June 15, 2012

Hey,
What a horrible horrible 2 days. I haven't cried in like 3 or 4 months and did it ever hit me. I cannot stop crying. I look in the mirror and see how fucking fat I am. My legs are enormous and I cried. I seen pictures at my lowest weight I cried. I thought about the model show I cried because I quit it.
I did practice yesterday and it didn't go well. I had a meltdown for no particular reason but I got up and left. I felt to huge being around alll these skinny models. And them saying I was small and skinny triggered me big time. Fucking liars. You just want me to go in the show so you have people. Or maybe to make yourselves look better. Because i'm so awkward and stuff when I walk and it looks bad.
Anyways i'm getting shit-faced tonight.
I'm calmed down for abit now. I cut and hit myself with various objects and i'm good. It helped for abit but now i'm good for the time being.
My eyes are stinging from crying myself to sleep and crying since I woke up.
I never purged though! I binged and I always have but like I was lying to myself because thats how I eat and I dont want that taken from me. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.
O and! I haven't drank any diet pop in 2 days! I've only drank water and like 1/2 cup of soy :)
I'm soo tired right now. I have music blasting so I dont think anymore because i'm like a leaking dam.
Ciao