February 13, 2012

Hey
One day to valentines day! Exciting right?!
Truth I've never felt like crying more in my life. Not happy sad. Sad sad.
I put myself up to be hurt. Letting people in then getting hurt.
Like when I learn to try and trust people I become to involved and become attached...which I absolutely hate to do because it makes it that much harder to be let down.
Plus this past while I've haven't practiced what I preached. Which is to be proud to be a lesbian. I just can't I don't have the will in me to even let people I like know. It hurts because I have to pretend I'm straight and have this boyfriend.Which I don't, I'm suppose to have a Girlfriend.
Suppose to. Its crazy how much alike me are. But unfortunately in mostly negative ways. Like I get the being alone and not wanting to talk to people when I'm in a mood, because I've done it with bfs/gfs before. But I never truly really liked them. I really like this girl and I feel that the levels of feeling towards each other isn't mutual. Like there is special circumstances in place, obviously nobody is cookie cutted. But when I was uber upset ( like I am now) I really really wanted to talk to my girlfriend. She makes my day better when it's bad. This is crazy to say 2 weeks in ( today js).  Like this past month/year Has been over-whelming and i've never thought about killing myself so much in my life. Me "joking" all week how I want to O.D on drugs and alcohol, yeah that wasn't a joke. Like I said before if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate. I don't care. I really fucking don't.
Well I suppose I'd give my rant another chance and see if it settles my mood a little bit. But I think I may need help. It's just I don't want it.
Well see ya!