors asked "how is her prostate" I died! Then he asked about my scrotum LOL Nice to know I had those parts, I would have never known!
Anyhow I posted pictures of my gunshot wounds on my other blog everybodiesbruising.blogspot.com :) Soo Yeah!
So sorry this blog prob makes very little or no since, I have a head cold and I have no energy to be literate or to second check this soo bare with me! I think I may have produced better blogs when I was drunk but who cares right? Well i'm off to sook about my cold !
Bye :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
February 23, 2012
Hey
So today has been ...interesting..
Ok well I had a appointment at the mall. Anyways I got hit on by this old dude on the bus. Like legit he would not leave me alone. It was bad enough being stuck on the bus for half an hour with him, He kept sliding closer to me. Buttt when I got off that damn bus I booted it to timmies :P And sure enough he comes right up behind me a few minutes later. He asked why I left him.. -_- Seriously man! I was like ohh I needed my coffee, sorry!! He finally left me alone after that, but he said if I works at the fast food place umm buck something, that he wants free food because I know him...... Really? Oh my.
Maybe it's just me but I had 3 older guys just chattin' me up...Did I have a sign on me today or something? I'm just in an anti-social mood today :P But seriously the old dudes were totally making passes at me...Note to self never wear jeans and high heels to the mall.... It's an old geezer magnet. Whew that needed to be said.
To make it clear though, I don't anyone other then my girlfriend, hittin' on me.
So theres been one guy, one girl and 3 old geezers.... making some sort of move in ONE week!!
Where was this like when I was single? LOL Not that I was any bit interested in any of them anyhow.
Note to self : I'm very bitchy when i'm sick and rude, and emotional.... I think i've covered everything :)
My brain hurts now.....Time for taters :D and chicken....
Well ttyl :D
Ciao!
So today has been ...interesting..
Ok well I had a appointment at the mall. Anyways I got hit on by this old dude on the bus. Like legit he would not leave me alone. It was bad enough being stuck on the bus for half an hour with him, He kept sliding closer to me. Buttt when I got off that damn bus I booted it to timmies :P And sure enough he comes right up behind me a few minutes later. He asked why I left him.. -_- Seriously man! I was like ohh I needed my coffee, sorry!! He finally left me alone after that, but he said if I works at the fast food place umm buck something, that he wants free food because I know him...... Really? Oh my.
Maybe it's just me but I had 3 older guys just chattin' me up...Did I have a sign on me today or something? I'm just in an anti-social mood today :P But seriously the old dudes were totally making passes at me...Note to self never wear jeans and high heels to the mall.... It's an old geezer magnet. Whew that needed to be said.
To make it clear though, I don't anyone other then my girlfriend, hittin' on me.
So theres been one guy, one girl and 3 old geezers.... making some sort of move in ONE week!!
Where was this like when I was single? LOL Not that I was any bit interested in any of them anyhow.
Note to self : I'm very bitchy when i'm sick and rude, and emotional.... I think i've covered everything :)
My brain hurts now.....Time for taters :D and chicken....
Well ttyl :D
Ciao!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
February 21, 2012
Hey
Back to the "skinny" subject.
All day all i've heard was how small I am. Well actually more like the past few months.. here it is
I can see your hip bones
I can see your ribs
I can see your collarbones and chest bones.
Your face is so small now
Your soo tiny
I hardly see you eat
Your diet is horrible
Your starving your body
Your diabetes trouble is from your "eating".
But like I don't think i'm small. But I do see my hip bones and ribs sometimes, I'm not starving myself.
If I choose to drink only diet drinks to fill me up soo what? I do and can eat alot of food in one setting and not get sick over it.
I'm doing this so I can become healthy. I don't need to gain weight because then I'll see the negative of eating more and I really don't want to look like I did when I was younger. I was fat.
I'm not doing this in spite, or to prove I can. I'm doing this because I like to be smaller, but i'm just not seeing it. I see that I can wear size Small clothes now and they are baggy on me. But It's like I can see my big hips and bulging stomach, my flabby arms, my triple chins, my fat feet.
I do like my legs, I find they are toned :)
It's just hard when everybody see's something that you don't.
So today for supper I had veggies, fruit, ice cream, lasagna, and diet root beer :) A balanced meal, but I was way to full after. So I worked it off with 5 sets of 20 sit-ups. First bit of exercise I did in a long time!
So It's a sour/sweet time tonight :) proud of my supper plans :) Not so happy about my appearance and it's hard to see everybody being so worried.
Ok So I'll try to work on this I suppose, I just don't wanna have a backtrack :(
We'll see how it goes :)
Ciao!
Back to the "skinny" subject.
All day all i've heard was how small I am. Well actually more like the past few months.. here it is
I can see your hip bones
I can see your ribs
I can see your collarbones and chest bones.
Your face is so small now
Your soo tiny
I hardly see you eat
Your diet is horrible
Your starving your body
Your diabetes trouble is from your "eating".
But like I don't think i'm small. But I do see my hip bones and ribs sometimes, I'm not starving myself.
If I choose to drink only diet drinks to fill me up soo what? I do and can eat alot of food in one setting and not get sick over it.
I'm doing this so I can become healthy. I don't need to gain weight because then I'll see the negative of eating more and I really don't want to look like I did when I was younger. I was fat.
I'm not doing this in spite, or to prove I can. I'm doing this because I like to be smaller, but i'm just not seeing it. I see that I can wear size Small clothes now and they are baggy on me. But It's like I can see my big hips and bulging stomach, my flabby arms, my triple chins, my fat feet.
I do like my legs, I find they are toned :)
It's just hard when everybody see's something that you don't.
So today for supper I had veggies, fruit, ice cream, lasagna, and diet root beer :) A balanced meal, but I was way to full after. So I worked it off with 5 sets of 20 sit-ups. First bit of exercise I did in a long time!
So It's a sour/sweet time tonight :) proud of my supper plans :) Not so happy about my appearance and it's hard to see everybody being so worried.
Ok So I'll try to work on this I suppose, I just don't wanna have a backtrack :(
We'll see how it goes :)
Ciao!
Monday, February 20, 2012
February 20, 2012
Hey
Gonna be a happy blog :) Welllll no ranting :P
Soooo I'm working on becoming less clingy, which has put me in a better mood drastically. Because now I'm not worrying 24/7 and i'm like ok the world's not ending, I can go one day with texting and still be ok!
Thats an improvement! Hmmm well tomorrow may or may not be a good day. Gonna find out if I do in fact have diabetes. Either outcome is gonna make me alittle sad. If I don't have it, then I have to figure out what to do with my diabetes tattoo -_- . If I do have it, then I have it...FML... heehe nah! oh well all I can do right?
Well got a trauma course thing on friday so I'll definitely post a pic of that! Also getting my CT results friday too. Funnnn!
Soooo I should shimmy this blog up and make it more colourful with rainbows and unicorns...ok maybe not that, but find out what html stuff and thingys are..like a hit counter? or Something glittery and interesting :)
Maybe I should do a like's and dislike's thingy, instead of doing this massive shamosed together paragraph. Although I quite enjoy my random scattered thoughts. Anyhow thought I'd enlighten this gloomy blog :)
Ok well this was ...interesting I suppose :)
Ciao chipmunks!
Gonna be a happy blog :) Welllll no ranting :P
Soooo I'm working on becoming less clingy, which has put me in a better mood drastically. Because now I'm not worrying 24/7 and i'm like ok the world's not ending, I can go one day with texting and still be ok!
Thats an improvement! Hmmm well tomorrow may or may not be a good day. Gonna find out if I do in fact have diabetes. Either outcome is gonna make me alittle sad. If I don't have it, then I have to figure out what to do with my diabetes tattoo -_- . If I do have it, then I have it...FML... heehe nah! oh well all I can do right?
Well got a trauma course thing on friday so I'll definitely post a pic of that! Also getting my CT results friday too. Funnnn!
Soooo I should shimmy this blog up and make it more colourful with rainbows and unicorns...ok maybe not that, but find out what html stuff and thingys are..like a hit counter? or Something glittery and interesting :)
Maybe I should do a like's and dislike's thingy, instead of doing this massive shamosed together paragraph. Although I quite enjoy my random scattered thoughts. Anyhow thought I'd enlighten this gloomy blog :)
Ok well this was ...interesting I suppose :)
Ciao chipmunks!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
February 18, 2012
Hey
So Cavelle's 19th party was yesterday :)
I really Did Not Want To Go. Because I knew that I would have a breakdown. And I did.
Start from the beginning I suppose. Hung out with Allie from 12:30-5 at the mall shopping and stuff, that was fine. Then me, her, Cavelle, and Julie went out to supper. That was good. Then me, allie, and julie got dropped off at my house to get ready..Still pretty decent. Until about 8:00, when julie left (to be with bf) But allie had a flippin breakdown because her bf wasn't going. So she laid down and called him to finally convince him to go. She did but it took forever. That was the start of a horrible night. Fasttt forward to limooo.
It was all good until someone threw a fit and threw a beer bottle and it smashed everywhere. Like everyone was pretty much drunk or stoned lol. But I was chillin' in the back with my gf so everything was best kind other then that incident. Then we went dt.
Well the majority of everyone went to Club V. One I wasn't paying 20 for cover, two...there was 3 bouncers and I was sure I would get I'd. So I left hoping to go to sirens. But allie ditched me and started talking to these random people. That wasn't a huge deal but when she cam over to me a few minutes later and was like " are you having a breakdown now? LOL" I lost it. I ditched her and walked to subway by myself, hoping maybe i'd get kidnapped or something along the way. But I got to subway, extremely upset. So I took out my finger pricker needle. And just started going at my hand with it, not making it noticeable, but I stopped because it started to bleed alittle more and then allie came in and I never wanted her to see what I did.
So it was friggin' obvious that I was upset but she didn't give a shit , her bf and some guy I just met tried to calm me down abit but it didn't work.
Then we all went to sirens from 1230ish to 230 in the morning. I made sure to let her know I was friggin pissed at her but the feeling wore off after I had one pornstar, one sour puss shot, 4 tequila shots, and then a redbull shot. Had the 4 tequila shots and redbull back to back from 2-230. Couldn't really be mad at anybody then. I felt completely numb, I got ditched by allie a few more times, walked with some random dude that prob wanted to take me home or something.
Anyways then I went home out of it. Interesting night. If only I had the bottle of advil, or I got beat up or jumped off Atlantic place or something, But I never.
Well no actual point to this blog as per say but to kinda remind myself what happened that night. And nor did I reveal all my feelings. Do I need too ? I wish I fell asleep and never woke up, but here I am. I never ate going to bed in hopes I would go low in my sleep and never wake up. That didn't work either.
Well anyhow blogger world i'm out for now!
See ya soon!
So Cavelle's 19th party was yesterday :)
I really Did Not Want To Go. Because I knew that I would have a breakdown. And I did.
Start from the beginning I suppose. Hung out with Allie from 12:30-5 at the mall shopping and stuff, that was fine. Then me, her, Cavelle, and Julie went out to supper. That was good. Then me, allie, and julie got dropped off at my house to get ready..Still pretty decent. Until about 8:00, when julie left (to be with bf) But allie had a flippin breakdown because her bf wasn't going. So she laid down and called him to finally convince him to go. She did but it took forever. That was the start of a horrible night. Fasttt forward to limooo.
It was all good until someone threw a fit and threw a beer bottle and it smashed everywhere. Like everyone was pretty much drunk or stoned lol. But I was chillin' in the back with my gf so everything was best kind other then that incident. Then we went dt.
Well the majority of everyone went to Club V. One I wasn't paying 20 for cover, two...there was 3 bouncers and I was sure I would get I'd. So I left hoping to go to sirens. But allie ditched me and started talking to these random people. That wasn't a huge deal but when she cam over to me a few minutes later and was like " are you having a breakdown now? LOL" I lost it. I ditched her and walked to subway by myself, hoping maybe i'd get kidnapped or something along the way. But I got to subway, extremely upset. So I took out my finger pricker needle. And just started going at my hand with it, not making it noticeable, but I stopped because it started to bleed alittle more and then allie came in and I never wanted her to see what I did.
So it was friggin' obvious that I was upset but she didn't give a shit , her bf and some guy I just met tried to calm me down abit but it didn't work.
Then we all went to sirens from 1230ish to 230 in the morning. I made sure to let her know I was friggin pissed at her but the feeling wore off after I had one pornstar, one sour puss shot, 4 tequila shots, and then a redbull shot. Had the 4 tequila shots and redbull back to back from 2-230. Couldn't really be mad at anybody then. I felt completely numb, I got ditched by allie a few more times, walked with some random dude that prob wanted to take me home or something.
Anyways then I went home out of it. Interesting night. If only I had the bottle of advil, or I got beat up or jumped off Atlantic place or something, But I never.
Well no actual point to this blog as per say but to kinda remind myself what happened that night. And nor did I reveal all my feelings. Do I need too ? I wish I fell asleep and never woke up, but here I am. I never ate going to bed in hopes I would go low in my sleep and never wake up. That didn't work either.
Well anyhow blogger world i'm out for now!
See ya soon!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
February 16, 2012
Hey
Another wonderful day for a rant. Maybe i'll mix some funny in to it to, see where the mood leads.
Ok Well being home alone 24/7 definitely does not help when your upset. Like I was going to try and scratch out my birthday on my i'd with a razor blade or something sharp and try to change it but the thought of the razor blade was to over whelming. So I've sat and thought about the blade, the bottles of advil mixed with whatever else I could find in the cupboard, and just running away. Like legit taking all the drugs I could and just run. Tempting but it's too cold therefore making me cold which would slow the absorption time. But if I ran and kept it up it would speed up the absorption which mean it would be out of my system faster. I learned something from nursing. If I did choose this route of drug overdose I wouldn't want my family finding me. I would at least give em that. I'd rather go somewhere where no one would ever find me and I would rot like I'm sure a lot of people would love to see happen.
I don't get people telling me that i'm special and so nice and stuff. When I know I'm not. All I do is talk about myself, I've tried stopping but it just seems my efforts aren't showing through. I try soooo hard to let the other person speak, because i'm truly interested in what their telling me but it's like I have to add my own opinion in there.
I've been hated since god knows when. School-age for sure. I've had people pick on me 24/7 in those years. Calling me the Indian, Pinocchio, and just flat out snickering. Every time I would turn my head they would pretend I poke them in the eyes with my nose. I hate talking about it. I can say i'm bullied about being an Indian but not about the nose thing. I'm always afraid of sitting next to someone side on or to even see anybody that has ever said this to me. It wasn't just like me and that person. It was these people saying this to the WHOLE class when the teacher stepped out. I hate my appearance, I think I'm an ugly cow. I don't see how any part of me is skinny. And it's so hard to try and accept peoples compliments, when I just want to tell them to shut up. All my moms friends used to say all the time how pretty I was, but like seriously they knew I had self esteem problems, so like why would they lie to me? I know I was friggin fat and ugly? Anyways I feel alittle better, or maybe it's just from listening to my sisters problems and not saying a word, I just let her rant.
Well hopefully my mood lightens up abit.
See ya !
Another wonderful day for a rant. Maybe i'll mix some funny in to it to, see where the mood leads.
Ok Well being home alone 24/7 definitely does not help when your upset. Like I was going to try and scratch out my birthday on my i'd with a razor blade or something sharp and try to change it but the thought of the razor blade was to over whelming. So I've sat and thought about the blade, the bottles of advil mixed with whatever else I could find in the cupboard, and just running away. Like legit taking all the drugs I could and just run. Tempting but it's too cold therefore making me cold which would slow the absorption time. But if I ran and kept it up it would speed up the absorption which mean it would be out of my system faster. I learned something from nursing. If I did choose this route of drug overdose I wouldn't want my family finding me. I would at least give em that. I'd rather go somewhere where no one would ever find me and I would rot like I'm sure a lot of people would love to see happen.
I don't get people telling me that i'm special and so nice and stuff. When I know I'm not. All I do is talk about myself, I've tried stopping but it just seems my efforts aren't showing through. I try soooo hard to let the other person speak, because i'm truly interested in what their telling me but it's like I have to add my own opinion in there.
I've been hated since god knows when. School-age for sure. I've had people pick on me 24/7 in those years. Calling me the Indian, Pinocchio, and just flat out snickering. Every time I would turn my head they would pretend I poke them in the eyes with my nose. I hate talking about it. I can say i'm bullied about being an Indian but not about the nose thing. I'm always afraid of sitting next to someone side on or to even see anybody that has ever said this to me. It wasn't just like me and that person. It was these people saying this to the WHOLE class when the teacher stepped out. I hate my appearance, I think I'm an ugly cow. I don't see how any part of me is skinny. And it's so hard to try and accept peoples compliments, when I just want to tell them to shut up. All my moms friends used to say all the time how pretty I was, but like seriously they knew I had self esteem problems, so like why would they lie to me? I know I was friggin fat and ugly? Anyways I feel alittle better, or maybe it's just from listening to my sisters problems and not saying a word, I just let her rant.
Well hopefully my mood lightens up abit.
See ya !
Monday, February 13, 2012
February 13, 2012
Hey
One day to valentines day! Exciting right?!
Truth I've never felt like crying more in my life. Not happy sad. Sad sad.
I put myself up to be hurt. Letting people in then getting hurt.
Like when I learn to try and trust people I become to involved and become attached...which I absolutely hate to do because it makes it that much harder to be let down.
Plus this past while I've haven't practiced what I preached. Which is to be proud to be a lesbian. I just can't I don't have the will in me to even let people I like know. It hurts because I have to pretend I'm straight and have this boyfriend.Which I don't, I'm suppose to have a Girlfriend.
Suppose to. Its crazy how much alike me are. But unfortunately in mostly negative ways. Like I get the being alone and not wanting to talk to people when I'm in a mood, because I've done it with bfs/gfs before. But I never truly really liked them. I really like this girl and I feel that the levels of feeling towards each other isn't mutual. Like there is special circumstances in place, obviously nobody is cookie cutted. But when I was uber upset ( like I am now) I really really wanted to talk to my girlfriend. She makes my day better when it's bad. This is crazy to say 2 weeks in ( today js). Like this past month/year Has been over-whelming and i've never thought about killing myself so much in my life. Me "joking" all week how I want to O.D on drugs and alcohol, yeah that wasn't a joke. Like I said before if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate. I don't care. I really fucking don't.
Well I suppose I'd give my rant another chance and see if it settles my mood a little bit. But I think I may need help. It's just I don't want it.
Well see ya!
One day to valentines day! Exciting right?!
Truth I've never felt like crying more in my life. Not happy sad. Sad sad.
I put myself up to be hurt. Letting people in then getting hurt.
Like when I learn to try and trust people I become to involved and become attached...which I absolutely hate to do because it makes it that much harder to be let down.
Plus this past while I've haven't practiced what I preached. Which is to be proud to be a lesbian. I just can't I don't have the will in me to even let people I like know. It hurts because I have to pretend I'm straight and have this boyfriend.Which I don't, I'm suppose to have a Girlfriend.
Suppose to. Its crazy how much alike me are. But unfortunately in mostly negative ways. Like I get the being alone and not wanting to talk to people when I'm in a mood, because I've done it with bfs/gfs before. But I never truly really liked them. I really like this girl and I feel that the levels of feeling towards each other isn't mutual. Like there is special circumstances in place, obviously nobody is cookie cutted. But when I was uber upset ( like I am now) I really really wanted to talk to my girlfriend. She makes my day better when it's bad. This is crazy to say 2 weeks in ( today js). Like this past month/year Has been over-whelming and i've never thought about killing myself so much in my life. Me "joking" all week how I want to O.D on drugs and alcohol, yeah that wasn't a joke. Like I said before if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate. I don't care. I really fucking don't.
Well I suppose I'd give my rant another chance and see if it settles my mood a little bit. But I think I may need help. It's just I don't want it.
Well see ya!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
February 11, 2012
Hey!
So this week i've discovered or re-discovered how stubborn and how much of a bad liar I am plus I just friggin love self diagnosing myself ...ok not really but it has but light to some problems.
Ok first off! Well I can say it a million times that I have a gf and in the right context I will tell everyone..But my high school prom date. I know he likes me..I don't like him. So he legit just called 2 minutes ago asking me to hang on Valentines day. Buttttt I'm booked up with my beautiful sexy girlfriend for the night. Simple right? Nope because he has no idea that I'm a lesbian. Soooo he has been making moves on me that i've simply flat out rejected, but he must think the only reasons a girl would hang with him would be for relationship material...Nope sorry Buddy. Well I won't be able to stay friends with him if this is going to be an interference with our supposed friendship. Not to be a bitch about the situation but I can't be around this behaviour..it drives me crazy...Crazy men....men are idiots.
Ok and on to the second topic! Self diagnosing. Well before I got my ass kicked out of nursing school we were learning about mental health so i picked up a few things. Now i'm sure med students think they have these crazy diseases and convince themselves they do have it from the symptoms but this is alittle different. I found out that I had "voices" in my head when I was younger. Not exactly voices but loud deafening screaming that would actually drive you. But I never knew this was abnormal I thought that I was being sooky and I kind of punished my self by yelling. But it wasn't actually me? Ok I prob lost anyone reading this. How I know this is the other day i was having a very low low day! And for the first time and I say in a couple years I had this intense yelling not actually yelling anything particular but just yelling. Anyways I recall one memory as a child where it was me as a little girl in the corner...seeing myself now but it felt like the whole room was becoming bigger and kind of smothering me with this yelling on top of it. Gibberish mostly. Anyhow Could be nothing or it could be something. Who knows! I don't want a one way ticket to the loonie bin ( not to be disrespectful).
Well thats my lil blurb for today! I'm sure they'll be another soon enough! :) Kinda my online diary, seeing I hate handwriting :D Well See ya ! ciao!
So this week i've discovered or re-discovered how stubborn and how much of a bad liar I am plus I just friggin love self diagnosing myself ...ok not really but it has but light to some problems.
Ok first off! Well I can say it a million times that I have a gf and in the right context I will tell everyone..But my high school prom date. I know he likes me..I don't like him. So he legit just called 2 minutes ago asking me to hang on Valentines day. Buttttt I'm booked up with my beautiful sexy girlfriend for the night. Simple right? Nope because he has no idea that I'm a lesbian. Soooo he has been making moves on me that i've simply flat out rejected, but he must think the only reasons a girl would hang with him would be for relationship material...Nope sorry Buddy. Well I won't be able to stay friends with him if this is going to be an interference with our supposed friendship. Not to be a bitch about the situation but I can't be around this behaviour..it drives me crazy...Crazy men....men are idiots.
Ok and on to the second topic! Self diagnosing. Well before I got my ass kicked out of nursing school we were learning about mental health so i picked up a few things. Now i'm sure med students think they have these crazy diseases and convince themselves they do have it from the symptoms but this is alittle different. I found out that I had "voices" in my head when I was younger. Not exactly voices but loud deafening screaming that would actually drive you. But I never knew this was abnormal I thought that I was being sooky and I kind of punished my self by yelling. But it wasn't actually me? Ok I prob lost anyone reading this. How I know this is the other day i was having a very low low day! And for the first time and I say in a couple years I had this intense yelling not actually yelling anything particular but just yelling. Anyways I recall one memory as a child where it was me as a little girl in the corner...seeing myself now but it felt like the whole room was becoming bigger and kind of smothering me with this yelling on top of it. Gibberish mostly. Anyhow Could be nothing or it could be something. Who knows! I don't want a one way ticket to the loonie bin ( not to be disrespectful).
Well thats my lil blurb for today! I'm sure they'll be another soon enough! :) Kinda my online diary, seeing I hate handwriting :D Well See ya ! ciao!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
February 8,2012
Hey
Well havin' one of those days again.
Went to the Family Doc and they said I definitely have diabetes and I do not have an ED. Way to confuse the hell outta me b'ys....I do I don't I do I don't.... Well anyways I'm down to 124lbs in about 3 weeks :) so I lost 4 lbs :).
Instead of feeling wonderful I feel like shit. Right now I feel like just punching the crap out of my stomach because I feel so fat. Like I feel that I look like i'm at least 180lbs. I could starve myself more than I have. But I'd rather have the cowards way out then die a slow death. Well either option at the moment is ok. I swear the day I gets my hand on a gun it's going right for my head. No thoughts about it. I could take drugs w/ drinks but I'm not smart enough to know which ones would react, plus we don't have very strong meds in the house, nor do I have access to any.
I should start calling this my suicide blog. Seeing that thats the main topic lately. I feel soo down, but I fight it...I'm fighting everyday, I work soo hard to try and find joy in my useless life. I feel like I'm trying to find an excuse for everything that is wrong with me... i come across as paranoid but really i'm just looking for one bad result to say that i'm not going to live..and then to refuse treatment...cowards way out.
Just like school, like seriously. Such a fuckin' dumbass to fail out....yeah yeah medical reasons....Thats an excuse. really...like i'm sure there are lots of people struggling with diseases or illnesses and they carry on. They don't quit because things got hard. I'm a quitter, useless piece of trash that everyone can walk over and kick around. One of these days that won't be the case anymore.
See ya, because i'll still be around.
Well havin' one of those days again.
Went to the Family Doc and they said I definitely have diabetes and I do not have an ED. Way to confuse the hell outta me b'ys....I do I don't I do I don't.... Well anyways I'm down to 124lbs in about 3 weeks :) so I lost 4 lbs :).
Instead of feeling wonderful I feel like shit. Right now I feel like just punching the crap out of my stomach because I feel so fat. Like I feel that I look like i'm at least 180lbs. I could starve myself more than I have. But I'd rather have the cowards way out then die a slow death. Well either option at the moment is ok. I swear the day I gets my hand on a gun it's going right for my head. No thoughts about it. I could take drugs w/ drinks but I'm not smart enough to know which ones would react, plus we don't have very strong meds in the house, nor do I have access to any.
I should start calling this my suicide blog. Seeing that thats the main topic lately. I feel soo down, but I fight it...I'm fighting everyday, I work soo hard to try and find joy in my useless life. I feel like I'm trying to find an excuse for everything that is wrong with me... i come across as paranoid but really i'm just looking for one bad result to say that i'm not going to live..and then to refuse treatment...cowards way out.
Just like school, like seriously. Such a fuckin' dumbass to fail out....yeah yeah medical reasons....Thats an excuse. really...like i'm sure there are lots of people struggling with diseases or illnesses and they carry on. They don't quit because things got hard. I'm a quitter, useless piece of trash that everyone can walk over and kick around. One of these days that won't be the case anymore.
See ya, because i'll still be around.
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