Saturday, December 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
November 28th, 2012
I really gotta stop drinking
I get so jealous and sooky.
I overreact and act a certain way so I don't come off like i'm overreacting?
I dont need people talking to me 24/7 but i like people to just be there and like MY friend is here and not even interested in speaking to me. She's all up into talking to my sisters friend's. I don't care who shes talking to. And this isn't about me and i'm not trying to make it about me so that's why i'm hid off in my room on this.
It's like im starting to feel suicidal so i'm writing it out. Really the only god damn thing stopping me is because my sister pretends she doesnt like anything or anyone but she trulys does and if I do anything she'll be soo broken and like I really have no purpose here. And i'm being such a coward staying here. I'm like oh ya I wanna die and yada yada but i'm not doing anything. Well I am but then even I don't feel I am. I wanna run away and like o.d and someone find me in the a.m but I want a solid plan so people know what happened and how it isnt their fault. I dont want false rumours sent around.
I could take alot of insulin right now and people would think i'm drunk and like leave me alone for a bit and then it would be too late. But my sisters friend died so i can't, it's christmas so i can't, it's my sister's bday I can't, it's easter I can't it's a god damn fucking occasion every time and I can't be remembered as the one who ruined such a holiday. one day people will forget me or just get so fed up but it'll happen way before that. Soon actually. Maybe the one year? Maybe in feb. who knows. I know I don't. I'm just a crazy drunk. A fuck up. A nobody.
I'm done talking. it's not happening now but I heard the perfect quote today. "The one's who are depressed are always the happiest ones"
Ciao
I get so jealous and sooky.
I overreact and act a certain way so I don't come off like i'm overreacting?
I dont need people talking to me 24/7 but i like people to just be there and like MY friend is here and not even interested in speaking to me. She's all up into talking to my sisters friend's. I don't care who shes talking to. And this isn't about me and i'm not trying to make it about me so that's why i'm hid off in my room on this.
It's like im starting to feel suicidal so i'm writing it out. Really the only god damn thing stopping me is because my sister pretends she doesnt like anything or anyone but she trulys does and if I do anything she'll be soo broken and like I really have no purpose here. And i'm being such a coward staying here. I'm like oh ya I wanna die and yada yada but i'm not doing anything. Well I am but then even I don't feel I am. I wanna run away and like o.d and someone find me in the a.m but I want a solid plan so people know what happened and how it isnt their fault. I dont want false rumours sent around.
I could take alot of insulin right now and people would think i'm drunk and like leave me alone for a bit and then it would be too late. But my sisters friend died so i can't, it's christmas so i can't, it's my sister's bday I can't, it's easter I can't it's a god damn fucking occasion every time and I can't be remembered as the one who ruined such a holiday. one day people will forget me or just get so fed up but it'll happen way before that. Soon actually. Maybe the one year? Maybe in feb. who knows. I know I don't. I'm just a crazy drunk. A fuck up. A nobody.
I'm done talking. it's not happening now but I heard the perfect quote today. "The one's who are depressed are always the happiest ones"
Ciao
Monday, November 12, 2012
Nov 13 , 2012
Hey
Over and over again...blahhh all this high sugared stuff is starting to mess with my head again
I'm in a rant, not a long one.
Belly button peircing is flipping swollen and purple, like dark purple and bloody looking. Gonna get it looked at i suppose its not coming out though. Maybe it's the weight gain and the rolls are suffocating the piercing.
I've been better.
Pushing people away and doing what I want to do, fuck relationships sort of. I'm only saying this because I can't find one!
Maybe it's the booze talking.... this should be a blogging rule...no blogging while intoxicated!!! hahaha ONE white russian one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways off again!
To watch some american horror story!
Ciaoo
Over and over again...blahhh all this high sugared stuff is starting to mess with my head again
I'm in a rant, not a long one.
Belly button peircing is flipping swollen and purple, like dark purple and bloody looking. Gonna get it looked at i suppose its not coming out though. Maybe it's the weight gain and the rolls are suffocating the piercing.
I've been better.
Pushing people away and doing what I want to do, fuck relationships sort of. I'm only saying this because I can't find one!
Maybe it's the booze talking.... this should be a blogging rule...no blogging while intoxicated!!! hahaha ONE white russian one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways off again!
To watch some american horror story!
Ciaoo
Friday, October 5, 2012
Oct. 5 , 2012
Karma is a fucking bitch. I got what was coming to me. But I deserve to get soo much worse. Everybody left me dt. Kind of a replay of about 8 months ago. Except this time I couldnt cut. Mom stayed there for me. She tried so hard to calm me down. Doesn't she know that I'm a monster? I use people i'm a fake. I hurt people all the time why? Because they did it first? That just makes me 10 times worse. I feeel so horrible and emotionless despite the fact I bawled myself to sleep. Like seriously I need to grow the fuck up nobody bawls from being left alone dt what an idiot I am.
I feel wonderful now. Not. I ate so much sugar and chips and alcohol today and I purposely didnt take insulin. Again i'm only hurting myself.
Ciao
I feel wonderful now. Not. I ate so much sugar and chips and alcohol today and I purposely didnt take insulin. Again i'm only hurting myself.
Ciao
Friday, September 28, 2012
Sept. 27, 2012
Hey
I'm just soo bitchy lately.
And It's horrible.
I try and find a way to make the horrible things I say seem ok.
I'm honestly not out to hurt anyone. I care alot about people. Even people I don't like. When I pick fights with people yes it's because you've annoyed me but i'm letting you know you did. I hate it because it seems soo wrong.
Ok so Rebecca. She is a nice girl she deeply loves the people around her and has grown attached to me. I don't feel the same. I was fine at the beginning having someone to want to hang out with me but then it was turning into all the time every second. Honestly I can not handle that. I can't. My mind has twisted and morphed everything she does into bad. Maybe it is. I don't know her all that well. But My mind has came to the conclusion that she is a liar, she is out to hurt me, She gets what she wants, shes possessive, and that I'm being trapped. I cannot. Cannot unchange this. It's like my mind only wants to reveal the bad. Shes done good things but it's bad. I've tried soo hard to break it down and tell her point blank how I feel. And I have. But it's like its jibberish and she don't want to hear it. She refuses to. No matter what happens i'm getting screwed. I really don't want to hurt her feelings and do what h.b did to me and just be like yeah forget about me. It has to happen but I can't. I care if shes hurt. I don't enjoy hurting people. I've said over and over that I am free and I don't like being tied down nor will I give in to being grounded. But Ya know what. I'm done. I was done a long time ago. Right now looking back if I was a therapist or psych I wouldn't take my words seriously. Because I've said this for months.I'm not lying. Nor do I think I shouldn't be taken seriously but that's how I feel other people perceive me. I cut for relief. I do it so little because it hurts other people! I bottle stuff up. I let most of it out when I can but like I don't know. I actually think I need help. I'm trying to seek it. I want to overdose on everything I can find. But I know the consequences of some of it and it's not 100%. I need that 100%. I need it to work. I don't want to get caught. and yet I do. I need someone to catch me.
I've gone off tangent once again.
None of this makes any sense. It just doesn't. I'm mad and frustrated.
Byee
I'm just soo bitchy lately.
And It's horrible.
I try and find a way to make the horrible things I say seem ok.
I'm honestly not out to hurt anyone. I care alot about people. Even people I don't like. When I pick fights with people yes it's because you've annoyed me but i'm letting you know you did. I hate it because it seems soo wrong.
Ok so Rebecca. She is a nice girl she deeply loves the people around her and has grown attached to me. I don't feel the same. I was fine at the beginning having someone to want to hang out with me but then it was turning into all the time every second. Honestly I can not handle that. I can't. My mind has twisted and morphed everything she does into bad. Maybe it is. I don't know her all that well. But My mind has came to the conclusion that she is a liar, she is out to hurt me, She gets what she wants, shes possessive, and that I'm being trapped. I cannot. Cannot unchange this. It's like my mind only wants to reveal the bad. Shes done good things but it's bad. I've tried soo hard to break it down and tell her point blank how I feel. And I have. But it's like its jibberish and she don't want to hear it. She refuses to. No matter what happens i'm getting screwed. I really don't want to hurt her feelings and do what h.b did to me and just be like yeah forget about me. It has to happen but I can't. I care if shes hurt. I don't enjoy hurting people. I've said over and over that I am free and I don't like being tied down nor will I give in to being grounded. But Ya know what. I'm done. I was done a long time ago. Right now looking back if I was a therapist or psych I wouldn't take my words seriously. Because I've said this for months.I'm not lying. Nor do I think I shouldn't be taken seriously but that's how I feel other people perceive me. I cut for relief. I do it so little because it hurts other people! I bottle stuff up. I let most of it out when I can but like I don't know. I actually think I need help. I'm trying to seek it. I want to overdose on everything I can find. But I know the consequences of some of it and it's not 100%. I need that 100%. I need it to work. I don't want to get caught. and yet I do. I need someone to catch me.
I've gone off tangent once again.
None of this makes any sense. It just doesn't. I'm mad and frustrated.
Byee
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Sept 12/13 , 2012 :P
Hey
Ok it's 12:09am on Thursday the 13th but whatever :P It's still Wed.
Well I've debating on and off for the past few days to write. I've been sorta busy...ish But I've been in a horrible mood. So I tried to wait and see if i'd calm down a bit before I WHAM! Just totally flip out after almost two weeks of not saying anything.
Unfortunately I have nothing nice to say. But I'm not taking Thumpers approach and " Don't say nothing at all". Because this is MY zone where I can say whatever I feel like saying whenever I feel like saying it! Booyah! Whew! Ok now actually on to something instead of me skipping around things.
I am truly and utterly pissed off. At just about everything actually. I'm become such a vile and horrible person. I can't stand the sight of myself sometimes. I'm so...so Fake! I don't know who I am anymore. I went from pouring everything I had out of me, to bottling and shoving everything back in and hiding it. I've heard that I'm nice, and pleasant and always happy. I'm not :( I'm really not.
I've hurt people recently. I know I have. And it's like I do and I don't. Like I want to meet someone that I will fall in love with so I'm just giving everyone a chance and pretty much just crushing them because i'm not really interested in anything. Even though I've completely come clean to these people when I've first came in contact with them and said this but it's like I know it's bad and wrong and like let me give you senario... I tell you straight up that I'm going to punch you in the face. Does that make it ok because I warned you in advance? NO! But that's exactly what i'm doing. And like there is no one to blame but myself. I'm just fucked up. Like I see people and they're like oh well that's understandable because so-and-so did this.. NO! People hurt others everyday and crush them everyday and it's not right but it's a revolving circle. Nothing is right. I can't blame my parents for my upbringing. Nor can I hurt people's feeling's and be like well I had a
rough childhood, So what? Nor can I do it for no reason. I'm not quite sure what i'm getting at. Well I do. Ok re-phrase i'm not sure how this is coming across because everything can be taken in another way then what it is intended to be taken.
Why does everything have to be so god damn unclear for me right now? I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I know I need help but I don't know what for. I don't know what to ask for. I don't wanna have these rights if i'm clearly killing myself day to day. I want to be locked up with the rest of the monsters in the world. I fear i'm a threat to myself and everyone else. I should clarify. I'm not planning on hurting a particular person or anyone. I'm not a murderer. BUT I think I should be locked away with the rest of these horrible/not so horrible people. Depends how you take it. Ok there is no way to even explain what I mean by that statement. It's just how I feel. I don't know why I really don't. I really think i'm that horrible and that bad that I should be categorized like that. Nor am I saying that people who are similar to me should be in the same situation... I don't know, i'm just digging a hole for myself right now metaphorically. These words are meaningless unless I my can figure out the message underneath.
I guess it's because of the way I think and what I say and...how it affects others.. People don't need that.
I wish they could lock me up against my will and make me better against my will because i'm never going to seek that kind of help willingly. And eventually i'm going to die. And i'm not scared. I'm here because others want me here. I really really wish my rights can be taken away by the doctors. ask me tomorrow and I'll prob be like hell no! No one is changing my lifestyle. And that's my problem. I'm aware of my problems but completely oblivious to them also.
Anyhow this is all a result from the letter I've received about my appt with the Terrace clinic. I was on a 4 month waiting list just for an appt. I don't know I really don't. I just wannna fucking drink and curse my god damn head off. It prob won't help any but what odds!
Ciao!
Ok it's 12:09am on Thursday the 13th but whatever :P It's still Wed.
Well I've debating on and off for the past few days to write. I've been sorta busy...ish But I've been in a horrible mood. So I tried to wait and see if i'd calm down a bit before I WHAM! Just totally flip out after almost two weeks of not saying anything.
Unfortunately I have nothing nice to say. But I'm not taking Thumpers approach and " Don't say nothing at all". Because this is MY zone where I can say whatever I feel like saying whenever I feel like saying it! Booyah! Whew! Ok now actually on to something instead of me skipping around things.
I am truly and utterly pissed off. At just about everything actually. I'm become such a vile and horrible person. I can't stand the sight of myself sometimes. I'm so...so Fake! I don't know who I am anymore. I went from pouring everything I had out of me, to bottling and shoving everything back in and hiding it. I've heard that I'm nice, and pleasant and always happy. I'm not :( I'm really not.
I've hurt people recently. I know I have. And it's like I do and I don't. Like I want to meet someone that I will fall in love with so I'm just giving everyone a chance and pretty much just crushing them because i'm not really interested in anything. Even though I've completely come clean to these people when I've first came in contact with them and said this but it's like I know it's bad and wrong and like let me give you senario... I tell you straight up that I'm going to punch you in the face. Does that make it ok because I warned you in advance? NO! But that's exactly what i'm doing. And like there is no one to blame but myself. I'm just fucked up. Like I see people and they're like oh well that's understandable because so-and-so did this.. NO! People hurt others everyday and crush them everyday and it's not right but it's a revolving circle. Nothing is right. I can't blame my parents for my upbringing. Nor can I hurt people's feeling's and be like well I had a
rough childhood, So what? Nor can I do it for no reason. I'm not quite sure what i'm getting at. Well I do. Ok re-phrase i'm not sure how this is coming across because everything can be taken in another way then what it is intended to be taken.
Why does everything have to be so god damn unclear for me right now? I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I know I need help but I don't know what for. I don't know what to ask for. I don't wanna have these rights if i'm clearly killing myself day to day. I want to be locked up with the rest of the monsters in the world. I fear i'm a threat to myself and everyone else. I should clarify. I'm not planning on hurting a particular person or anyone. I'm not a murderer. BUT I think I should be locked away with the rest of these horrible/not so horrible people. Depends how you take it. Ok there is no way to even explain what I mean by that statement. It's just how I feel. I don't know why I really don't. I really think i'm that horrible and that bad that I should be categorized like that. Nor am I saying that people who are similar to me should be in the same situation... I don't know, i'm just digging a hole for myself right now metaphorically. These words are meaningless unless I my can figure out the message underneath.
I guess it's because of the way I think and what I say and...how it affects others.. People don't need that.
I wish they could lock me up against my will and make me better against my will because i'm never going to seek that kind of help willingly. And eventually i'm going to die. And i'm not scared. I'm here because others want me here. I really really wish my rights can be taken away by the doctors. ask me tomorrow and I'll prob be like hell no! No one is changing my lifestyle. And that's my problem. I'm aware of my problems but completely oblivious to them also.
Anyhow this is all a result from the letter I've received about my appt with the Terrace clinic. I was on a 4 month waiting list just for an appt. I don't know I really don't. I just wannna fucking drink and curse my god damn head off. It prob won't help any but what odds!
Ciao!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Unhappy day
Damn fucking sugars. I try so hard. so hard and I get so emotional and I have no outlet. I've relied on people too much and i've pushed the rest away and like these high sugars are making me over analyze. I've had three major high's in the past two days. 26, 22, and 20 :(
I swear to god i'mma stop eating until my sugars cooperate with me. I could stand to lose a few lbs. Why can't I be happy. :"(
I swear to god i'mma stop eating until my sugars cooperate with me. I could stand to lose a few lbs. Why can't I be happy. :"(
Friday, August 24, 2012
Aug. 28, 2012
Hey :)
Soooo I have a laptop :)
Which means between my busy days and free time I can post more...(yay!!!!)
I've been legit loosin my shit at everyone lately and I need an outlet. Seeing that everyone is pretty much sick of my shit but ya know whatever i'm really trying.
Anyways hmmm.
I suppose i'll start off by wishing a happy birthday to someone :) Even though it was a few days ago...I thought it may have come across stalkerish or whatever but I have nothing to lose :) Sooo yeah!
Hmmm well yeah right now i'm pretty much going through all my sites and saving my passwords and stuff hahaah hard stuff :P It's like starting from scratch ! but I have to say I like this computerish :P
Anyhowww I'm off to do just that and i'll prob write something tomorrow or the next!
Ciaoo
Soooo I have a laptop :)
Which means between my busy days and free time I can post more...(yay!!!!)
I've been legit loosin my shit at everyone lately and I need an outlet. Seeing that everyone is pretty much sick of my shit but ya know whatever i'm really trying.
Anyways hmmm.
I suppose i'll start off by wishing a happy birthday to someone :) Even though it was a few days ago...I thought it may have come across stalkerish or whatever but I have nothing to lose :) Sooo yeah!
Hmmm well yeah right now i'm pretty much going through all my sites and saving my passwords and stuff hahaah hard stuff :P It's like starting from scratch ! but I have to say I like this computerish :P
Anyhowww I'm off to do just that and i'll prob write something tomorrow or the next!
Ciaoo
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Aug 18
Hey
Wooo what a busy month!
Ive been soo busy that I've had no time for anything other than work and sleep.
Legit these two jobs are tiring hehe! I work 9-4 at one and 5-11at the other almost every single day!
Surprisingly I've gained 10 lbs. Everyone says how good I look and what odds. I personally have that voice keep saying that i'm not. I've gotten stronger lately, or maybe i'm so numbed out that I think I am. Whatever the reason i'm good :) I keep reliving the past and ya know what? everything in the past can stay there.
Hmm anyways I dont wanna focus on the negativee. I always do and i'm well aware of my delusional thoughts and wrong ways of thinking. I know. I think if terrace calls I'll consider if I can get someone I click with. Now as toward the nursing... I dont think I can. I'm too weak and indecisive to go back but who knows lol
O Oooooo! I'm a blondie now! hehehe I likes it but I think I prefer my brown. :)
I'm so tired and worn out to type anything long today but I wanted a check in to prove im still alive :P Still kicking heheh
Anyways off to watch some skins!
Ciao!
Wooo what a busy month!
Ive been soo busy that I've had no time for anything other than work and sleep.
Legit these two jobs are tiring hehe! I work 9-4 at one and 5-11at the other almost every single day!
Surprisingly I've gained 10 lbs. Everyone says how good I look and what odds. I personally have that voice keep saying that i'm not. I've gotten stronger lately, or maybe i'm so numbed out that I think I am. Whatever the reason i'm good :) I keep reliving the past and ya know what? everything in the past can stay there.
Hmm anyways I dont wanna focus on the negativee. I always do and i'm well aware of my delusional thoughts and wrong ways of thinking. I know. I think if terrace calls I'll consider if I can get someone I click with. Now as toward the nursing... I dont think I can. I'm too weak and indecisive to go back but who knows lol
O Oooooo! I'm a blondie now! hehehe I likes it but I think I prefer my brown. :)
I'm so tired and worn out to type anything long today but I wanted a check in to prove im still alive :P Still kicking heheh
Anyways off to watch some skins!
Ciao!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
July 28, 2012
Hey.
Long time since I posted. Well things arent the greatest.
It's like i'm falling back into the same thing all over again, I feel soo shitty.
I ate so much food, but I never. And like I feel so fat ..that I am.And I feel so worthless but yet I know i'm not. I feel that no one is there and that is partly true because people think they can help me and listen but they can't because even though I go into the smallest details it still seems to be too much. I find i'm complaining. Which I always do and like I feel that everyone is afraid to say the truth afraid that it will push me over the edge and like thats sad. Why would people do that? I'm a bitch plain and simple. I know i've always have been and I know I am now. I'm perfectly aware of all my flaws and what needs to be changed. I'm always changing. I'm not the exact same person I was two months ago or even the same person from two years ago. I'm still "me" but i've learned to experience and learn. And that right there has caused me to find way to numb out the pain and try to eliminate the negativity coming towards me but in return it's being letout through me and onto the people that like me or love me.
I though I was getting better, eating, gaining weight, having two steady jobs, being busy,seeing friends.But i'm not. I've learned to hide it so well i'm fooling myself. I had myself so confused of whats right and wrong I only know what I choose to know, what I mean there is I'm very oblivious to being told anything otherwise of what i think I already know.
The thoughts are emerging again and the pain to be eating again is arising and the need to throw up is coming back. I'm just an overall horrible person. and people really don't need me in their lives. Thats the only nice thing I can really say about myself is that I do care about others even though I don't show it.
I don't wanna hurt julie, daniel, cavelle, allie, alison, katy, my family.
And I really didn't mean to hurt everyone I have like ryan, chris, and hannah and the numerous others But I have and i'm sorry!
Anyways this ain't nothing serious. Just a blog , just a post about another bad day. Another bad week...month...so on
Am I ok? Not really.
Do I need help? Yeah maybe but I've sought it and never got it.
But I will be back and right now i'm not going anywhere. Not today anyhow.
-Melissa
Long time since I posted. Well things arent the greatest.
It's like i'm falling back into the same thing all over again, I feel soo shitty.
I ate so much food, but I never. And like I feel so fat ..that I am.And I feel so worthless but yet I know i'm not. I feel that no one is there and that is partly true because people think they can help me and listen but they can't because even though I go into the smallest details it still seems to be too much. I find i'm complaining. Which I always do and like I feel that everyone is afraid to say the truth afraid that it will push me over the edge and like thats sad. Why would people do that? I'm a bitch plain and simple. I know i've always have been and I know I am now. I'm perfectly aware of all my flaws and what needs to be changed. I'm always changing. I'm not the exact same person I was two months ago or even the same person from two years ago. I'm still "me" but i've learned to experience and learn. And that right there has caused me to find way to numb out the pain and try to eliminate the negativity coming towards me but in return it's being letout through me and onto the people that like me or love me.
I though I was getting better, eating, gaining weight, having two steady jobs, being busy,seeing friends.But i'm not. I've learned to hide it so well i'm fooling myself. I had myself so confused of whats right and wrong I only know what I choose to know, what I mean there is I'm very oblivious to being told anything otherwise of what i think I already know.
The thoughts are emerging again and the pain to be eating again is arising and the need to throw up is coming back. I'm just an overall horrible person. and people really don't need me in their lives. Thats the only nice thing I can really say about myself is that I do care about others even though I don't show it.
I don't wanna hurt julie, daniel, cavelle, allie, alison, katy, my family.
And I really didn't mean to hurt everyone I have like ryan, chris, and hannah and the numerous others But I have and i'm sorry!
Anyways this ain't nothing serious. Just a blog , just a post about another bad day. Another bad week...month...so on
Am I ok? Not really.
Do I need help? Yeah maybe but I've sought it and never got it.
But I will be back and right now i'm not going anywhere. Not today anyhow.
-Melissa
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
July 4th, 2012
Hey!
Sooo I was browsin the net while my sister is gone because like I said mydamn computer charger broke so i'm borrowing her lovely pain in the ass laptop :) <33
Anyways quickk tid bit!
A girl I was dancing with on Halloween of '11 messaged me on pof! We had a time and dirty danced and everything. I never did catch her name but we just crossed paths again :) So it's nice to hear from her and that she actually remembered me! I kind of liked her friend too but I found her on facebook later and she was like 30 .. A tad oldish for me :P my crush shall remain a crush! But hopefully this reconnectionwill turn into something :) a new friend :).
Welll tomorrow i'm working from 9am -2 at one job and5-11pm at another. god help me plus I have a docs appt at3 Wahhhhh I'm soo busy but I fucking love it <3 Haha I just hate working on beautiful days! But i'll have my share of sun in toronto! Leaving in 6days woooooo!
Anyway that was my lil update! Now i'm off to drink diet cranberry and lambs by myself while watching rizzoli and isles <3 damn those girls! Woo! anyways!
Ciao!
Sooo I was browsin the net while my sister is gone because like I said mydamn computer charger broke so i'm borrowing her lovely pain in the ass laptop :) <33
Anyways quickk tid bit!
A girl I was dancing with on Halloween of '11 messaged me on pof! We had a time and dirty danced and everything. I never did catch her name but we just crossed paths again :) So it's nice to hear from her and that she actually remembered me! I kind of liked her friend too but I found her on facebook later and she was like 30 .. A tad oldish for me :P my crush shall remain a crush! But hopefully this reconnectionwill turn into something :) a new friend :).
Welll tomorrow i'm working from 9am -2 at one job and5-11pm at another. god help me plus I have a docs appt at3 Wahhhhh I'm soo busy but I fucking love it <3 Haha I just hate working on beautiful days! But i'll have my share of sun in toronto! Leaving in 6days woooooo!
Anyway that was my lil update! Now i'm off to drink diet cranberry and lambs by myself while watching rizzoli and isles <3 damn those girls! Woo! anyways!
Ciao!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
July 1, 2012
Happy Canada day :)
What a bad day i'm having!
Well i'm just so hot headed right now like I don't wanna do anything, trying to lighten up abit for tonight.
I shall reveal my main issue of my madness. I gained weight. I was fine with going along wth people and saying ok i'll eat and stuff that was fine BUT! I'm 131lbs currently. I was fine being under 130lbs and I feel very large right now. I don't feel cmfortable in my skin. Not that I ever had but like I feeel gross and fat and theres fat everywhere.
I feell that me wearing a bikini will be completely appauling to people around me and like I don't want to make people sick on their vacay by looking at a fat girl in a bikini. Right? it's just wrong.
Sooo i'm giving up ice cream. I'm completely stopping eating it until at least 'm back from toronto. I can't just say oh i'll have alittle bit no. It has to be 100% gone. So unfortunately me being lazy and gaining weight has caused this so I have to deal with the consequences.
Other than that Ihave the eating disorder coming back full swing. So i'm telling myself to not eat. Becauseeeeeright now what i've been doing was eating everytime I could so I wouldnt feeel hungry. I haven't felt a hunger pain in at least 2-3 weeks and I need to feel it. I want food but I don't need it. so i'll eat again now when I feel starving :) I ate fries at like 1 today and havent had anything since but like i'm sre i'll end up eating something later LOL guarentee.
Oh and Bo had a seizure today,broke my heart. We were out and about to getziggys fries and he just lied down and couldn't move and he was trying so hard to get in my arms so I could hold him :( And these two nice young lads came oveer and ran to tims and got him water and rubbed it all over his face and body :) He finally snapped out of it and it made me sooo happy to see people to come to our help to help bo :) And we seen them around and they poped over to see how he was doing, god love em! poor babes is tuckered right out now! hahah
Anddddd another thing! 9 days till I head off the island! Sooo excited! toronto here I come! Going to be fun :) Going to miss bo and penelope and pashimina! Hope I don't freak out too much :P Going to be hitting the extreme rides, maybe some bunge jumping? Yeah budddyy!
Well i'm all calmed down now :) Sweatin' but calm ok tmi but whatever I shall lay down no limits to my rants!
I'll try and post here bit more this coming week before I heads off!
Ciao!!!!!!!
What a bad day i'm having!
Well i'm just so hot headed right now like I don't wanna do anything, trying to lighten up abit for tonight.
I shall reveal my main issue of my madness. I gained weight. I was fine with going along wth people and saying ok i'll eat and stuff that was fine BUT! I'm 131lbs currently. I was fine being under 130lbs and I feel very large right now. I don't feel cmfortable in my skin. Not that I ever had but like I feeel gross and fat and theres fat everywhere.
I feell that me wearing a bikini will be completely appauling to people around me and like I don't want to make people sick on their vacay by looking at a fat girl in a bikini. Right? it's just wrong.
Sooo i'm giving up ice cream. I'm completely stopping eating it until at least 'm back from toronto. I can't just say oh i'll have alittle bit no. It has to be 100% gone. So unfortunately me being lazy and gaining weight has caused this so I have to deal with the consequences.
Other than that Ihave the eating disorder coming back full swing. So i'm telling myself to not eat. Becauseeeeeright now what i've been doing was eating everytime I could so I wouldnt feeel hungry. I haven't felt a hunger pain in at least 2-3 weeks and I need to feel it. I want food but I don't need it. so i'll eat again now when I feel starving :) I ate fries at like 1 today and havent had anything since but like i'm sre i'll end up eating something later LOL guarentee.
Oh and Bo had a seizure today,broke my heart. We were out and about to getziggys fries and he just lied down and couldn't move and he was trying so hard to get in my arms so I could hold him :( And these two nice young lads came oveer and ran to tims and got him water and rubbed it all over his face and body :) He finally snapped out of it and it made me sooo happy to see people to come to our help to help bo :) And we seen them around and they poped over to see how he was doing, god love em! poor babes is tuckered right out now! hahah
Anddddd another thing! 9 days till I head off the island! Sooo excited! toronto here I come! Going to be fun :) Going to miss bo and penelope and pashimina! Hope I don't freak out too much :P Going to be hitting the extreme rides, maybe some bunge jumping? Yeah budddyy!
Well i'm all calmed down now :) Sweatin' but calm ok tmi but whatever I shall lay down no limits to my rants!
I'll try and post here bit more this coming week before I heads off!
Ciao!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
June 27, 2012
Hey!
2 weeks without a word! sowwwwie!
Haha my damn computer charger is being disfunctional so therefore i haven't been on here :(
I have been like 75% better which is pretty damn amazing :) not 100% obv but i'm getting there.
The model show helped me threw so many fears...the whole event of it all before and during!
My shyness, my immatureness lol and like I proved to myself that I am stronger :)
I went 2 weeks w/o diet pop and I feel decent:)
andddddd I think i'm ready to give a new relationship another shot :)
This is so all over the place but like i dont feel like that. just trying to give a quick update on everything :) I am ok! I am working on everything :) I have been and my hard work is showing :)
Anyways off to my busy life of work and buss and work and relaxing and sleep LOL woo!
I'm going to try and get updates to my celly :) Then my blog will be with me like a diary!
Ciao!
2 weeks without a word! sowwwwie!
Haha my damn computer charger is being disfunctional so therefore i haven't been on here :(
I have been like 75% better which is pretty damn amazing :) not 100% obv but i'm getting there.
The model show helped me threw so many fears...the whole event of it all before and during!
My shyness, my immatureness lol and like I proved to myself that I am stronger :)
I went 2 weeks w/o diet pop and I feel decent:)
andddddd I think i'm ready to give a new relationship another shot :)
This is so all over the place but like i dont feel like that. just trying to give a quick update on everything :) I am ok! I am working on everything :) I have been and my hard work is showing :)
Anyways off to my busy life of work and buss and work and relaxing and sleep LOL woo!
I'm going to try and get updates to my celly :) Then my blog will be with me like a diary!
Ciao!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
June 16 ,2012
I feel so calm right now.
Functioning on a full 2 hours of unbroken sleep from drinking all night and sleeping 2-3 times and I feel calm.
And like why the hell did I cut or do those things to myself. When i think about it now its silly. I am tiny. ish
Ok still not there but like I wont become small at any expense. My main focus was to become beautiful and have a perfect body.
To be flawless. Not to purge and binge and do all this horrible stuff to myself to get there.
I seen this video of this kid and it just made me smile. I normally don't post videos or photos here but what odds. I like it and I can do whatever I want :)
A message to girls everywhere :)
Functioning on a full 2 hours of unbroken sleep from drinking all night and sleeping 2-3 times and I feel calm.
And like why the hell did I cut or do those things to myself. When i think about it now its silly. I am tiny. ish
Ok still not there but like I wont become small at any expense. My main focus was to become beautiful and have a perfect body.
To be flawless. Not to purge and binge and do all this horrible stuff to myself to get there.
I seen this video of this kid and it just made me smile. I normally don't post videos or photos here but what odds. I like it and I can do whatever I want :)
A message to girls everywhere :)
Friday, June 15, 2012
June 15, 2012
Hey,
What a horrible horrible 2 days. I haven't cried in like 3 or 4 months and did it ever hit me. I cannot stop crying. I look in the mirror and see how fucking fat I am. My legs are enormous and I cried. I seen pictures at my lowest weight I cried. I thought about the model show I cried because I quit it.
I did practice yesterday and it didn't go well. I had a meltdown for no particular reason but I got up and left. I felt to huge being around alll these skinny models. And them saying I was small and skinny triggered me big time. Fucking liars. You just want me to go in the show so you have people. Or maybe to make yourselves look better. Because i'm so awkward and stuff when I walk and it looks bad.
Anyways i'm getting shit-faced tonight.
I'm calmed down for abit now. I cut and hit myself with various objects and i'm good. It helped for abit but now i'm good for the time being.
My eyes are stinging from crying myself to sleep and crying since I woke up.
I never purged though! I binged and I always have but like I was lying to myself because thats how I eat and I dont want that taken from me. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.
O and! I haven't drank any diet pop in 2 days! I've only drank water and like 1/2 cup of soy :)
I'm soo tired right now. I have music blasting so I dont think anymore because i'm like a leaking dam.
Ciao
What a horrible horrible 2 days. I haven't cried in like 3 or 4 months and did it ever hit me. I cannot stop crying. I look in the mirror and see how fucking fat I am. My legs are enormous and I cried. I seen pictures at my lowest weight I cried. I thought about the model show I cried because I quit it.
I did practice yesterday and it didn't go well. I had a meltdown for no particular reason but I got up and left. I felt to huge being around alll these skinny models. And them saying I was small and skinny triggered me big time. Fucking liars. You just want me to go in the show so you have people. Or maybe to make yourselves look better. Because i'm so awkward and stuff when I walk and it looks bad.
Anyways i'm getting shit-faced tonight.
I'm calmed down for abit now. I cut and hit myself with various objects and i'm good. It helped for abit but now i'm good for the time being.
My eyes are stinging from crying myself to sleep and crying since I woke up.
I never purged though! I binged and I always have but like I was lying to myself because thats how I eat and I dont want that taken from me. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.
O and! I haven't drank any diet pop in 2 days! I've only drank water and like 1/2 cup of soy :)
I'm soo tired right now. I have music blasting so I dont think anymore because i'm like a leaking dam.
Ciao
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
June 13, 2012
Hey!
So I'm deciding to put what i'm going to be doing for the next month in writing.
I'm going to lose the weight again. Back to 120 lbs and I promise I'll chill there for the summer. Right now i'm currently at 129.1 lbs I have completely let myself go and I don't know if it's me or the ED but I need to lose it. I'm trying to block out the stuff and I find it's helping so far :)
Ok So
-I've eliminated or trying to eliminate drinking diet pop. I've officially gone 35 hours without diet pop. That's amazing because that's all I drink And i've substituted Diet pop for water or soy milk :) Improvement there!
- Eliminating eating alot of carbs in the nightime. or Fatty things. And like i'll eat them early in the day so i'll work them off. :)
- Add veggies and fruits into diet :)
- Do sit-ups <- I really need to work on that.
- Figure what to do with my sugars. I've kept them high but my plan is obviously back-firing on me. Soo yeah I'm unsure there.
- Going back down to 120lbs is definitely a biggie though! I need to work on the fat on my legs and tummy. :)
I think I should stop eating when i'm home too. And make myself hungry and dis-oriented and maybe that will work. It's just I can't become stupid when i'm working so I have to eat to function. I think i'm better. I'm not skinny and I gained weight and i'm going to lose it the right way I think :)
So I'm deciding to put what i'm going to be doing for the next month in writing.
I'm going to lose the weight again. Back to 120 lbs and I promise I'll chill there for the summer. Right now i'm currently at 129.1 lbs I have completely let myself go and I don't know if it's me or the ED but I need to lose it. I'm trying to block out the stuff and I find it's helping so far :)
Ok So
-I've eliminated or trying to eliminate drinking diet pop. I've officially gone 35 hours without diet pop. That's amazing because that's all I drink And i've substituted Diet pop for water or soy milk :) Improvement there!
- Eliminating eating alot of carbs in the nightime. or Fatty things. And like i'll eat them early in the day so i'll work them off. :)
- Add veggies and fruits into diet :)
- Do sit-ups <- I really need to work on that.
- Figure what to do with my sugars. I've kept them high but my plan is obviously back-firing on me. Soo yeah I'm unsure there.
- Going back down to 120lbs is definitely a biggie though! I need to work on the fat on my legs and tummy. :)
I think I should stop eating when i'm home too. And make myself hungry and dis-oriented and maybe that will work. It's just I can't become stupid when i'm working so I have to eat to function. I think i'm better. I'm not skinny and I gained weight and i'm going to lose it the right way I think :)
Saturday, June 9, 2012
June 9, 2012
Hey!
So pretty semi goodish mood and tired mood.
Just worked an 11hr shift. Crazy b'ys at mcdees, never stopped!
I have burn splash burns right up my right arm and scratches up my left arm and burns and cuts on both of my hands. All from work. Why harm myself when I do it unknowingly at work.
Anyways bye bye weekend because i'm working it all. Only day off was tomorrow and they called me in. At least i'm 1) getting overtime because I worked 47 hours this week alone. 2) Getting a free meal :P or meals. Gonna be at wally world mcdees wooo!
I'm such a fatty. Today alone working there I ate 75% of my daily fat :O unacceptable. I only had 2 burritos and a strawberry pie from 8-7 oh and a coffee! :P and a diet coke -_- lol
In my head that seemed like alot of food before I just typed it. I feel all strange now. eh what odds.
Oh oh anddddd I got the shit scared out of me today. Chris the dude I work with yeah ok Well I went in the back freezer ( which is -18 degrees) to get some nuggets and the arse hole turned of the lights. I never ran so fast in my life. I thought the cooler stopped and the doors would lock and I'd freeze to death LOL I could have strangled him. Bugger.
Oh and on a happy note I cried for the first time in forever today :) But it was from laughing so hard. :)
Matthew was like what does FIFO mean and I slowly just said first in and first out and then I added thats so inappropriate don't ya think ? Anyways we both died, we cried from laughing so hard it was just so childish and funny and oh my fun times in the kitchen!
Anyways had to write some positive to this negative blog :( I'm really trying :) Sometimes harder than other times but yeah :)
Off to eat supper!
Ciaos!
So pretty semi goodish mood and tired mood.
Just worked an 11hr shift. Crazy b'ys at mcdees, never stopped!
I have burn splash burns right up my right arm and scratches up my left arm and burns and cuts on both of my hands. All from work. Why harm myself when I do it unknowingly at work.
Anyways bye bye weekend because i'm working it all. Only day off was tomorrow and they called me in. At least i'm 1) getting overtime because I worked 47 hours this week alone. 2) Getting a free meal :P or meals. Gonna be at wally world mcdees wooo!
I'm such a fatty. Today alone working there I ate 75% of my daily fat :O unacceptable. I only had 2 burritos and a strawberry pie from 8-7 oh and a coffee! :P and a diet coke -_- lol
In my head that seemed like alot of food before I just typed it. I feel all strange now. eh what odds.
Oh oh anddddd I got the shit scared out of me today. Chris the dude I work with yeah ok Well I went in the back freezer ( which is -18 degrees) to get some nuggets and the arse hole turned of the lights. I never ran so fast in my life. I thought the cooler stopped and the doors would lock and I'd freeze to death LOL I could have strangled him. Bugger.
Oh and on a happy note I cried for the first time in forever today :) But it was from laughing so hard. :)
Matthew was like what does FIFO mean and I slowly just said first in and first out and then I added thats so inappropriate don't ya think ? Anyways we both died, we cried from laughing so hard it was just so childish and funny and oh my fun times in the kitchen!
Anyways had to write some positive to this negative blog :( I'm really trying :) Sometimes harder than other times but yeah :)
Off to eat supper!
Ciaos!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
June....pissy mood
This. This right here is why I fucking don't fucking trust no one.
You said you'd be there and never leave, that you would understand. Why do I keep falling for that shit even after you say no i'm not like everyone else I can handle it. Fuck you cunt. Fuck you. Ok. You are such a heterosexual bitch who fakes to be a lesbian .
Everything I do is fucked up. I have managed to push everyone away. With all the lies and shit about my eating and my sadness and all that fucking shit.
There tired of me being so suicidal and down and emotionless. But Like I feel like bawling all the time. and I don't and I just want to be able to cry and cry and cry. But I can't. I'm in another bad mood.
I'm officially going to toronto in july. I need to lose weight, I need to learn to purge and learn to say no and learn to control my feeling and learn to not be bitchy and learn to fucking not be catty and learn to be nice and innocent. But it's impossible to erase the damage that has been done. Why do I call it damage. It happened so fucking what. Everybody has had stuff happen to them and i'm like blowing it out of proportion. I want it to go back to before where I bottled my feelings up, I sort of felt better, I was 10x bitcher but like this hurts. And yet I don't because I don't know i've done all this hard work to change and argh.
Bottom line of right now is I have to say no. No to food and weight gain and spending money and omg. I want to slice my stomach up and let the fat pour out I want to cut my arms to block out the pain. I want to burn myself at work and just flat out lay my hand on the grill. But I don't want others worrying for me. I give people a reason to worry. I don't mean to and thats why I try to vent here. I find writing is boring and typing is easier but like I refrain from posting this shit on facebook where any of my"friends" (or of what I have left) can see.
You said you'd be there and never leave, that you would understand. Why do I keep falling for that shit even after you say no i'm not like everyone else I can handle it. Fuck you cunt. Fuck you. Ok. You are such a heterosexual bitch who fakes to be a lesbian .
Everything I do is fucked up. I have managed to push everyone away. With all the lies and shit about my eating and my sadness and all that fucking shit.
There tired of me being so suicidal and down and emotionless. But Like I feel like bawling all the time. and I don't and I just want to be able to cry and cry and cry. But I can't. I'm in another bad mood.
I'm officially going to toronto in july. I need to lose weight, I need to learn to purge and learn to say no and learn to control my feeling and learn to not be bitchy and learn to fucking not be catty and learn to be nice and innocent. But it's impossible to erase the damage that has been done. Why do I call it damage. It happened so fucking what. Everybody has had stuff happen to them and i'm like blowing it out of proportion. I want it to go back to before where I bottled my feelings up, I sort of felt better, I was 10x bitcher but like this hurts. And yet I don't because I don't know i've done all this hard work to change and argh.
Bottom line of right now is I have to say no. No to food and weight gain and spending money and omg. I want to slice my stomach up and let the fat pour out I want to cut my arms to block out the pain. I want to burn myself at work and just flat out lay my hand on the grill. But I don't want others worrying for me. I give people a reason to worry. I don't mean to and thats why I try to vent here. I find writing is boring and typing is easier but like I refrain from posting this shit on facebook where any of my"friends" (or of what I have left) can see.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Numb
I wish this pain would go away
want to
I've thought about the insulin. just where. I have a couple of solid places in mind. But at the same time I want to be found.
I have such a headache because I ate to much junk. I want to throw it up. But i'm not very good at it plus the family is home. one day I will succeed.
I think it's unfair for me to ask for help when i'm not sick, i'm not poor, i'm not dependent on others but yet I am? I confuse myself 24/7
I think i'm being an attention whore 24/7
I think I crave attention 24/7
I pushed everybody away by being a bitch.
My friends confuse me, they don't really like me.
My "gf" or w.e I don't even know it's like it's a repeat from before.
Everything is a repeat, it's all the same.
I'm always sad and i feel that I do it for attention but I don't.
I laugh at everything but is it really actually funny?
I'm thin but am I actually thin or am I just fat like I always think I am.
My legs are huge.
I'm to fat to be a model, too akward, to weird, to ugly, to unstable.
I'm in a fucking wonderful mood.
I want to take the needle to my arm and push the plunger.
want to
I've thought about the insulin. just where. I have a couple of solid places in mind. But at the same time I want to be found.
I have such a headache because I ate to much junk. I want to throw it up. But i'm not very good at it plus the family is home. one day I will succeed.
I think it's unfair for me to ask for help when i'm not sick, i'm not poor, i'm not dependent on others but yet I am? I confuse myself 24/7
I think i'm being an attention whore 24/7
I think I crave attention 24/7
I pushed everybody away by being a bitch.
My friends confuse me, they don't really like me.
My "gf" or w.e I don't even know it's like it's a repeat from before.
Everything is a repeat, it's all the same.
I'm always sad and i feel that I do it for attention but I don't.
I laugh at everything but is it really actually funny?
I'm thin but am I actually thin or am I just fat like I always think I am.
My legs are huge.
I'm to fat to be a model, too akward, to weird, to ugly, to unstable.
I'm in a fucking wonderful mood.
I want to take the needle to my arm and push the plunger.
May 31, 2012
Hey ok pissy mood.
Day off and got called in grrr now I feel bad about not going in but like i'm exhausted and have to do stuff today.
MY friends. Hung out with them and while I was in the car they made plans to go to the gym and didn't ask, it's not even so much that because there like invite yourself before but one asked the other THEN called another girl and never invited me. Childish I know, alot of stuff i'm doing lately is childish.
And I've had too girls confess their love for me in the past week. Both with the same name. I don't find this funny or like exciting. It's actually quite a problem because I don't like one and she randomly said it, and wont stop texting. ( i've become a major bitch lately). The other girl I really like but I just can't say that I love her. Too many issues i'm having. way to many, like she hasn't texted me in 2 days and when i tried to text her it was like she didn't want to talk. I don't know.
Soooo tired. The more that i'm told not to do something I want to do it even more.
Ciao.
Day off and got called in grrr now I feel bad about not going in but like i'm exhausted and have to do stuff today.
MY friends. Hung out with them and while I was in the car they made plans to go to the gym and didn't ask, it's not even so much that because there like invite yourself before but one asked the other THEN called another girl and never invited me. Childish I know, alot of stuff i'm doing lately is childish.
And I've had too girls confess their love for me in the past week. Both with the same name. I don't find this funny or like exciting. It's actually quite a problem because I don't like one and she randomly said it, and wont stop texting. ( i've become a major bitch lately). The other girl I really like but I just can't say that I love her. Too many issues i'm having. way to many, like she hasn't texted me in 2 days and when i tried to text her it was like she didn't want to talk. I don't know.
Soooo tired. The more that i'm told not to do something I want to do it even more.
Ciao.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
May 27, 2012
Some comparing of how I think. It's fucked. I think 2 ways with everything.
Eating.
Normal- Have a small burger or a sundae for lunch :) I'll work it off
ED- No no your not eating. Ok have a salad. Then the Normal cuts in and it's like but I'll go low and have to eat more. so
N 1- ED 0
Weight
N- I'm 126lbs i'm fine, Healthy weight, could do some sit-ups and some extra exercise for fun :)
ED- You fucking cow your fine at 123lbs, That's a better weight, your still big but it's better than being 126 ew.
You have rolls everywhere and like there's fat EVERYWHERE. Your not wearing shorts.
Harming
N- I don't want to anymore, I'll stop, I want to be healthy and beautiful to have curves and look good.
ED- Do it, your fat , your not revealing anything anyways. The hopes of being fit is an illusion and a dream that will never come true.
Blood sugars
N- I want to have regular sugars and eat right and not worry about gaining weight from insulin.
ED- Your going to have high sugars because it will make you lose weight and make you really sick and hopefully kill you.
The funny thing is if it goes high without my intention of it doing so I get worried. Strange huh?
Insulin
N- It don't make you gain weight. it's a medication you need to not make you sick.
ED- It makes you gain weight you loser, stop taking it, you'll love the results, a smaller and thinner you.
Treatment
N- I need help from myself, I need help. I need to stop feeling this way it's not right.
ED- There're not going to help you, they're just going to put you on drugs. And make you eat lots. No. you don't want to live anyways.
This is how I feel everyday 24/7 with everything. Obviously it's not this cut and dry but this is a basic idea. It's horrible, I'm miserable to myself and others. I'm ruining my life. of which I do and Don't want to live.
I see no hope, but I want to live. A reason. See? But I don't to go on medication. It's something I can abuse. I have a very sick mind. I want to be stick thin but then I just want to be thin and tone. I do want to see my bones, and I don't I just want to see my frame.
This is obviously a double day. I'm super irrational today. Someday's I have really really good days And I think sanely for the most part. I wasn't to cut up my hips and tummy so bad. Why? to seek help? or is because I think that low of myself but! I have an appt tomorrow, then their discharging me and a part of me is rebelling and fighting for some reason. But yet i've refused help countless times. :( I don't know. On the same hand i'm not sick? I'm not small enough to get help? I'm not stick thin like some girls (who are beautiful!) I find beauty in everybody but myself. Even larger girls I see thinness for some strange reason. That sounded bitchy but it wasn't. Anyways I needed a vent. again. i've gone 2 weeks without speaking to a psych. losing my mind. Well gone to eat supper. puke.
Thats another thing! I shall continue this thing I was doing. Maybe I'll see since from it. ? I don't know.
Well i'm off to work too!
Ciao!
Eating.
Normal- Have a small burger or a sundae for lunch :) I'll work it off
ED- No no your not eating. Ok have a salad. Then the Normal cuts in and it's like but I'll go low and have to eat more. so
N 1- ED 0
Weight
N- I'm 126lbs i'm fine, Healthy weight, could do some sit-ups and some extra exercise for fun :)
ED- You fucking cow your fine at 123lbs, That's a better weight, your still big but it's better than being 126 ew.
You have rolls everywhere and like there's fat EVERYWHERE. Your not wearing shorts.
Harming
N- I don't want to anymore, I'll stop, I want to be healthy and beautiful to have curves and look good.
ED- Do it, your fat , your not revealing anything anyways. The hopes of being fit is an illusion and a dream that will never come true.
Blood sugars
N- I want to have regular sugars and eat right and not worry about gaining weight from insulin.
ED- Your going to have high sugars because it will make you lose weight and make you really sick and hopefully kill you.
The funny thing is if it goes high without my intention of it doing so I get worried. Strange huh?
Insulin
N- It don't make you gain weight. it's a medication you need to not make you sick.
ED- It makes you gain weight you loser, stop taking it, you'll love the results, a smaller and thinner you.
Treatment
N- I need help from myself, I need help. I need to stop feeling this way it's not right.
ED- There're not going to help you, they're just going to put you on drugs. And make you eat lots. No. you don't want to live anyways.
This is how I feel everyday 24/7 with everything. Obviously it's not this cut and dry but this is a basic idea. It's horrible, I'm miserable to myself and others. I'm ruining my life. of which I do and Don't want to live.
I see no hope, but I want to live. A reason. See? But I don't to go on medication. It's something I can abuse. I have a very sick mind. I want to be stick thin but then I just want to be thin and tone. I do want to see my bones, and I don't I just want to see my frame.
This is obviously a double day. I'm super irrational today. Someday's I have really really good days And I think sanely for the most part. I wasn't to cut up my hips and tummy so bad. Why? to seek help? or is because I think that low of myself but! I have an appt tomorrow, then their discharging me and a part of me is rebelling and fighting for some reason. But yet i've refused help countless times. :( I don't know. On the same hand i'm not sick? I'm not small enough to get help? I'm not stick thin like some girls (who are beautiful!) I find beauty in everybody but myself. Even larger girls I see thinness for some strange reason. That sounded bitchy but it wasn't. Anyways I needed a vent. again. i've gone 2 weeks without speaking to a psych. losing my mind. Well gone to eat supper. puke.
Thats another thing! I shall continue this thing I was doing. Maybe I'll see since from it. ? I don't know.
Well i'm off to work too!
Ciao!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
May 26, 2012
I'm so mad.
Why do people have to be so mean? I don't know mean isn't the word. Heartless, insensitive?
Not that I need people to be nice. I don't need that BUT! If your stepping in and out of my life and seeing me whenever it's conveindent to you and making broken promises then yeah I get a tad upset. Why? Because I never use to lie intentionally. If I made plans I stuck with them, If I promised you something I followed through, If I upset somebody I'd feel really bad. But it's like the sincerity of me is gone. I make broken plans because you do, I "forget" things because you do, And If I upset someone I do feel bad ish But i'm starting to not fucking give a shit.
I'm a heartless person. I'm very manipulative and I use things to my advantage. I say I'd never harm I say i'm ok, I water down my feelings, I say i'll eat but guess what, No. I'm not, I'm slowly letting go I have been for a while and now it's becoming more pronouced. I have let go of my self control and i'm disgusting. I've gained so much weight, I can't eat healthy and I consider myself an anorexic? Pathetic. I'm regaining back my control. I'll do whatever I want, I'm done caring about how other people feel.
Little rant. It's funny it's so much easier to just not eat then it is to have little things. It's also weird how I can have my sugars high But if they go high without my doing I get upset and worried. Fucking weird.
I'm off to work yay.
Why do people have to be so mean? I don't know mean isn't the word. Heartless, insensitive?
Not that I need people to be nice. I don't need that BUT! If your stepping in and out of my life and seeing me whenever it's conveindent to you and making broken promises then yeah I get a tad upset. Why? Because I never use to lie intentionally. If I made plans I stuck with them, If I promised you something I followed through, If I upset somebody I'd feel really bad. But it's like the sincerity of me is gone. I make broken plans because you do, I "forget" things because you do, And If I upset someone I do feel bad ish But i'm starting to not fucking give a shit.
I'm a heartless person. I'm very manipulative and I use things to my advantage. I say I'd never harm I say i'm ok, I water down my feelings, I say i'll eat but guess what, No. I'm not, I'm slowly letting go I have been for a while and now it's becoming more pronouced. I have let go of my self control and i'm disgusting. I've gained so much weight, I can't eat healthy and I consider myself an anorexic? Pathetic. I'm regaining back my control. I'll do whatever I want, I'm done caring about how other people feel.
Little rant. It's funny it's so much easier to just not eat then it is to have little things. It's also weird how I can have my sugars high But if they go high without my doing I get upset and worried. Fucking weird.
I'm off to work yay.
100 again, :P
- Have you ever:
- 1) Self harmed? Yes
- 2) Got into a real fight? No
- 3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed? Yes
- 4) Tried to commit suicide? No
- 5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Yes
- 6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting? No
- 7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble? Yes
- 8) Accused someone of using you? Yes
- 9) Shoplifted? No
- 10) Gotten drunk/high? Yes
- 11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing? No
- 12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game? Yes
- (Right now) Are you:
- 13) Suicidal? Yes
- 14) Bored? No
- 15) Avoiding someone? Not atm
- 16) Avoiding some task? Yes
- 17) Depressed? Yes
- 18) Crying? No
- 19) Annoyed with a friend? No
- 20) Worried and confused about something important to you? Yes
- Do you:
- 21) Get depressed easily? No
- 22) Get jealous/envious easily? Yes
- 23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things? Yes
- 24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot? Yes
- 25) Try hard in all your classes at school? No
- 26) Go out drinking? Yes
- 27) Smoke cigarettes? No
- 28) Smoke weed? Yes
- 29) Do any hard drugs? No
- 30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why? Because i'm a stupid teenager.
- 31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will? No
- 32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them? Yes
- 33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain? Yes
- 34) Believe people deserve second chances? Yes
- 35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying) Yes
- 36) Think things will get better? No
- 37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished? Yes
- 38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest) Don't judge I'm curious to why
- Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend:
- 39) Long hair OR short hair? Short
- 40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs? Smile
- 41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?
- 42) Shy OR open? Open
- 43) Eyes OR body? Eyes
- 44) Religious OR non-religious? Non
- 45) Caring OR non-restricting of you? Caring
- 46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge? Non
- 47) Piercings OR no piercings? Piercings
- 48) Tattoos OR no tattoos? Tattoos
- 49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type? Party
- 50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with? Friends
- Would you:
- 51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk? Yes
- 52) Smoke weed? Yes
- 53) Smoke cigarettes? Yes
- 54) Get even with someone who betrayed you? Yes
- 55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you? Maybe
- 56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you? Yes
- 57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what? No
- 58) Join a band as a part time activity? No
- 59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse? Yes
- 60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them? Yes
- 61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like? Nope
- 62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family? No
- 63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online? No
- 64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported? No
- 65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people? Yes
- 66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them? No
- 67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems? Yes
- 68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes? Yes
- 69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you? Toes and stomach
- 70) Sleep naked? Yeah
- You can only choose one:
- 71) Black or Orange? Orange
- 72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore? Metalcore
- 73) Cellphone or Computer? Computer
- 74) Chocolate milk OR Coke? Coke
- 75) Tumblr OR Friends? Friends
- 76) Apple OR PC? PC
- 77) TV Shows OR Movies? Shows
- 78) Old bands OR new Bands? Old
- 79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock? Pop-punk
- 80) Reading OR Listening to music? Music
- 81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice. Coke, less aftertaste
- 82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically? Changing
- 83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge? Clean
- 84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice. Kellin?
- 85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice. Ronnie
- 86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary? Documentary
- 87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe? Europe
- 88) Shoes OR Shirts? Shoes
- 89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence? ???
- 90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice. Stay
- Almost over:
- 91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest. Yes
- 92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family? No
- 93) Do you want to travel when you are older? Yes
- 94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams? Yes
- 95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions? Yes!
- 96) Rather be the opposite gender? No
- 97) What will you name your son/daughter? Daughter- Calliope Son- Evan,
- 98) Do you get harassed more than most people do? Yeah
- 99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason.
- 100) What makes you a bad person in your mind? My head and insensitivity.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Yay today.
So. I’m fatherless…well obv. And just like 5 minutes ago mom said she moving out. Like in 2 hours. Shes gathering up her stuff now. Why? Because of me. Initially she kicked me out but I just kinda stayed in my room. Never said a word, never screamed or fed into her childish behaviours. And Who comes out looking bad? Might as well start looking for a place for me and my girls (rats) and Bo I suppose seeing she aint taking him , and i’m not giving him up for adoption. Bad day. I was planning on O.D but nan came and talked me out of anything stupid, for the moment. I’ll take my insulin and needles with me. Maybe I should admit myself. But the hospital is for sick people, not people who are sooky and say their gonna o.d… Anyways off to a friends house for abit. Then coming home and vending for myself. I feel the urge to call the psych but I only seen her yesterday and i’ll see her again in 2 weeks. I feel like calling the housing for youth because we keep in contact regularly but I feel this isn’t an emergency.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
May 8, 2012
Hey!!!
Half a day off :D whatttt!
LOL
Anyhow I dunno what to think of it all.
I'm legit right now thinking about every sort of "Help"... i'm getting and just like giving it up.
I'm off my insulin. since saturday at 4. The highest they went was prob gods know I checked it a few hours after I had a huge meal and it was 16.2. But I never wanted to poke myself again so I'm just like chilling, it'll drop on its own. Hey, it's either this or I go to the place I want to go and take a whole shit load of it. Fast and N easy. This way is a whole lot slower.
Last night I was soo skeptical about going out because I thought I looked huge. But this is the funny thing. I seen a pic of me and my friend back on and I thought that person looked small but when I seen my face to that picture my opinion changed. My mind is soo fucked up its not even funny. I am fat I know that, I know people see that i'm fat but they know I have issues so they are obviously going to say i'm "small". It really pissed me off when my mom called me a twig. Not even the word but because she was a "twig" she was super small when she was my age. She was like 100lbs and my height. Thats not fair when she can be that and I can't. So therefore i'm not a god damn twig. theres 23 lbs in the difference there. But i'm working on it.
No insulin, high sugars and watching what I eat will cause me to lose weight.
But i'm addicted to chocolate and sugar. How am I anorexic if I can't stay away from that stuff. Anorexics have way better and stricter control then I do. I'm very lazy and my moods about everything changes all the time.
Well off to test my sugars. yay!
Ciao!
Half a day off :D whatttt!
LOL
Anyhow I dunno what to think of it all.
I'm legit right now thinking about every sort of "Help"... i'm getting and just like giving it up.
I'm off my insulin. since saturday at 4. The highest they went was prob gods know I checked it a few hours after I had a huge meal and it was 16.2. But I never wanted to poke myself again so I'm just like chilling, it'll drop on its own. Hey, it's either this or I go to the place I want to go and take a whole shit load of it. Fast and N easy. This way is a whole lot slower.
Last night I was soo skeptical about going out because I thought I looked huge. But this is the funny thing. I seen a pic of me and my friend back on and I thought that person looked small but when I seen my face to that picture my opinion changed. My mind is soo fucked up its not even funny. I am fat I know that, I know people see that i'm fat but they know I have issues so they are obviously going to say i'm "small". It really pissed me off when my mom called me a twig. Not even the word but because she was a "twig" she was super small when she was my age. She was like 100lbs and my height. Thats not fair when she can be that and I can't. So therefore i'm not a god damn twig. theres 23 lbs in the difference there. But i'm working on it.
No insulin, high sugars and watching what I eat will cause me to lose weight.
But i'm addicted to chocolate and sugar. How am I anorexic if I can't stay away from that stuff. Anorexics have way better and stricter control then I do. I'm very lazy and my moods about everything changes all the time.
Well off to test my sugars. yay!
Ciao!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Mcdees May 4, 2012
Hey been like 4 days :O Unacceptable! so heres how my amazing day yesterday went -_-
-Late for work by 20 min.
- Burned my right middle finer off got fry oil.
- Burned my index finger off oil, fishing for a lone nugget. Not to mention the one I cut 2 days ago off a box.
Time for some funny stuff now :P
-They wanted someone to volunteer to clean lobby and It took all my power not to yell " I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" But I never, and thats sad
- Someone ordered a swiss mushroom melt bistro....With no mushrooms o__O
- Someone ordered a 1/4 lber with no bun so I had to stack every ingredient on 2 slices of cheese.
- Someone confused the hell out of us by ordering a bistro grilled...no crispy, no grilled no crispy.. Legit -_-
They kept me on fries, fryer, grill and kitchen yesterday :) Happy Moments.
And I found out my kitchen team really cares :) When I burned myself the manager had me on grill so they took over and let me do prep :) I actually really like the people I work with.
Oh oh and after work me, mom, and taylor went to Fog city. Dece!
- Ordered a slice of Banana Caramel cake. And the waiter thought I wanted to share so she brought out 3 forks. I was like OOOOOHHH NOOOO! This is mine, all mine.. Plus neither of them like banana so it just works out.
- Then taylor threatened to kick my ass So I ran and surprisingly she was right behind me and I had to sniff when I was running because the diet drink clogged my throat and I accidentally snorted, well she about died hahaha that was the only thing saving my ass from being kicked :P
Fun day indeed.
I did have this wonderful idea that I wasn't going to eat because I ate to much this week. But i'm shaky and hungry but like i can ignore the hunger but not the shakiness, it gets pretty intense. I hate being diabetic.
Well off for another days work! 4-10 yay! Then 2-10 tomorrow. yay
-Late for work by 20 min.
- Burned my right middle finer off got fry oil.
- Burned my index finger off oil, fishing for a lone nugget. Not to mention the one I cut 2 days ago off a box.
Time for some funny stuff now :P
-They wanted someone to volunteer to clean lobby and It took all my power not to yell " I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" But I never, and thats sad
- Someone ordered a swiss mushroom melt bistro....With no mushrooms o__O
- Someone ordered a 1/4 lber with no bun so I had to stack every ingredient on 2 slices of cheese.
- Someone confused the hell out of us by ordering a bistro grilled...no crispy, no grilled no crispy.. Legit -_-
They kept me on fries, fryer, grill and kitchen yesterday :) Happy Moments.
And I found out my kitchen team really cares :) When I burned myself the manager had me on grill so they took over and let me do prep :) I actually really like the people I work with.
Oh oh and after work me, mom, and taylor went to Fog city. Dece!
- Ordered a slice of Banana Caramel cake. And the waiter thought I wanted to share so she brought out 3 forks. I was like OOOOOHHH NOOOO! This is mine, all mine.. Plus neither of them like banana so it just works out.
- Then taylor threatened to kick my ass So I ran and surprisingly she was right behind me and I had to sniff when I was running because the diet drink clogged my throat and I accidentally snorted, well she about died hahaha that was the only thing saving my ass from being kicked :P
Fun day indeed.
I did have this wonderful idea that I wasn't going to eat because I ate to much this week. But i'm shaky and hungry but like i can ignore the hunger but not the shakiness, it gets pretty intense. I hate being diabetic.
Well off for another days work! 4-10 yay! Then 2-10 tomorrow. yay
Monday, April 30, 2012
2nd blog of the day!
So another "eating" post I suppose.
My stomach is like gurgling/squishing. I was rolling my stomach to get like the extra air out and stuff and plus to work those muscles :) And now like an hour later my stomach is intensely making noise. I'm not overly hungry but like it sounds like my stomach is growling. Oh the fun of being clouded my eating thoughts. I'm so proud of myself I'm back at my happy weight for now. 125lbs :) I've been at that all day :) ! Now I want to lower my weight 10 lbs! I think it would be good :) But i'm going to start a detox and like cut out all the junk...which is literally 80% of what I eat. ok maybe 90%. I need to add in those greens! I LOVE veggies!
I also want to like harm soo bad. Soo bad. But like I don't want to cut because it will leave a scar and like I'm going on vacay and I don't want these huge scars everywhere. Maybe I'll start punching. Bruises come and go. Well I already punched my stomach and now it's bloated but that could be from the belly rolling. I legit do some sick belly rolls.
I've becoming a umm not so much a liar because liars totally piss me off but like i'm omitting things and just not saying how I truly feel, which is lying. Plussss I've been getting a potty mouth :O I was swearing some lot today. at least like 4-5 times! Damn burner. Burned my hand like a gazillion times.
Anyways off to distract myself from eating!
My stomach is like gurgling/squishing. I was rolling my stomach to get like the extra air out and stuff and plus to work those muscles :) And now like an hour later my stomach is intensely making noise. I'm not overly hungry but like it sounds like my stomach is growling. Oh the fun of being clouded my eating thoughts. I'm so proud of myself I'm back at my happy weight for now. 125lbs :) I've been at that all day :) ! Now I want to lower my weight 10 lbs! I think it would be good :) But i'm going to start a detox and like cut out all the junk...which is literally 80% of what I eat. ok maybe 90%. I need to add in those greens! I LOVE veggies!
I also want to like harm soo bad. Soo bad. But like I don't want to cut because it will leave a scar and like I'm going on vacay and I don't want these huge scars everywhere. Maybe I'll start punching. Bruises come and go. Well I already punched my stomach and now it's bloated but that could be from the belly rolling. I legit do some sick belly rolls.
I've becoming a umm not so much a liar because liars totally piss me off but like i'm omitting things and just not saying how I truly feel, which is lying. Plussss I've been getting a potty mouth :O I was swearing some lot today. at least like 4-5 times! Damn burner. Burned my hand like a gazillion times.
Anyways off to distract myself from eating!
Today is my....
69th post!
Heheheheh Soo immature! What odds.
Sooo yesterday was a super hectic first day at work. Worked 12-6 at the big mcdees then they wanted me to stay till 630. Theeeennn They asked if I could go over to the small mcdees for 1hr half -2 hours....Hahahah I hope they knew it was my first friggin day. Anyways got stressed out of my mind at the other one because I was babied so much at the big one today! I'm pretty good with putting the patties on the burger and cooking them. Not so good at remember what bun goes with what burger and the ingredients. I was going really good though and people couldn't believe how good I was for my first day :) There'll really nice people there :)
Now. I'm going to work BJH 10-1 today, tomorrow, and monday. And Mcdees the rest of the week. So I got around 44 hours this week! B'ys i'mma be pooped on wed. It's McHappy day. :'( I'm off to cry for a bit.
Well Gotta go get ready for work, leaving in HOLY SHIT 10-15 min and my hair aint dry :O Bye bye bye bye!
Ciao !
Heheheheh Soo immature! What odds.
Sooo yesterday was a super hectic first day at work. Worked 12-6 at the big mcdees then they wanted me to stay till 630. Theeeennn They asked if I could go over to the small mcdees for 1hr half -2 hours....Hahahah I hope they knew it was my first friggin day. Anyways got stressed out of my mind at the other one because I was babied so much at the big one today! I'm pretty good with putting the patties on the burger and cooking them. Not so good at remember what bun goes with what burger and the ingredients. I was going really good though and people couldn't believe how good I was for my first day :) There'll really nice people there :)
Now. I'm going to work BJH 10-1 today, tomorrow, and monday. And Mcdees the rest of the week. So I got around 44 hours this week! B'ys i'mma be pooped on wed. It's McHappy day. :'( I'm off to cry for a bit.
Well Gotta go get ready for work, leaving in HOLY SHIT 10-15 min and my hair aint dry :O Bye bye bye bye!
Ciao !
Saturday, April 28, 2012
April 28, 2012
Hey
So to start off I suppose I'll give a rant.
The past 2 weeks or whatever I've gained weight. Not happy. I'm used to waking up in the morning being 121-124 and I'm fine with that and then being 124-127 throughout the day. Now! i'm waking up to 125-127 and being 127-129 throughout the day. Not friggin cool. Sooooo my plan earylier which obviously didn't work because I just woke up to a low sugar reading was to cut back both of my insulin's to make me go high so I could lose some weight that way. I have an appt on monday and like i'm so fucking mad because i've gained so much weight and just totally lost control but I never ! because like I got 2 jobs now and the only way for me to function at the time was to just feed my body food. But like i'm obsessed with Chocolate and sugar and junk basically. Anyways I cut my insulins from 0.10u/h to 0.05u/h and 0.35u/h to 0.25u/h. So now instead of giving myself 6.5u/day i'm giving myself 4.5 u/day. Take that fat! You will eventually come off. It's not like i'm not "exercising" because i'm always going, i'm all go go go. Walking to work, biking to work, busing to work, moving at work, running at work, running to another job, going to an appt, cleaning the house, Like Believe it or not I do alot that people don't see. So this recent weight gain stund me.
Ok.
Anddd I went to katy's and we slept in a tent last night and had a fire...in the city. LOL Someone called 911 and fire trucks came so we got our asses out of there and went further into the "woods" It was hilarious because all i seen was my 2 friends running full tilt with a assembled tent. Om top of that perfect night it friggin poured. The heavens opened up and we totally got like 20 mm of rain, it called for 10-15mm so I have no idea why they camped out but what odds!.
Thats pretty much it. I think i'll go grab some food. seeing the last time I ate a meal was like 930 and I nibbed on chocolate eggies all day LOL Gotta love having naps. I actually had one because I forgot to wake mom up so I knew she'd be pissed so I fell asleep :P
Anyways Ciao!
So to start off I suppose I'll give a rant.
The past 2 weeks or whatever I've gained weight. Not happy. I'm used to waking up in the morning being 121-124 and I'm fine with that and then being 124-127 throughout the day. Now! i'm waking up to 125-127 and being 127-129 throughout the day. Not friggin cool. Sooooo my plan earylier which obviously didn't work because I just woke up to a low sugar reading was to cut back both of my insulin's to make me go high so I could lose some weight that way. I have an appt on monday and like i'm so fucking mad because i've gained so much weight and just totally lost control but I never ! because like I got 2 jobs now and the only way for me to function at the time was to just feed my body food. But like i'm obsessed with Chocolate and sugar and junk basically. Anyways I cut my insulins from
Ok.
Anddd I went to katy's and we slept in a tent last night and had a fire...in the city. LOL Someone called 911 and fire trucks came so we got our asses out of there and went further into the "woods" It was hilarious because all i seen was my 2 friends running full tilt with a assembled tent. Om top of that perfect night it friggin poured. The heavens opened up and we totally got like 20 mm of rain, it called for 10-15mm so I have no idea why they camped out but what odds!.
Thats pretty much it. I think i'll go grab some food. seeing the last time I ate a meal was like 930 and I nibbed on chocolate eggies all day LOL Gotta love having naps. I actually had one because I forgot to wake mom up so I knew she'd be pissed so I fell asleep :P
Anyways Ciao!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
April 25, 2012
It's funny how the busiest week i've had I blog the most! silly!
Anyways i'm triggered. Weight wise triggered, not suicidaly triggered <- well not overwhelming anyhow.
Anyways I need to lose this weight I gained. I need to re focus my attention on what i'm eating because I've kind of let myself go the past couple of weeks and i've been eating chocolate everyday and Mcdonalds! Fuck that. I thought if I got a job there I wouldn't eat there...wrong. Like today I'm kind of proud of myself because my mind came into play and was like you don't need this your not hungry and your looking for an excuse to eat this stuff. Unfortunately I gave in because I had no other source of food on me. But I'm soo happy that my mind has kind of decided to work with me in trying to eliminate these foods and be like yeah you don't need that do you? :) I looked at a thinso blog and like I totally wanna like lose at least 5 lbs. I need to, I look unhealthy. Like the fat on my stomach compared to 2 months ago is disgusting. Like when I bring up how fat I am people are like no no your just curvy. No no curvy people are alot sexier looking then this. I would not consider my body curvy. Anyways i'm in one of those moods I suppose. I'm like legit starvin' My stomach has been intensely growling for about 30-40 minutes and I feel abit lightheaded so I suppose i'll grab something small and head off too bed. Wake up call like 6! Fun fun fun!maybe 630.....645 ok! :P
Ciao!
Anyways i'm triggered. Weight wise triggered, not suicidaly triggered <- well not overwhelming anyhow.
Anyways I need to lose this weight I gained. I need to re focus my attention on what i'm eating because I've kind of let myself go the past couple of weeks and i've been eating chocolate everyday and Mcdonalds! Fuck that. I thought if I got a job there I wouldn't eat there...wrong. Like today I'm kind of proud of myself because my mind came into play and was like you don't need this your not hungry and your looking for an excuse to eat this stuff. Unfortunately I gave in because I had no other source of food on me. But I'm soo happy that my mind has kind of decided to work with me in trying to eliminate these foods and be like yeah you don't need that do you? :) I looked at a thinso blog and like I totally wanna like lose at least 5 lbs. I need to, I look unhealthy. Like the fat on my stomach compared to 2 months ago is disgusting. Like when I bring up how fat I am people are like no no your just curvy. No no curvy people are alot sexier looking then this. I would not consider my body curvy. Anyways i'm in one of those moods I suppose. I'm like legit starvin' My stomach has been intensely growling for about 30-40 minutes and I feel abit lightheaded so I suppose i'll grab something small and head off too bed. Wake up call like 6! Fun fun fun!maybe 630.....645 ok! :P
Ciao!
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