Hey!
Ok for one my damn "h" key is being difficult. Noting worse than the H's not coming out. Prime example right there.
Anyways on to last night! Crazy crazy. Ok well as I said yesterday I seen the psych yesterday. Best kind I suppose, I found it very difficult to say and answer all er questions truthfully, quite frankly I just wanted to give her my blog address.
So when I came home I decided I was going to drink the rest of my lambs! I drank most of it. Then my plan was to wait till everyone was gone and have another episode of my irrational acts of thinking. But I never. A friend grabbed me for the night to go to a house party.
On to that, that was just a whole pile of drama. I brought in drama...Drama just seems to like following me around. And once my friend got a few rum shots into me I was a wee impulsive in my speaking terms. Like katy brought up how I was un-happy and stuff.. one thing leads to another sort of thing. Anyways I was going on how I didn't want to live and said if I really wanted to die at this very second I could. Of course they asked how and I just picked up my pump and starting playing with the insulin input button and said that all I need to do is give myself like 30 units of insulin when my sugars drop and it would prob kill me. Well seeing that they couldn't possibly take my pump physically away from me One girl held onto it until I calmed down a bit. But then that just made me really frustrated and so i took my needle out...I don't know why I did it, but I just repeatably cut my thumb...again. They never saw obviously. Oh and I had my first puff of that weed stuff. Nothing exciting about it. Actually I did that because I'm so damn tired of people I know not letting me. Because i'm young and blah blah blah. So I did that out of pure fucking spite.
Like I'm sick of people saying how they are afraid to be around me or let me do things or fool around because they are afraid they'll hurt me. Afraid they'll break a bone or seriously hurt me? I don't get it. I'm not this fragile little girl. I'm like an average sized more to the heavy side of things. Like people who are skin and bones are fragile not me.
Anyways Like how people say i'm pretty and all this other stuff to me but yet I don't have a "Best friend" as per say or a girlfriend? Must be a reason. I'm easy? Boring? Ugly personality <-- I'm thinking it's that one. Annoying? Childish? Rude? Heartless? Negative? I don't know, and no body will tell me. I've straight out asked people and nope nothing.
I don't know, I'm not taken seriously. I find that people think I do the things I do for attention. One of these days. Oh my!
Well i'm off!
Ciao!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
March 30, 2012
Hey!
I think i'm due for a rant!
Ok so I met with the psychologist. Wonderful. I ranted for a full hour!
Not even coherent ranting either. It was like talking to 2 people with opposite opinions. The crazy me showed herself today thats for sure. So shes recommending me seeing someone for 2-3 years :O I kinda went numb but that point with shock. I was totally out of line today. I have to control myself and put a filter on myself. Needless to say there is an evident problem. And I suppose I need help. I never knew how hard it was to tell the truth. I just couldn't do it I got all sweaty and my voice started cracking. Like I didn't know what was on the go with me.
Anyways woo!
Now i am having myself a few glasses of lambs because i have myself soo fuckin' worked up it's crazy. Tonight is not going to be a good night. I need to numb these feeelings! Alcohol is my first option, i have another in mind too. Why must I be sooo stupid?
Well I don't know what to say anymore. Really don't know.
Ciao
I think i'm due for a rant!
Ok so I met with the psychologist. Wonderful. I ranted for a full hour!
Not even coherent ranting either. It was like talking to 2 people with opposite opinions. The crazy me showed herself today thats for sure. So shes recommending me seeing someone for 2-3 years :O I kinda went numb but that point with shock. I was totally out of line today. I have to control myself and put a filter on myself. Needless to say there is an evident problem. And I suppose I need help. I never knew how hard it was to tell the truth. I just couldn't do it I got all sweaty and my voice started cracking. Like I didn't know what was on the go with me.
Anyways woo!
Now i am having myself a few glasses of lambs because i have myself soo fuckin' worked up it's crazy. Tonight is not going to be a good night. I need to numb these feeelings! Alcohol is my first option, i have another in mind too. Why must I be sooo stupid?
Well I don't know what to say anymore. Really don't know.
Ciao
Monday, March 26, 2012
Old note
Hey
So I found this old note I wrote about a year ago. Kinda shows how I felt then and how I feel now. Pretty much the damn same. I'm guessing I was just after being diagnosed with anorexia, I wrote this is school actually. So it's a pretty negative note.
Here it is.
April.11/11
Lies, self harm, and hate, unworthy, stupid, failure, annoying. Some words that come to mind when I think of myself.
May will be a good month for everyone, grad, parties.
For me, not a time of new beginnings but an end.
Hanging?, O.D, Slicing, a combo of things that I plan will happen. Dress up nice, go to an unknown place and silence. I don't feel loved no, I feel the same for others, nobody knows how much I hurt, if they do they don't let on. I don't want the publicity or attention. That isn't my purpose.
I don't have anorexia so I don't believe those that tell me so.
Nobody ever saw this. Obviously this blog has shed light on how I feel so that's no surprise.
Tonight is just another hard night. I want to talk but I don't feel like bugging people to listen. Like who really wants to hear this negativity. Blah Well I'm just gonna sit here and watch the fat on me multiply.
Ciao.
So I found this old note I wrote about a year ago. Kinda shows how I felt then and how I feel now. Pretty much the damn same. I'm guessing I was just after being diagnosed with anorexia, I wrote this is school actually. So it's a pretty negative note.
Here it is.
April.11/11
Lies, self harm, and hate, unworthy, stupid, failure, annoying. Some words that come to mind when I think of myself.
May will be a good month for everyone, grad, parties.
For me, not a time of new beginnings but an end.
Hanging?, O.D, Slicing, a combo of things that I plan will happen. Dress up nice, go to an unknown place and silence. I don't feel loved no, I feel the same for others, nobody knows how much I hurt, if they do they don't let on. I don't want the publicity or attention. That isn't my purpose.
I don't have anorexia so I don't believe those that tell me so.
Nobody ever saw this. Obviously this blog has shed light on how I feel so that's no surprise.
Tonight is just another hard night. I want to talk but I don't feel like bugging people to listen. Like who really wants to hear this negativity. Blah Well I'm just gonna sit here and watch the fat on me multiply.
Ciao.
Totally short and random!
Ok so I have been in mild pain the past couple of days from my friggin pump. I.Am.Never...... sticking the pump in my ass again. It hurts. I don't care that it has a tonne of fat there, the idea of putting a needle in my arse wasn't glamorous in the first place. But other diabetics said it was comfy and my poor thighs and belly have have enough pokes. So maybe that was TMI but it really is a pain in the butt. And it was driving me.
Maybe I'll go and get a mini blizzard now, add some fat to my ass I suppose xP
Ciao!!!
Maybe I'll go and get a mini blizzard now, add some fat to my ass I suppose xP
Ciao!!!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
March 25, 2012
Hey
Well I suppose some sort of an update is in order :)
Not much has changed too much. I've felt better because in my mind i've started eating alot more. Whether that is the case or not, I'm kind of half afraid to analyze it. It's like theres a constant voice or something or my mind is giving me a few days break but saying it's not staying like this. You will watch what you eat. It's like i'm giving myself some responsibility but if I give myself too much space then it will step back in. I confuse myself half the time so I don't expect anyone or understand or try and figure out what my fucked up mind has in store for me. It's like yes i'm doing "better" but a part of me wants to go back feeling miserable so I can like punish myself. I really don't know why, because I hated feeling like that. But Like I said before I got 11 shifts now for the next month working. So I need to start eating more.
Everyday I feel like purging but I don't allow myself to. I know i'm strong willed and stubborn and I can beat this. But I get in these really really low moods and then my stubbornness uses itself for the worst, to feed the negativeness and it's near impossible to reason with me.
But on the positive side I'm tyring to eat and it's worked out for the past week or so :) Despite my high sugars.
Oh another thing! Strange and totally irrelevant but I woke up last night after hauling my pump out of my side. I actually ripped the thing out of me. Why? No flipping idea but it scared the crap out of the conscious me! I'm a dangerous sleeper :P
Well gonna go and do something with this day I suppose! Going to see the hunger games with my sister :) Hopefully it's a good movie because it's long LOL
I'm out!
Ciao!
Well I suppose some sort of an update is in order :)
Not much has changed too much. I've felt better because in my mind i've started eating alot more. Whether that is the case or not, I'm kind of half afraid to analyze it. It's like theres a constant voice or something or my mind is giving me a few days break but saying it's not staying like this. You will watch what you eat. It's like i'm giving myself some responsibility but if I give myself too much space then it will step back in. I confuse myself half the time so I don't expect anyone or understand or try and figure out what my fucked up mind has in store for me. It's like yes i'm doing "better" but a part of me wants to go back feeling miserable so I can like punish myself. I really don't know why, because I hated feeling like that. But Like I said before I got 11 shifts now for the next month working. So I need to start eating more.
Everyday I feel like purging but I don't allow myself to. I know i'm strong willed and stubborn and I can beat this. But I get in these really really low moods and then my stubbornness uses itself for the worst, to feed the negativeness and it's near impossible to reason with me.
But on the positive side I'm tyring to eat and it's worked out for the past week or so :) Despite my high sugars.
Oh another thing! Strange and totally irrelevant but I woke up last night after hauling my pump out of my side. I actually ripped the thing out of me. Why? No flipping idea but it scared the crap out of the conscious me! I'm a dangerous sleeper :P
Well gonna go and do something with this day I suppose! Going to see the hunger games with my sister :) Hopefully it's a good movie because it's long LOL
I'm out!
Ciao!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
March 22, 2012
Hey
Soooo today I woke up and weighed 123 lbs. Yupp lost 2 lbs in one day. Always fun stuff so i've been trying all day to eat alittle bit more so hopefully I can bring it to 125lbs. Who knows it's a freaking see-saw affect I have goin' on.
Anyways off the weight :P
I have 4 shifts for the next 2 weeks :) the 28th -30th and 3rd-5th!!! At an elementary school! Seeing that I didn't get the job at being an easter bunny and i'm missing out on having little kids sit on my lap... JK I'm not a pedo!!!!! Alittle bit of a playful silly mood today :) Nice to have back once in a while.
Well wanted to bring some happiness to this gloomy blog!OH OH and I'm dyeing all my hair Dark mocha brown- Right now! Getting rid of the blonde and i'm going to restrain myself from cutting my hair until july :) Going to let it grow abit!
Ciao!!!!!!!
Soooo today I woke up and weighed 123 lbs. Yupp lost 2 lbs in one day. Always fun stuff so i've been trying all day to eat alittle bit more so hopefully I can bring it to 125lbs. Who knows it's a freaking see-saw affect I have goin' on.
Anyways off the weight :P
I have 4 shifts for the next 2 weeks :) the 28th -30th and 3rd-5th!!! At an elementary school! Seeing that I didn't get the job at being an easter bunny and i'm missing out on having little kids sit on my lap... JK I'm not a pedo!!!!! Alittle bit of a playful silly mood today :) Nice to have back once in a while.
Well wanted to bring some happiness to this gloomy blog!OH OH and I'm dyeing all my hair Dark mocha brown- Right now! Getting rid of the blonde and i'm going to restrain myself from cutting my hair until july :) Going to let it grow abit!
Ciao!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
March 21 2nd part, 2012
Hey again
Ok so this morning I kinda just flat out had many brains farts back to back. I don't even think it made complete sense to me. What I do know is it pretty much ruined my day ( not my blog post what misses said and how my brain went into full attack with it).
It's like so weird how I can react so differently but feel the same way. Like when I was having my low low times a few weeks back I was miserable most of the time. Nowwww I'm trying to eat and I feel abit up but I still have this thoughts constantly. All the time. About 60-70% of today I've thought about how ugly I was and how fat and how I could possibly make myself more ugly. I couldn't come up with anything long term. I've thought about cutting my face up at least 6-7 different times day, I didn't. I've thought about burning my face with the straightener, or lighting a piece of wood or something on fire and just plastering it to my face full force.
And Like I don't want to do these things and live. Obviously none of these is severe enough to kill me but like I don't know!
I don't know anything I'm too indecisive. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm going to re-join nursing and successfully finish but it's just not there. The power the give to do it. It's like my minds is telling me you know your not making it to September right, My 19th just seems soo unrealistic to me. It's like my mind has already given up, I want to give up, but I know the way I want to go. I don't want a possibility i'll die I want a for sure answer. I could O.D on insulin...anytime but with my luck i'd survive it and I don't want help.
I keep saying this over and over and like i'm getting sick of it.
I don't have it in me.. I don't knwo what I want to be, actually I don't wanna be anything. Going back to my last point. I don't know if I really wanna seek help. I don't wanna burden anyone. And it seems like everyone is against me lately. It's a constant battle that I don't wanna fight.
Anyways i'm done with this for tonight! I really needs to have it in me to delete the damn facebook and cut myself off from people.
Ciao
Ok so this morning I kinda just flat out had many brains farts back to back. I don't even think it made complete sense to me. What I do know is it pretty much ruined my day ( not my blog post what misses said and how my brain went into full attack with it).
It's like so weird how I can react so differently but feel the same way. Like when I was having my low low times a few weeks back I was miserable most of the time. Nowwww I'm trying to eat and I feel abit up but I still have this thoughts constantly. All the time. About 60-70% of today I've thought about how ugly I was and how fat and how I could possibly make myself more ugly. I couldn't come up with anything long term. I've thought about cutting my face up at least 6-7 different times day, I didn't. I've thought about burning my face with the straightener, or lighting a piece of wood or something on fire and just plastering it to my face full force.
And Like I don't want to do these things and live. Obviously none of these is severe enough to kill me but like I don't know!
I don't know anything I'm too indecisive. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm going to re-join nursing and successfully finish but it's just not there. The power the give to do it. It's like my minds is telling me you know your not making it to September right, My 19th just seems soo unrealistic to me. It's like my mind has already given up, I want to give up, but I know the way I want to go. I don't want a possibility i'll die I want a for sure answer. I could O.D on insulin...anytime but with my luck i'd survive it and I don't want help.
I keep saying this over and over and like i'm getting sick of it.
I don't have it in me.. I don't knwo what I want to be, actually I don't wanna be anything. Going back to my last point. I don't know if I really wanna seek help. I don't wanna burden anyone. And it seems like everyone is against me lately. It's a constant battle that I don't wanna fight.
Anyways i'm done with this for tonight! I really needs to have it in me to delete the damn facebook and cut myself off from people.
Ciao
March 21, 2012
Hey
Ok I don't get it how people can be soo mean. Well I can't say i'm perfect and i've definitely had my share of being mean, but I've never directly pointed out to someone that they were ugly. Never! Unless they were being mean to me when I was younger or just kidding with my friends, but I have never went up to some girl or boy and said your really freaking ugly.
But I have on several lots of occasions gotten that. I've had my cousin come straight up to my face and call me a fat cow. I've been picked on since I was younger about my ugly appearance. Then I had people in my defensive always reassuring me that I was beautiful and that they were jealous. Ok cut it out now. I'm older and I don't need people to keep commenting on my appearance. Saying i'm beautiful just to boost the little self esteem I have. Ok I see myself in the mirror, I see my fugly face, the fat rolls everwhere. I'm in no definition beautiful or pretty or that. The funny thing is people can call me whatever...ugly, fat but their words don't directly impact me so much. It's my own mind and thinking that tears me down.
I'm never gonna be a model i've faced that. Mom said when I was younger I was too big to be a model. She can deny it now all she wants but she said it, whether she was mad or just stating the truth. She said it. I'll re-allborate more later have to go! Ciao!
Ok I don't get it how people can be soo mean. Well I can't say i'm perfect and i've definitely had my share of being mean, but I've never directly pointed out to someone that they were ugly. Never! Unless they were being mean to me when I was younger or just kidding with my friends, but I have never went up to some girl or boy and said your really freaking ugly.
But I have on s
I'm never gonna be a model i've faced that. Mom said when I was younger I was too big to be a model. She can deny it now all she wants but she said it, whether she was mad or just stating the truth. She said it. I'll re-allborate more later have to go! Ciao!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Photoshoot
Hey!
So the other day I had my first photoshoot. Why does this feel like a deja vu moment? If I mentioned this before I'm stund and can't remember so here it is again. I knwo I have 2 blogs one for pics and videos and this is for writing. But i'm going to add a couple pics of the photoshoot here too :)
I'm obviously is no way shape or form a model in no means. This was for fun and me and my friend took the pictures :) We took all these pics by ice!!!! Beautiful!
So the other day I had my first photoshoot. Why does this feel like a deja vu moment? If I mentioned this before I'm stund and can't remember so here it is again. I knwo I have 2 blogs one for pics and videos and this is for writing. But i'm going to add a couple pics of the photoshoot here too :)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Weight!
Hey!
So mom has finally took a positive step into helping me with my eating/weight issues.
Not that she wasn't helping before but telling me to eating and removing the snackable foods I like was not a good option. What I'd do was eat a few chips and skip meals so she threatened to take those foods out.
On to the positive step! She has bought me a working scale yesterday! But it had terms.
I recently had a an appt with the team where I lost 6lbs in 3 weeks. Right. Buttt since my appt with them on March 5th? I've gained 2 pounds! I'm not completely fascinated with that because I haven't gained weight in like 2 years, i've always lost. Anyhow the rules!
1) I am to stay at 124 lbs, if I go under that I lose the scale.
2) If I am to work out, if I work out and lose weight, don't care if it wasn't on purpose I lose the scale. The purpose of this one is that I'm suppose to eat protein because I really want to tone up and build muscle :)
3) If she see's i'm eating less I lose the scale.
I know this seems silly but I need to check my weight on a regular basis....2-3 times a day I go crazy if I don't.
So its kind of like playing a game with me, I love challenges and I do not want to lose my scale. So challenge accepted :)
Ciao! :)
So mom has finally took a positive step into helping me with my eating/weight issues.
Not that she wasn't helping before but telling me to eating and removing the snackable foods I like was not a good option. What I'd do was eat a few chips and skip meals so she threatened to take those foods out.
On to the positive step! She has bought me a working scale yesterday! But it had terms.
I recently had a an appt with the team where I lost 6lbs in 3 weeks. Right. Buttt since my appt with them on March 5th? I've gained 2 pounds! I'm not completely fascinated with that because I haven't gained weight in like 2 years, i've always lost. Anyhow the rules!
1) I am to stay at 124 lbs, if I go under that I lose the scale.
2) If I am to work out, if I work out and lose weight, don't care if it wasn't on purpose I lose the scale. The purpose of this one is that I'm suppose to eat protein because I really want to tone up and build muscle :)
3) If she see's i'm eating less I lose the scale.
I know this seems silly but I need to check my weight on a regular basis....2-3 times a day I go crazy if I don't.
So its kind of like playing a game with me, I love challenges and I do not want to lose my scale. So challenge accepted :)
Ciao! :)
Friday, March 16, 2012
Havin' another moment.
Ok too much failure going on for me lately. Letttt me start listing off all the failures
Nursing- Drop-out
Kent- Denied.
3 babysitting gigs- Denied
Clothing store- Unknown
Housekeeping- more then likely denied
Tooo much failure for a short period of time.
Plus i've ditched about anyone that has pissed me off either bit at all in the past month. My 2 best friends from jr high....haven't heard from em in weeks because I got sooky and won't talk to them. Two of my ex's. And a few friends. I don't know what my mind thinks it's accomplishing by telling me this is the rational way to go because I'm starting to feel pretty shitty.
Nursing- Drop-out
Kent- Denied.
3 babysitting gigs- Denied
Clothing store- Unknown
Housekeeping- more then likely denied
Tooo much failure for a short period of time.
Plus i've ditched about anyone that has pissed me off either bit at all in the past month. My 2 best friends from jr high....haven't heard from em in weeks because I got sooky and won't talk to them. Two of my ex's. And a few friends. I don't know what my mind thinks it's accomplishing by telling me this is the rational way to go because I'm starting to feel pretty shitty.
March 16, 2012
Hey
Mornin'! Oh my what a bad time last night.
Don't ever ever ever let me even think about going downtown with that girl ever again. Worst time ever.
I'll start off the night i suppose, not even getting into how i spend the day with her. oh my!
Well we went to sirens first, Which is a strip club. Fine, It wasn't the best night there but she didn't bring any money/or very little and we kept going in the bathroom so she could drink some wine. She got drunk off like 1/2 1 litre.....Easy drunk. She was loaded! She was groping me and touching me, tried to make-out with me on a couch until we got told off by the waitress. That was ok to an extent. I was only after havin a Whiskey sour and 2 shots of tequila So i was pretty stable. So then we went on the hunt for another place to get into. Her being fucking drunk decided to pick the one place downtown that I was sure to get i'd at. Strickiest place in town for i'd. But luckily I got in no problem! That is when it started to get bad. She was really all over the place, slurring words at everybody. Then I tried to bring her to coat check and she ditched me! Left me. I was soooo pissed. She went off to get 2 beers for herself. When she finally came back to me she was acting super sooky and stuff. So I tried to get her to go to a more open place in the bar. So we found a table and then she started flipping people off, screaming at them and everything. I was trying to communicate but obviously couldn't hear. So thats when I dragged her out of the place. Ok I'm like what 122lbs she was easily 160/170. People started clapping and cheering when I hauled her away. That bad.
Anyways that was prob totally unnecessary but what odds, be glad I didn't write this last night.
Now I feel like shit. I look soo fat now. Like my face is soo flabby and everything is just fat. I feel utterly sick to my stomach. I just want to take a blade to my face and just cut it all up. I'm also gonna try quit eating cold turkey. OK that prob wouldn't work but it I don't i'm just going to end up purging. Today is going to be fun. I think I'm still a tad drunk/ or maybe thats a hangover. It's giving me a headache though. And like I only have 5 hrs of sleep, and it felt like I was awake the whole time.
Mornin'! Oh my what a bad time last night.
Don't ever ever ever let me even think about going downtown with that girl ever again. Worst time ever.
I'll start off the night i suppose, not even getting into how i spend the day with her. oh my!
Well we went to sirens first, Which is a strip club. Fine, It wasn't the best night there but she didn't bring any money/or very little and we kept going in the bathroom so she could drink some wine. She got drunk off like 1/2 1 litre.....Easy drunk. She was loaded! She was groping me and touching me, tried to make-out with me on a couch until we got told off by the waitress. That was ok to an extent. I was only after havin a Whiskey sour and 2 shots of tequila So i was pretty stable. So then we went on the hunt for another place to get into. Her being fucking drunk decided to pick the one place downtown that I was sure to get i'd at. Strickiest place in town for i'd. But luckily I got in no problem! That is when it started to get bad. She was really all over the place, slurring words at everybody. Then I tried to bring her to coat check and she ditched me! Left me. I was soooo pissed. She went off to get 2 beers for herself. When she finally came back to me she was acting super sooky and stuff. So I tried to get her to go to a more open place in the bar. So we found a table and then she started flipping people off, screaming at them and everything. I was trying to communicate but obviously couldn't hear. So thats when I dragged her out of the place. Ok I'm like what 122lbs she was easily 160/170. People started clapping and cheering when I hauled her away. That bad.
Anyways that was prob totally unnecessary but what odds, be glad I didn't write this last night.
Now I feel like shit. I look soo fat now. Like my face is soo flabby and everything is just fat. I feel utterly sick to my stomach. I just want to take a blade to my face and just cut it all up. I'm also gonna try quit eating cold turkey. OK that prob wouldn't work but it I don't i'm just going to end up purging. Today is going to be fun. I think I'm still a tad drunk/ or maybe thats a hangover. It's giving me a headache though. And like I only have 5 hrs of sleep, and it felt like I was awake the whole time.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Complete freak out mode.
Hey
Ok so I was extremely stupid last night. When out to supper planning to have a small salad and have a desert. That didn't go as planned. I had 3 slice of small pizza. Then I have a S'mores Pizza. There was layers and layers of chocolate and marshmellows and sugar sugar sugars fat fat fat fat. I feeel Like shit. This happened at around 8 last night. I still feeel extremely sick! Like going to be my sugars were 15mmol High. I was throwing up in my mouth for an hour after I got home but I couldn't throw up because everyone was around. I feeel like I've gained like 10 lbs from this. I'm soo bloated and I lost what I worked so hard to achieve and all I see is fat! I think I'm going to take a super long walk and not eat. I'll eat when i'm soo low and tired that I can't function, until then I'm going to freak out. Like I really just want to sit here and bawl. Don't know why, it isn't gonna accomplish anything.
Anyways i'm gonna go die from over stuffin myself last night.. ok not really gonna die...Just feeels that way.
Ciao
Ok so I was extremely stupid last night. When out to supper planning to have a small salad and have a desert. That didn't go as planned. I had 3 slice of small pizza. Then I have a S'mores Pizza. There was layers and layers of chocolate and marshmellows and sugar sugar sugars fat fat fat fat. I feeel Like shit. This happened at around 8 last night. I still feeel extremely sick! Like going to be my sugars were 15mmol High. I was throwing up in my mouth for an hour after I got home but I couldn't throw up because everyone was around. I feeel like I've gained like 10 lbs from this. I'm soo bloated and I lost what I worked so hard to achieve and all I see is fat! I think I'm going to take a super long walk and not eat. I'll eat when i'm soo low and tired that I can't function, until then I'm going to freak out. Like I really just want to sit here and bawl. Don't know why, it isn't gonna accomplish anything.
Anyways i'm gonna go die from over stuffin myself last night.. ok not really gonna die...Just feeels that way.
Ciao
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
March 13 even though its technically the 14th
Hey!
So i'm writing a blog at this very moment to get the mind off the fact that I wanna puke. Partly my fault. Graham crackers do no taste good with whipped peanut butter! Just don't want to trigger anything :)
Well today has been a very good day! until now LOL but thats fine, i'm cranky and tired. I'll start from the beginning
I woke up and told myself I wasn't going to eat because I wasn't hungry. But I seen some really good food ideas on tumblr so I got off my butt and got the motivation to make a full breakfast for myself! It consisted of 2 eggs- added some spice to it LOL and Hashbrowns with the same spice! Then I thawed out some strawberries and blueberries! and added 1/2 cup of almond milk :D Here's a pic!
Sooo proud of it! Thats abig Normal size plate!
Ate every bit of it!
Well after that amazing Breakfast I decided to clean up the house big time. It looked awesome until the family came home. Now it's all messed up. Hard works goes unnoticed. I made it known though that they hurt my feelings and stuff! So I got take-out. I can be such a brat sometimes. But we got the take-out because we don't get to eat out friday because moms working so :P
That was good :)
Then I went and seen Lorax with my sister! Pretty awesome movie!!!!! We were the only 2 people in the theatre! hahahah So I let out very loud obnoxious laughs throughout the movie because well I could! And it was fun annoying the shit out my sister. For her embarrassment we sat in the very back row ! Hahaha she was soo embarrassed that I had to get up and get her drink because she couldn't bring herself to go back in the theatre if she left! I though It was cute! Heheh " Like photosynthesis!!" LOL died at that part. Don't know why. Easily amused I suppose! I wanted to just cuddle pipsqueak!
So pretty decent day!
Plus a dream I had last night kind of gave my mind the message of H. Like it was the first time I ever had a dream with her in it and well we fought and got things out and now my mind has like totally cooled done from the idea of her. Instantly overnight it's crazy. Obv not totally because thats prob going to be impossible but like it's like My mind got a kick in the arse last night :) Kind of relieving in a way. So I think I've finally accepted the idea we aren't going to work, Sad though that we aren't friends :) But I don't think I could like her as a friend. I think i'd like her way more than that. Anyways :)
I feel better, absolutely exhausted! So i'll give my brain some sleep and then i'm up bright and early tomorrow so I can volunteer :D Yay!
Well night munchigans! :D omg fireflies just came on, haven't heard that song in forever!
Night xx ciao! or mornin' :S :P
So i'm writing a blog at this very moment to get the mind off the fact that I wanna puke. Partly my fault. Graham crackers do no taste good with whipped peanut butter! Just don't want to trigger anything :)
Well today has been a very good day! until now LOL but thats fine, i'm cranky and tired. I'll start from the beginning
Sooo proud of it! Thats a
Ate every bit of it!
Well after that amazing Breakfast I decided to clean up the house big time. It looked awesome until the family came home. Now it's all messed up. Hard works goes unnoticed. I made it known though that they hurt my feelings and stuff! So I got take-out. I can be such a brat sometimes. But we got the take-out because we don't get to eat out friday because moms working so :P
That was good :)
Then I went and seen Lorax with my sister! Pretty awesome movie!!!!! We were the only 2 people in the theatre! hahahah So I let out very loud obnoxious laughs throughout the movie because well I could! And it was fun annoying the shit out my sister. For her embarrassment we sat in the very back row ! Hahaha she was soo embarrassed that I had to get up and get her drink because she couldn't bring herself to go back in the theatre if she left! I though It was cute! Heheh " Like photosynthesis!!" LOL died at that part. Don't know why. Easily amused I suppose! I wanted to just cuddle pipsqueak!
So pretty decent day!
Plus a dream I had last night kind of gave my mind the message of H. Like it was the first time I ever had a dream with her in it and well we fought and got things out and now my mind has like totally cooled done from the idea of her. Instantly overnight it's crazy. Obv not totally because thats prob going to be impossible but like it's like My mind got a kick in the arse last night :) Kind of relieving in a way. So I think I've finally accepted the idea we aren't going to work, Sad though that we aren't friends :) But I don't think I could like her as a friend. I think i'd like her way more than that. Anyways :)
I feel better, absolutely exhausted! So i'll give my brain some sleep and then i'm up bright and early tomorrow so I can volunteer :D Yay!
Well night munchigans! :D omg fireflies just came on, haven't heard that song in forever!
Night xx ciao! or mornin' :S :P
Monday, March 12, 2012
March 12, 2012
Hey!
Soo I've been feeling a tad less depressed the past couple of days which is good.
But I still can't get over H. Like my head is messed up. I feel like running back and saying sorry for all the mean things I said because I didn't mean those last words I said. What I said was really harsh. I was extremely hurt and believe me I don't let myself forget what I said, I beat myself up over it 24/7. Trying to forget is really hard.
Anyways other than my insanity! I have no been able to keep food out of my mouth all day. I've had either diet pop or crackers in my mouth all day. It's actually crazy. I'm going to gain all my weight back! Like I totally gained 5 lbs in the past 2 days! Not even cool. But at the same time I'm like why do I feel a need to be super thin. And it's not even that. I don't want super skinny legs that if I took a step i'd break em. I want a small waist and reasonable sized thighs and sort ofsmall toned arms. And I always wanted to see the muscle on the back of my ankle and now I do. I can see my shoulder blades too, whereas before I couldn't. But I really don't want to lose anymore weight. All my clothes fit me weird, they are all too baggy and I have no bust at all went from a B-A :(.
I still think i'm fat though. Even though I take xs-s in tops and 3 and 5 in jeans. I'm not trying to show off to anyone saying oh look i'm smaller than you! I just want to feel comfortable and not have to look in my reflection and feel disgusted with myself. I constantly have my arm over my stomach because I think it bulges and I don't want people making fun of me. Oh my the insecurities!
Can't say i'm like that all the time though. Sometimes...not often but I feel like i'm sooo skinny and I kind of flaunt it for abit. It's short lived. Because even if I wear the tightest and shortest dress and I get compliments, my mind still tells me to suck in everytime I walk in front of people ...and I do. It's become second nature and it's soo strange!
And you know how t.v shows the girls are like to their friends Do this make me look fat and you the viewer are like " Really bitch your a size 0 shut the fuck up your gorgeous and tiny as a toothpick" Ok maybe thats just me LOL Anyhowwww! I was trying on a dress this summer and I loved it! So I walked out of the dressing room into the store to show my mom and the girl working and a few customers just stopped and stared. Thats all they did! So I got really freaked out and was like "Omg mom does this make me look fat" Without even thinking it just came out of my mouth! And the girl in one of the dressing rooms came out and was like " Hunnie that dress does not make you look fat ok? " It was just the tone she used like I said before, Like omg I can't believe you said that tone. Kind of emotionless thinking that I was saying it because I just wanted people to tell me how I looked to boost my self esteem. No no I thought I was fat! I legit thought people were staring thinking oh my god who does she think she is trying to wear that dress! Anyhow the dress was a size 2 <-- totally irrelevant, It's an aqua 1950's dress :) Beautiful dress!
There I go again on another rant! Kind of just took off!
Whew! Maybe I should post a picture :)
I will if I can find it!
Well thats enough today. even though I didnt even get to saying I had 3 people call me for an interview in one day. Yupp!!!! Anyways thats enough!
Ciao!
Soo I've been feeling a tad less depressed the past couple of days which is good.
But I still can't get over H. Like my head is messed up. I feel like running back and saying sorry for all the mean things I said because I didn't mean those last words I said. What I said was really harsh. I was extremely hurt and believe me I don't let myself forget what I said, I beat myself up over it 24/7. Trying to forget is really hard.
Anyways other than my insanity! I have no been able to keep food out of my mouth all day. I've had either diet pop or crackers in my mouth all day. It's actually crazy. I'm going to gain all my weight back! Like I totally gained 5 lbs in the past 2 days! Not even cool. But at the same time I'm like why do I feel a need to be super thin. And it's not even that. I don't want super skinny legs that if I took a step i'd break em. I want a small waist and reasonable sized thighs and sort of
I still think i'm fat though. Even though I take xs-s in tops and 3 and 5 in jeans. I'm not trying to show off to anyone saying oh look i'm smaller than you! I just want to feel comfortable and not have to look in my reflection and feel disgusted with myself. I constantly have my arm over my stomach because I think it bulges and I don't want people making fun of me. Oh my the insecurities!
Can't say i'm like that all the time though. Sometimes...not often but I feel like i'm sooo skinny and I kind of flaunt it for abit. It's short lived. Because even if I wear the tightest and shortest dress and I get compliments, my mind still tells me to suck in everytime I walk in front of people ...and I do. It's become second nature and it's soo strange!
And you know how t.v shows the girls are like to their friends Do this make me look fat and you the viewer are like " Really bitch your a size 0 shut the fuck up your gorgeous and tiny as a toothpick" Ok maybe thats just me LOL Anyhowwww! I was trying on a dress this summer and I loved it! So I walked out of the dressing room into the store to show my mom and the girl working and a few customers just stopped and stared. Thats all they did! So I got really freaked out and was like "Omg mom does this make me look fat" Without even thinking it just came out of my mouth! And the girl in one of the dressing rooms came out and was like " Hunnie that dress does not make you look fat ok? " It was just the tone she used like I said before, Like omg I can't believe you said that tone. Kind of emotionless thinking that I was saying it because I just wanted people to tell me how I looked to boost my self esteem. No no I thought I was fat! I legit thought people were staring thinking oh my god who does she think she is trying to wear that dress! Anyhow the dress was a size 2 <-- totally irrelevant, It's an aqua 1950's dress :) Beautiful dress!
There I go again on another rant! Kind of just took off!
Whew! Maybe I should post a picture :)
I will if I can find it!
Well thats enough today. even though I didnt even get to saying I had 3 people call me for an interview in one day. Yupp!!!! Anyways thats enough!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Soo my mouth is always getting me into trouble.
I hate it when I feel a need to blurt out these unrational feelings when i'm mad. Like obviously I wouldn't say something I didn't mean, but I tend to say really harsh and hurtful things when I'm hurt. I hate to cut anybody out of my life no matter how hard I want to. And cutting someone out doesn't make these feelings stop. I think I made a bad decision in saying I could just cut you out and forget about you. Because I really don't.
I'm like this with everything. Like if I really like something I express my feeling to the fullest at that time. Or if I want something vice versa. I'm very spontaneous about things and I don't think. And I usually accept the consequences. But I don't like this particular consequence so much. I know how I said I hate my father. Like I don't want anything to do with him, I could care less if he was here or not. But yet I do care to a degree I suppose. If he was actually gone then I think I would have some remorse over the things I said. I think.
To everybody I must seem like a crazy ex gf. I prob am who knows. But it's hard to explain things when you only get part of the message. So I can go on and on about oh she isn't talking to me because of the way I feel about myself and to say the bare minimum because I promised I wouldn't say anything.
Ok this is what I don't get.
We met online Jan.23 I do believe. Pretty good. Chatted back and forth sparsely for a few days. Then constantly for about a week till we were officially Gf/Gf Jan.30.
I got out of nursing officially Feb 1 was my last day. Unfortunate! We were still good texting each other good morning and good night and everything like we had since we started chatting.
Then on Feb 10 everything seemed to get weird. I remember this because it was the night me her and her friend got our belly buttons pierced. Nothing happened bad happened to us specifically. Anyways she went 2 or 3 days with texting me a word. Like I was use to her going 6-8 hrs without texting me because she had work and I got that. But that was so strange and ever since then she was really distant from me. So the times we hung out after that I thought things went good. But texting wise she didn't seem interested. So I was constantly worried about her, did she like me, did she care? All these thoughts. And like she went on her pof everyday. I have no right to say what she went on and how much she did but thats not what bugged me. We met on this dating site and I was after changing my status to uninterested but she never changed hers. And like its one thing to go on and check messages but if people didn't know you weren't single?? Then yeah. This and still is making me sooo confused.
I get I was a downer because of how I felt. But at least I was honest. I could have hid it. But I cared enough to let her know. And why did she things start off strong then fade really fast. Like something def happened on the 10th. Had to but I just don't know what. I'm trying to analyze all the possibilities on both of our sides but I don't get it.
Once my mind accepts a challenge it don't let go easily. Plus the fact I let myself care and depend on someone to.
Maybe one of these days it will come to me. Maybe the answer will come.
I'm like this with everything. Like if I really like something I express my feeling to the fullest at that time. Or if I want something vice versa. I'm very spontaneous about things and I don't think. And I usually accept the consequences. But I don't like this particular consequence so much. I know how I said I hate my father. Like I don't want anything to do with him, I could care less if he was here or not. But yet I do care to a degree I suppose. If he was actually gone then I think I would have some remorse over the things I said. I think.
To everybody I must seem like a crazy ex gf. I prob am who knows. But it's hard to explain things when you only get part of the message. So I can go on and on about oh she isn't talking to me because of the way I feel about myself and to say the bare minimum because I promised I wouldn't say anything.
Ok this is what I don't get.
We met online Jan.23 I do believe. Pretty good. Chatted back and forth sparsely for a few days. Then constantly for about a week till we were officially Gf/Gf Jan.30.
I got out of nursing officially Feb 1 was my last day. Unfortunate! We were still good texting each other good morning and good night and everything like we had since we started chatting.
Then on Feb 10 everything seemed to get weird. I remember this because it was the night me her and her friend got our belly buttons pierced. Nothing happened bad happened to us specifically. Anyways she went 2 or 3 days with texting me a word. Like I was use to her going 6-8 hrs without texting me because she had work and I got that. But that was so strange and ever since then she was really distant from me. So the times we hung out after that I thought things went good. But texting wise she didn't seem interested. So I was constantly worried about her, did she like me, did she care? All these thoughts. And like she went on her pof everyday. I have no right to say what she went on and how much she did but thats not what bugged me. We met on this dating site and I was after changing my status to uninterested but she never changed hers. And like its one thing to go on and check messages but if people didn't know you weren't single?? Then yeah. This and still is making me sooo confused.
I get I was a downer because of how I felt. But at least I was honest. I could have hid it. But I cared enough to let her know. And why did she things start off strong then fade really fast. Like something def happened on the 10th. Had to but I just don't know what. I'm trying to analyze all the possibilities on both of our sides but I don't get it.
Once my mind accepts a challenge it don't let go easily. Plus the fact I let myself care and depend on someone to.
Maybe one of these days it will come to me. Maybe the answer will come.
Friday, March 9, 2012
March 9, 2012
Hey
So today was pretty busy! I love it when i'm busy, gives me no time to sit and think!
So I took a super long walk with my sister from the park back to our house. Left 350 never got home till 530. Had to give the dog a bath because he was a bloody mess! Fulll of mud! Then by the time i finished that I needed to go to the mall so we had 5 min to sit down and we were out again running for the bus. Hung out at the mall did some shopping with my sister till 830 then got home. I'm pooped!
While we were at the mall I decided to be nice and buy ice-cream and split it between us. So whe asked the misses for an extra spoon, So I was like "awww your some sweet, you don't want me catching the flu from ya" To which she replied " No I just don't wanna eat after with your spoon" The cashier let out the biggest BAHA ever. Wow thanks LOL That is when I called my sister a bitch. This is relevant because people are always on my case about me omitting "bad" words. I refuse to say them. So i say the A-word and so on. So when I called her a bitch it caught her completely offguard....Sooo flipping hilarious, I should have gotten a picture of her face. I don't think she knew whether to be offended or proud. I only said that because I was extremely irritable and tired and I didn't wanna use my filter LOL.
Soooo
Tomorrow willl be another busy day. YAY! Job fair in the a.m. Shopping dt after that! Then movie in the p.m!
I'm going to be to exhausted to think. Just the way I love to be :)
Well ttyl!
Ciao!
So today was pretty busy! I love it when i'm busy, gives me no time to sit and think!
So I took a super long walk with my sister from the park back to our house. Left 350 never got home till 530. Had to give the dog a bath because he was a bloody mess! Fulll of mud! Then by the time i finished that I needed to go to the mall so we had 5 min to sit down and we were out again running for the bus. Hung out at the mall did some shopping with my sister till 830 then got home. I'm pooped!
While we were at the mall I decided to be nice and buy ice-cream and split it between us. So whe asked the misses for an extra spoon, So I was like "awww your some sweet, you don't want me catching the flu from ya" To which she replied " No I just don't wanna eat after with your spoon" The cashier let out the biggest BAHA ever. Wow thanks LOL That is when I called my sister a bitch. This is relevant because people are always on my case about me omitting "bad" words. I refuse to say them. So i say the A-word and so on. So when I called her a bitch it caught her completely offguard....Sooo flipping hilarious, I should have gotten a picture of her face. I don't think she knew whether to be offended or proud. I only said that because I was extremely irritable and tired and I didn't wanna use my filter LOL.
Soooo
Tomorrow willl be another busy day. YAY! Job fair in the a.m. Shopping dt after that! Then movie in the p.m!
I'm going to be to exhausted to think. Just the way I love to be :)
Well ttyl!
Ciao!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
March 8, 2012
Hey!
Ok so today started off pretty bad. Not make matters worse, but I was home alone all day to.
So I really thought about my plan. Thats all that needs to be said there, because I'm not reveling it so it can be pushed to a halt.
Other than havin' an extremely shitty day I went out to supper with my sister and my favorite pregnant cousin!
Went to Jungle Jims and won super super nachos! Awesome shared that then each of us got our own seperate meal on top of that andddd thennn we all shared a deep fried cheesecake. The service was horrible but the food was pretty decent! We waddled out of there pretty happy ducklings...besides the bad saucy service we got.
Now at this very moment i'm fighting the urge to not go into the bathroom and throw my guts up. I'm soo close to just sticking my fingers down my throat not caring that my whole family will see. But after this feeling passes, which I don't think it will... I'm doing 5 sets of 20 sit-ups. Needless to say i'm not going to be eating for a while.
Can't wait Grey's anatomy comes on tonight tooo! Law and Order too? or is that Tuesday....gods knows LOL I'm watching something!
Ok gone to do something!
Ciao!
Ok so today started off pretty bad. Not make matters worse, but I was home alone all day to.
So I really thought about my plan. Thats all that needs to be said there, because I'm not reveling it so it can be pushed to a halt.
Other than havin' an extremely shitty day I went out to supper with my sister and my favorite pregnant cousin!
Went to Jungle Jims and won super super nachos! Awesome shared that then each of us got our own seperate meal on top of that andddd thennn we all shared a deep fried cheesecake. The service was horrible but the food was pretty decent! We waddled out of there pretty happy ducklings...besides the bad saucy service we got.
Now at this very moment i'm fighting the urge to not go into the bathroom and throw my guts up. I'm soo close to just sticking my fingers down my throat not caring that my whole family will see. But after this feeling passes, which I don't think it will... I'm doing 5 sets of 20 sit-ups. Needless to say i'm not going to be eating for a while.
Can't wait Grey's anatomy comes on tonight tooo! Law and Order too? or is that Tuesday....gods knows LOL I'm watching something!
Ok gone to do something!
Ciao!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
March 7, 2012
Hey
Soo my brilliant idea of getting better is just starting to sound more fucked up to me. What odds I'll try.
Just finished watching the virgin suicides...pretty decent movie :) This has been an overall boring ass day.
Oh oh and to top this off I got an email back from kent. They aren't interested in hiring me at this time. Maybe it was that damn math test..Who knows maybe it's me in general who wants to hire an unstable shy teenager who would be of no benefit to them. And the thoughts come back. Nice to see you back again not.
On top of my awesome idea to cut the negative people out of my life. Which is pretty much everyone really. So In the past 4 days I've rejected about 7 or 8 plans. Why you want to hang out with me? because your bored and because its for your own sanity? How about when I made plans with you and you dropped them like they were nothing. I'm sorry but I can't hang out with you if you couldn't hang out with me that one time I needed you to. To this i'm referring to alison. So what i'm really doing to get better is to eat/isolate myself from people because theres only one god damn person I want to talk to or hang out with and I can't. You better know who you flipping are! And the selfishness sets back in. This is going to be a fun ride.
Ciao.
Soo my brilliant idea of getting better is just starting to sound more fucked up to me. What odds I'll try.
Just finished watching the virgin suicides...pretty decent movie :) This has been an overall boring ass day.
Oh oh and to top this off I got an email back from kent. They aren't interested in hiring me at this time. Maybe it was that damn math test..Who knows maybe it's me in general who wants to hire an unstable shy teenager who would be of no benefit to them. And the thoughts come back. Nice to see you back again not.
On top of my awesome idea to cut the negative people out of my life. Which is pretty much everyone really. So In the past 4 days I've rejected about 7 or 8 plans. Why you want to hang out with me? because your bored and because its for your own sanity? How about when I made plans with you and you dropped them like they were nothing. I'm sorry but I can't hang out with you if you couldn't hang out with me that one time I needed you to. To this i'm referring to alison. So what i'm really doing to get better is to eat/isolate myself from people because theres only one god damn person I want to talk to or hang out with and I can't. You better know who you flipping are! And the selfishness sets back in. This is going to be a fun ride.
Ciao.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
My first step in the right direction. Ate a banana.
2nd got a half of a normal plate of veggies with rice :)
And toast with nutella :D
I'm going to buy some soy milk later :)
Big change from only eating half a side plate, no fruit or veggies.
So instead of recording only negative stuff here i'm going to report my achievements too :)
2nd got a half of a normal plate of veggies with rice :)
And toast with nutella :D
I'm going to buy some soy milk later :)
Big change from only eating half a side plate, no fruit or veggies.
So instead of recording only negative stuff here i'm going to report my achievements too :)
March 6th, 2012
Hey
It's funny how a mood can change drastically over a day.
Maybe it because for the first time in about a month that i've stopped the negative thinking on my own. Not with the help of cutting, or drinking. But from being around people that actually want me around.
Like when I was out today I stopped thinking everyone around me was staring at me because I was fat trying to be skinny.
But before I left the house this morning, with mom yelling at me and such I felt horrible and I really felt like I was really really fat, I just wanted to throw up the small slice of pizza I had.
Anyways back to the positive.
I felt wanted. Or I let myself actually accept it.
I try soo hard all the time to please others, put their feelings above mine. Which is good in some sense but not when it's bad. Like them telling me i'm over reacting when I'm not. It's how I feel and this is objective not subjective.
Like always trying both side of everything is exhausting to a point. So what i'm going to try and do is say how I reallly feel no matter how hurtful or how nice it is. I do say how I feel for the most part anyways but it's like I try to argue my feelings to benefit others. So Like I say i'm mad, but I say the little things that make me mad not the main thing.
I think that's why It didn't work with me and H. I always put her feelings above mine, I cared sooo much and yes I said the little things that bothered me but not the main things. Which just made us become extremely confused about one another. I know learning to like someone you tell the good and bad but it felt like the negative was always there, which made me trying to trust her extremely difficult. Then I became too clingy and got super depressed ( not because of her, just a contributing factor to everything). The timing was just really unfortunate, if only I hadn't gotten sick over the ED or diabetes would we still work or was it just the similarities were undestined to be. Who knows really.
I'm in a very decent mood right now, not to say its going to stay like this or maybe it will. Looking at everything I don't think I really want to die. I just need somebody to be there and not disappear or to only be there when it's for the good times. I need somebody that will be there for both.
As for the eating. I think I'll consider calling the ED doctor and say I'm interested in starting the program. But I really need to get in shape. Not to lose weight. But I think picking up running or just going to the gym once a week would be beneficial :)
See I'm picking life. I bet this demon of stubbornness is going to be fighting me the whole way but as long as I have people that I know I can trust, not maybe...that I KNOW I CAN TRUST I think I could start to fight this thing.
I got past the first step of admitting I have a problem. That was sooo hard even just admitting it here..I need control taken from me so I can regain it again the right way or at least in a better way.
Well whew this was alot :)Big change from this morning with a ton of F bombs and stuff.
I think if everyone can stop fighting with me negatively and fight with me to make things better then things could take a turn for the best :)
I need support though. :)
Well this is ended on a good note :)
Ciao darling's!
It's funny how a mood can change drastically over a day.
Maybe it because for the first time in about a month that i've stopped the negative thinking on my own. Not with the help of cutting, or drinking. But from being around people that actually want me around.
Like when I was out today I stopped thinking everyone around me was staring at me because I was fat trying to be skinny.
But before I left the house this morning, with mom yelling at me and such I felt horrible and I really felt like I was really really fat, I just wanted to throw up the small slice of pizza I had.
Anyways back to the positive.
I felt wanted. Or I let myself actually accept it.
I try soo hard all the time to please others, put their feelings above mine. Which is good in some sense but not when it's bad. Like them telling me i'm over reacting when I'm not. It's how I feel and this is objective not subjective.
Like always trying both side of everything is exhausting to a point. So what i'm going to try and do is say how I reallly feel no matter how hurtful or how nice it is. I do say how I feel for the most part anyways but it's like I try to argue my feelings to benefit others. So Like I say i'm mad, but I say the little things that make me mad not the main thing.
I think that's why It didn't work with me and H. I always put her feelings above mine, I cared sooo much and yes I said the little things that bothered me but not the main things. Which just made us become extremely confused about one another. I know learning to like someone you tell the good and bad but it felt like the negative was always there, which made me trying to trust her extremely difficult. Then I became too clingy and got super depressed ( not because of her, just a contributing factor to everything). The timing was just really unfortunate, if only I hadn't gotten sick over the ED or diabetes would we still work or was it just the similarities were undestined to be. Who knows really.
I'm in a very decent mood right now, not to say its going to stay like this or maybe it will. Looking at everything I don't think I really want to die. I just need somebody to be there and not disappear or to only be there when it's for the good times. I need somebody that will be there for both.
As for the eating. I think I'll consider calling the ED doctor and say I'm interested in starting the program. But I really need to get in shape. Not to lose weight. But I think picking up running or just going to the gym once a week would be beneficial :)
See I'm picking life. I bet this demon of stubbornness is going to be fighting me the whole way but as long as I have people that I know I can trust, not maybe...that I KNOW I CAN TRUST I think I could start to fight this thing.
I got past the first step of admitting I have a problem. That was sooo hard even just admitting it here..I need control taken from me so I can regain it again the right way or at least in a better way.
Well whew this was alot :)Big change from this morning with a ton of F bombs and stuff.
I think if everyone can stop fighting with me negatively and fight with me to make things better then things could take a turn for the best :)
I need support though. :)
Well this is ended on a good note :)
Ciao darling's!
March 6, 2012
Hey
Whats a wonderful way to wake up. Having mom screaming at me saying she is going to kick me out of the house.
Ok for one I'm not just sitting on my arse 24/7 I do go out 2-3 times a week to go volunteering or pass out resumes. Yes I'm currently looking for a job. Do you think thats a good enough answer? Nope because I don't have a job. Ok man how would you like it if someone was constantly hounding you to get a job when there obviously no places wanting to hire you. *sigh*
Shes like well if you don't have a job then your cleaning the house by yourself everyday. Woman years ago that was their job clean the house all day and now its your job. I can't believe she used that metaphor to me. I clean constantly! everyday! But if I live in the house with 2 other people it has to be a shared responsibility. She's like nope you do everything. Cook, clean, laundry. Like wtf. I'm not being lazy saying oh no I'm not doing that man!
She also said i'm not allowed to volunteer anymore. Ok this woman is more screwed up than I am. Volunteering is the only fucking thing that makes me happy and you want to take that away from me. And she said I am going to the hope program. I'm just going to hand you the gun right now and point it at my head.
My other option she said was to go to welfare and say how my mother kicked me out because I wouldn't get a job or clean. What A fucking prick these are her words not mine. Dude i'm on the edge. If she kicks me out i'm running away and not coming back ever. Ever as in dead ever.
Well doesn't it seem like today is going to be fucking wonderful? Can't wait.
Bye.
Whats a wonderful way to wake up. Having mom screaming at me saying she is going to kick me out of the house.
Ok for one I'm not just sitting on my arse 24/7 I do go out 2-3 times a week to go volunteering or pass out resumes. Yes I'm currently looking for a job. Do you think thats a good enough answer? Nope because I don't have a job. Ok man how would you like it if someone was constantly hounding you to get a job when there obviously no places wanting to hire you. *sigh*
Shes like well if you don't have a job then your cleaning the house by yourself everyday. Woman years ago that was their job clean the house all day and now its your job. I can't believe she used that metaphor to me. I clean constantly! everyday! But if I live in the house with 2 other people it has to be a shared responsibility. She's like nope you do everything. Cook, clean, laundry. Like wtf. I'm not being lazy saying oh no I'm not doing that man!
She also said i'm not allowed to volunteer anymore. Ok this woman is more screwed up than I am. Volunteering is the only fucking thing that makes me happy and you want to take that away from me. And she said I am going to the hope program. I'm just going to hand you the gun right now and point it at my head.
My other option she said was to go to welfare and say how my mother kicked me out because I wouldn't get a job or clean. What A fucking prick these are her words not mine. Dude i'm on the edge. If she kicks me out i'm running away and not coming back ever. Ever as in dead ever.
Well doesn't it seem like today is going to be fucking wonderful? Can't wait.
Bye.
Monday, March 5, 2012
So a recap of these past couple months.
Jan.16- Seen the ED team I was 5ft7inches tall and 128lbs. 120/60
Feb 1-7 Officially out of school.
Feb. 8 Doc checked weight 124lbs and 5ft 7.
Feb.21 Diabetes doc checked weight 124lbs 5ft 7 125/62 pulse 76 perfect.
March 5 ED team checked weight 122lbs 5ft 7. Vitals unkn But she kept asking if I was dizzy and if i was o.k
Recap of what i ate. Woke up at 0930 and ate a rice krispie bar and 125ml of water. Then I had a Granola bar at 100pm. Had a few sips of diet pop at 200pm. Supper at 400pm 5 chicken nuggets, 3/4 scooped potatoe and 1/2 cup of dressing with gravy. Finished off the diet pop bottle. had 2 small chocolates. All I had. I'm not starving myself. It's 1030pm now and I havent had anything since because i'm sick and full I suppose plus my sugars are 11mmol.
I personally am not trying to lose weight. But I do think i'm fat. I really do. Ok my ankles are small and I like my lower legs but like the top is soo huge and fatty. And my hips just have fat everywhere. Maybe I should get down to a swimsuit and just draw on my body what i like and dislike. Ahhhh maybe I should try and take an extreme step so the choice is taken out of my hands. Because I don't think i'll seek help any other way. Like with my eating, but i am reaching out for help with these thoughts. oh well I'm getting set up with someone. Don't mean to repeat myself like twice in 2 diff blogs. Good things there is an unlimited blog posting to these :)
Well Gone to watch PLL :)
Bye!
Jan.16- Seen the ED team I was 5ft7inches tall and 128lbs. 120/60
Feb 1-7 Officially out of school.
Feb. 8 Doc checked weight 124lbs and 5ft 7.
Feb.21 Diabetes doc checked weight 124lbs 5ft 7 125/62 pulse 76 perfect.
March 5 ED team checked weight 122lbs 5ft 7. Vitals unkn But she kept asking if I was dizzy and if i was o.k
Recap of what i ate. Woke up at 0930 and ate a rice krispie bar and 125ml of water. Then I had a Granola bar at 100pm. Had a few sips of diet pop at 200pm. Supper at 400pm 5 chicken nuggets, 3/4 scooped potatoe and 1/2 cup of dressing with gravy. Finished off the diet pop bottle. had 2 small chocolates. All I had. I'm not starving myself. It's 1030pm now and I havent had anything since because i'm sick and full I suppose plus my sugars are 11mmol.
I personally am not trying to lose weight. But I do think i'm fat. I really do. Ok my ankles are small and I like my lower legs but like the top is soo huge and fatty. And my hips just have fat everywhere. Maybe I should get down to a swimsuit and just draw on my body what i like and dislike. Ahhhh maybe I should try and take an extreme step so the choice is taken out of my hands. Because I don't think i'll seek help any other way. Like with my eating, but i am reaching out for help with these thoughts. oh well I'm getting set up with someone. Don't mean to repeat myself like twice in 2 diff blogs. Good things there is an unlimited blog posting to these :)
Well Gone to watch PLL :)
Bye!
March 5, 2012
Hey
Ok today did not go as well as planned. Even though my plan was that today wasn't going to go well anyhow.
Ok So I had my ED appt. They were not pleased when they weighted me and found out i lost 6 lbs since Jan.16. I got my weight checked last week and i've lost 2 lbs since then. Soo Now i'm at 122lbs. Of course my stubbornness kicked into overdrive. They said this this was an unhealthy weight. Which it isn't I have a BMI of 19.1 and the underweight for my age and height is <18.5 So there! Then they tried to argue i was underweight! Like dude. So they kept insisting that I go into the Hope thing. Not even kidding they mentioned it a gazillion times. I told them that I wasn't interested in going. Oh I should mention that the them is my doctor and this intern. Soo then during this convo I asked if the intern could leave so I could explain the other things going on. So I mentioned about my dangerous drinking moments i've had, the cutting I did at my friends party and these thoughts, but I didn't have it in me to actually say that I was doing all this so I would die, I kind of beat around the bush because I was scared. Because she wouldn't asked me straight up do you want to kill yourself because that persuading me into an answer. I would have said yes, and then I would have told them why. Anyways even after all this she still mentioned the hope thing. I agreed to talk to the therapist. That was my plan in the first place. Because I can't stand this constant rambling thoughts in my head, it's legit driving me nuts. I really don't want to go to hope and sit there for a meal and watch them watch me eat. not friggin likely. I really need to talk to someone without them leaving me. I never mentioned about my recent cut but I'm sure they seen it, king of hard not to. For some strange reason I don't regret it.
Anyways done with this rant for today!
Ciao !
Ok today did not go as well as planned. Even though my plan was that today wasn't going to go well anyhow.
Ok So I had my ED appt. They were not pleased when they weighted me and found out i lost 6 lbs since Jan.16. I got my weight checked last week and i've lost 2 lbs since then. Soo Now i'm at 122lbs. Of course my stubbornness kicked into overdrive. They said this this was an unhealthy weight. Which it isn't I have a BMI of 19.1 and the underweight for my age and height is <18.5 So there! Then they tried to argue i was underweight! Like dude. So they kept insisting that I go into the Hope thing. Not even kidding they mentioned it a gazillion times. I told them that I wasn't interested in going. Oh I should mention that the them is my doctor and this intern. Soo then during this convo I asked if the intern could leave so I could explain the other things going on. So I mentioned about my dangerous drinking moments i've had, the cutting I did at my friends party and these thoughts, but I didn't have it in me to actually say that I was doing all this so I would die, I kind of beat around the bush because I was scared. Because she wouldn't asked me straight up do you want to kill yourself because that persuading me into an answer. I would have said yes, and then I would have told them why. Anyways even after all this she still mentioned the hope thing. I agreed to talk to the therapist. That was my plan in the first place. Because I can't stand this constant rambling thoughts in my head, it's legit driving me nuts. I really don't want to go to hope and sit there for a meal and watch them watch me eat. not friggin likely. I really need to talk to someone without them leaving me. I never mentioned about my recent cut but I'm sure they seen it, king of hard not to. For some strange reason I don't regret it.
Anyways done with this rant for today!
Ciao !
Sunday, March 4, 2012
March 4, 2012
Hey
I can't stay away from this blog, I think it's becoming my new lover LOL
So i'll def prob post again tomorrow because tomorrow is marking a special day!
Being discharged from the ED outpatient at the janeway :)
So hopefully that goes good.
As for today, well I hung out with Meghan for a bit helped her cope with her break up :) Just sat and listened :)
I think we both leaned on each other today a bit seeing were both dealing with a break-up. Speaking of I finally took the last step and sent my ex a message why I deleted her off facebook and stuff. Funny thing is I sent it on facebook, I clearly didn't think this through. Oh well!
I really wish I could say things were improving but they aren't. Oh well maybe secretly i'm seeking out for help but its like I don't want it at the same time.
Oh well I'll def have an update tomorrow :D
I really need to start a put together blog instead of these rambling things lol
Well I'll ttyl :)
Ciao
I can't stay away from this blog, I think it's becoming my new lover LOL
So i'll def prob post again tomorrow because tomorrow is marking a special day!
Being discharged from the ED outpatient at the janeway :)
So hopefully that goes good.
As for today, well I hung out with Meghan for a bit helped her cope with her break up :) Just sat and listened :)
I think we both leaned on each other today a bit seeing were both dealing with a break-up. Speaking of I finally took the last step and sent my ex a message why I deleted her off facebook and stuff. Funny thing is I sent it on facebook, I clearly didn't think this through. Oh well!
I really wish I could say things were improving but they aren't. Oh well maybe secretly i'm seeking out for help but its like I don't want it at the same time.
Oh well I'll def have an update tomorrow :D
I really need to start a put together blog instead of these rambling things lol
Well I'll ttyl :)
Ciao
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Quote timee
Your body makes you sexy. Your smile makes you pretty. But
personality makes you beautiful. ~ Marilyn Monroe
Described my ex-girlfriend perfectly.
personality makes you beautiful. ~ Marilyn Monroe
Described my ex-girlfriend perfectly.
March 3, 2012
Hey
Still here.
What a boring day! About half an hour ago I had the biggggest fit ever.
Went on a rampage on facebook. Started deleting stuff left right and center. Anddd I had another moment. Nothing says it like putting "fuck up" on yourself.
Well I've calmed down alil wee bit. 3 times i've wrote on here in 2 days. I think that may be a record! :O
So I think I may have another go at cleaning. Try to keep myself doing something..
Right now i'm in isolation mode. This mood happens extremely rarely...well now adays it does. Well the way this goes is I dont want to talk to a single god damn person. Kapesh? Yee hurt me And ya know its not like someone I hate hurting me, it's when someone I care for hurts me and I just can't handle this. So The way i'm dealing is to just let ya go. You don't need this shit from me. You don't need it in your life. So heres another opportunity and run.
Ok enough for today, may post next week. Ttyl
Ciao
Still here.
What a boring day! About half an hour ago I had the biggggest fit ever.
Went on a rampage on facebook. Started deleting stuff left right and center. Anddd I had another moment. Nothing says it like putting "fuck up" on yourself.
Well I've calmed down alil wee bit. 3 times i've wrote on here in 2 days. I think that may be a record! :O
So I think I may have another go at cleaning. Try to keep myself doing something..
Right now i'm in isolation mode. This mood happens extremely rarely...well now adays it does. Well the way this goes is I dont want to talk to a single god damn person. Kapesh? Yee hurt me And ya know its not like someone I hate hurting me, it's when someone I care for hurts me and I just can't handle this. So The way i'm dealing is to just let ya go. You don't need this shit from me. You don't need it in your life. So heres another opportunity and run.
Ok enough for today, may post next week. Ttyl
Ciao
Friday, March 2, 2012
March 2nd, 2012
Hey
Ya know it's bad when I post 2 blogs in one day :O
Ok it may be all over the place again.
Well I had plans to go dt to go dancing. Had being the word. Now it's not totally done and over with saying i'm not for sure going buttttt We are suppose to be meeting to go down at 11....which is in one minute. Have not heard from this person. Ok I kinda had a feeling today she wasn't big on going for some strange reason, but she seemed excited for the past week about going. Anyways not the reason i'm pissed. She has not had the flippin nerve to text me about it. I didn't get ready, thank god. But as far as i'm concerned now I ain't going down because I got myself worked right up. And ya know what happened last time I forced myself to go down when I wasn't in a good mood. Yeah. Not dealing with this very well atm. I legit don't get people in general. The topic in general frustrates the crap out of me. I don't get the reasoning of things unless its explained but like still then I don't understand. It's just the lying, and the dis-interest, maybe its me. I wouldn't out it against my mind to completely fuck me over. Either way if it's my mind, everybody is a liar. Nobody cares. They need that weak person to take their troubles up upon. To yell at, to hit, to abuse. And here I thought I was my own worse enemy, Well I am and i've done most of the damage, i'll just let everyone else take their last few kicks at me. Finish it off.
Soo i'm ending this blog on an extremely highly pissed off level. I'd drink but I drank it all. I'd talk , but everybody I talked to are sick of my childishness and troubles.
Soooo I can't take anymore of this tonight.
You might here from me again.
Bye
Ya know it's bad when I post 2 blogs in one day :O
Ok it may be all over the place again.
Well I had plans to go dt to go dancing. Had being the word. Now it's not totally done and over with saying i'm not for sure going buttttt We are suppose to be meeting to go down at 11....which is in one minute. Have not heard from this person. Ok I kinda had a feeling today she wasn't big on going for some strange reason, but she seemed excited for the past week about going. Anyways not the reason i'm pissed. She has not had the flippin nerve to text me about it. I didn't get ready, thank god. But as far as i'm concerned now I ain't going down because I got myself worked right up. And ya know what happened last time I forced myself to go down when I wasn't in a good mood. Yeah. Not dealing with this very well atm. I legit don't get people in general. The topic in general frustrates the crap out of me. I don't get the reasoning of things unless its explained but like still then I don't understand. It's just the lying, and the dis-interest, maybe its me. I wouldn't out it against my mind to completely fuck me over. Either way if it's my mind, everybody is a liar. Nobody cares. They need that weak person to take their troubles up upon. To yell at, to hit, to abuse. And here I thought I was my own worse enemy, Well I am and i've done most of the damage, i'll just let everyone else take their last few kicks at me. Finish it off.
Soo i'm ending this blog on an extremely highly pissed off level. I'd drink but I drank it all. I'd talk , but everybody I talked to are sick of my childishness and troubles.
Soooo I can't take anymore of this tonight.
You might here from me again.
Bye
March 2, 2012
Hey!
Just when things started to get better, I screws it up again.
Hmm Well for one, i'm being hounded everyday to get a job. I tried ok all you can do is wait. Plus being screamed at for not doing shit all. Not true at all. So me being the way I am i'm like kick me out. One day or night i'm not going to go home, I'm just going to disappear. Ok then nobody has to worry anymore.
Oh and i'm being discharged from the janeway on monday. Mudder don't think I have an eating disorder but a serious mental illness. Well fuck you. I'm not getting "help" for something I don't have. Why just because i'm becoming less care free theres somethings wrong? That i'm not afraid and I act on impulse. Well not all the time but sometimes. I never got to act stupid or silly because I was afraid. Afraid of how others will judge me. So now I don't care.
Well pretty brief with the emotions today. But i'm going dancing tonight and it should be fun :) Can't wait! Who needs liquor when ya got loud music!
Well i'm out!
Ciao!
Just when things started to get better, I screws it up again.
Hmm Well for one, i'm being hounded everyday to get a job. I tried ok all you can do is wait. Plus being screamed at for not doing shit all. Not true at all. So me being the way I am i'm like kick me out. One day or night i'm not going to go home, I'm just going to disappear. Ok then nobody has to worry anymore.
Oh and i'm being discharged from the janeway on monday. Mudder don't think I have an eating disorder but a serious mental illness. Well fuck you. I'm not getting "help" for something I don't have. Why just because i'm becoming less care free theres somethings wrong? That i'm not afraid and I act on impulse. Well not all the time but sometimes. I never got to act stupid or silly because I was afraid. Afraid of how others will judge me. So now I don't care.
Well pretty brief with the emotions today. But i'm going dancing tonight and it should be fun :) Can't wait! Who needs liquor when ya got loud music!
Well i'm out!
Ciao!
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