February 16, 2012

Hey
Another wonderful day for a rant. Maybe i'll mix some funny in to it to, see where the mood leads.
Ok Well being home alone 24/7 definitely does not help when your upset. Like I was going to try and scratch out my birthday on my i'd with a razor blade or something sharp and try to change it but the thought of the razor blade was to over whelming. So I've sat and thought about the blade, the bottles of advil mixed with whatever else I could find in the cupboard, and just running away. Like legit taking all the drugs I could and just run. Tempting but it's too cold therefore making me cold which would slow the absorption time. But if I ran and kept it up it would speed up the absorption which mean it would be out of my system faster. I learned something from nursing. If I did choose this route of drug overdose I wouldn't want my family finding me. I would at least give em that. I'd rather go somewhere where no one would ever find me and I would rot like I'm sure a lot of people would love to see happen.
I don't get people telling me that i'm special and so nice and stuff. When I know I'm not. All I do is talk about myself, I've tried stopping but it just seems my efforts aren't showing through. I try soooo hard to let the other person speak, because i'm truly interested in what their telling me but it's like I have to add my own opinion in there.
I've been hated since god knows when. School-age for sure. I've had people pick on me 24/7 in those years. Calling me the Indian, Pinocchio, and just flat out snickering. Every time I would turn my head they would pretend I poke them in the eyes with my nose. I hate talking about it. I can say i'm bullied about being an Indian but not about the nose thing. I'm always afraid of sitting next to someone side on or to even see anybody that has ever said this to me. It wasn't just like me and that person. It was these people saying this to the WHOLE  class when the teacher stepped out. I hate my appearance, I think I'm an ugly cow. I don't see how any part of me is skinny. And it's so hard to try and accept peoples compliments, when I just want to tell them to shut up. All my moms friends used to say all the time how pretty I was, but like seriously they knew I had self esteem problems, so like why would they lie to me? I know I was friggin fat and ugly? Anyways I feel alittle better, or maybe it's just from listening to my sisters problems and not saying a word, I just let her rant.
Well hopefully my mood lightens up abit.
See ya !