This. This right here is why I fucking don't fucking trust no one.
You said you'd be there and never leave, that you would understand. Why do I keep falling for that shit even after you say no i'm not like everyone else I can handle it. Fuck you cunt. Fuck you. Ok. You are such a heterosexual bitch who fakes to be a lesbian .
Everything I do is fucked up. I have managed to push everyone away. With all the lies and shit about my eating and my sadness and all that fucking shit.
There tired of me being so suicidal and down and emotionless. But Like I feel like bawling all the time. and I don't and I just want to be able to cry and cry and cry. But I can't. I'm in another bad mood.
I'm officially going to toronto in july. I need to lose weight, I need to learn to purge and learn to say no and learn to control my feeling and learn to not be bitchy and learn to fucking not be catty and learn to be nice and innocent. But it's impossible to erase the damage that has been done. Why do I call it damage. It happened so fucking what. Everybody has had stuff happen to them and i'm like blowing it out of proportion. I want it to go back to before where I bottled my feelings up, I sort of felt better, I was 10x bitcher but like this hurts. And yet I don't because I don't know i've done all this hard work to change and argh.
Bottom line of right now is I have to say no. No to food and weight gain and spending money and omg. I want to slice my stomach up and let the fat pour out I want to cut my arms to block out the pain. I want to burn myself at work and just flat out lay my hand on the grill. But I don't want others worrying for me. I give people a reason to worry. I don't mean to and thats why I try to vent here. I find writing is boring and typing is easier but like I refrain from posting this shit on facebook where any of my"friends" (or of what I have left) can see.
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