March 5, 2012

Hey
Ok today did not go as well as planned. Even though my plan was that today wasn't going to go well anyhow.
Ok So I had my ED appt. They were not pleased when they weighted me and found out i lost 6 lbs since Jan.16. I got my weight checked last week and i've lost 2 lbs since then. Soo Now i'm at 122lbs. Of course my stubbornness kicked into overdrive. They said this this was an unhealthy weight. Which it isn't I have a BMI of 19.1 and the underweight for my age and height is <18.5  So there! Then they tried to argue i was underweight! Like dude. So they kept insisting that I go into the Hope thing. Not even kidding they mentioned it a gazillion times. I told them that I wasn't interested in going. Oh I should mention that the them is my doctor and this intern. Soo then during this convo I asked if the intern could leave so I could explain the other things going on. So I mentioned about my dangerous drinking moments i've had, the cutting I did at my friends party and these thoughts, but I didn't have it in me to actually say that I was doing all this so I would die, I kind of beat around the bush because I was scared. Because she wouldn't asked me straight up do you want to kill yourself because that persuading me into an answer. I would have said yes, and then I would have told them why. Anyways even after all this she still mentioned the hope thing. I agreed to talk to the therapist. That was my plan in the first place. Because I can't stand this constant rambling thoughts in my head, it's legit driving me nuts.  I really don't want to go to hope and sit there for a meal and watch them watch me eat. not friggin likely. I really need to talk to someone without them leaving me. I never mentioned about my recent cut but I'm sure they seen it, king of hard not to. For some strange reason I don't regret it.
Anyways done with this rant for today!
Ciao !