March 21 2nd part, 2012

Hey again
Ok so this morning I kinda just flat out had many brains farts back to back. I don't even think it made complete sense to me. What I do know is it pretty much ruined my day ( not my blog post what misses said and how my brain went into full attack with it).
It's like so weird how I can react so differently but feel the same way. Like when I was having my low low times a few weeks back I was miserable most of the time. Nowwww I'm trying to eat and I feel abit up but I still have this thoughts constantly. All the time. About 60-70% of today I've thought about how ugly I was and how fat and how I could possibly make myself more ugly. I couldn't come up with anything long term. I've thought about cutting my face up at least 6-7 different times day, I didn't. I've thought about burning my face with the straightener, or lighting a piece of wood or something on fire and just plastering it to my face full force.
And Like I don't want to do these things and live. Obviously none of these is severe enough to kill me but like I don't know!
I don't know anything I'm too indecisive. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm going to re-join nursing and successfully finish but it's just not there. The power the give to do it. It's like my minds is telling me you know your not making it to September right, My 19th just seems soo unrealistic to me. It's like my mind has already given up, I want to give up, but I know the way I want to go. I don't want a possibility i'll die I want a for sure answer. I could O.D on insulin...anytime but with my luck i'd survive it and I don't want help.
I keep saying this over and over and like i'm getting sick of it.
I don't have it in me.. I don't knwo what I want to be, actually I don't wanna be anything. Going back to my last point. I don't know if I really wanna seek help. I don't wanna burden anyone. And it seems like everyone is against me lately. It's a constant battle that I don't wanna fight.
Anyways i'm done with this for tonight! I really needs to have it in me to delete the damn facebook and cut myself off from people.
Ciao