Soo I've been feeling a tad less depressed the past couple of days which is good.
But I still can't get over H. Like my head is messed up. I feel like running back and saying sorry for all the mean things I said because I didn't mean those last words I said. What I said was really harsh. I was extremely hurt and believe me I don't let myself forget what I said, I beat myself up over it 24/7. Trying to forget is really hard.
Anyways other than my insanity! I have no been able to keep food out of my mouth all day. I've had either diet pop or crackers in my mouth all day. It's actually crazy. I'm going to gain all my weight back! Like I totally gained 5 lbs in the past 2 days! Not even cool. But at the same time I'm like why do I feel a need to be super thin. And it's not even that. I don't want super skinny legs that if I took a step i'd break em. I want a small waist and reasonable sized thighs and sort of
I still think i'm fat though. Even though I take xs-s in tops and 3 and 5 in jeans. I'm not trying to show off to anyone saying oh look i'm smaller than you! I just want to feel comfortable and not have to look in my reflection and feel disgusted with myself. I constantly have my arm over my stomach because I think it bulges and I don't want people making fun of me. Oh my the insecurities!
Can't say i'm like that all the time though. Sometimes...not often but I feel like i'm sooo skinny and I kind of flaunt it for abit. It's short lived. Because even if I wear the tightest and shortest dress and I get compliments, my mind still tells me to suck in everytime I walk in front of people ...and I do. It's become second nature and it's soo strange!
And you know how t.v shows the girls are like to their friends Do this make me look fat and you the viewer are like " Really bitch your a size 0 shut the fuck up your gorgeous and tiny as a toothpick" Ok maybe thats just me LOL Anyhowwww! I was trying on a dress this summer and I loved it! So I walked out of the dressing room into the store to show my mom and the girl working and a few customers just stopped and stared. Thats all they did! So I got really freaked out and was like "Omg mom does this make me look fat" Without even thinking it just came out of my mouth! And the girl in one of the dressing rooms came out and was like " Hunnie that dress does not make you look fat ok? " It was just the tone she used like I said before, Like omg I can't believe you said that tone. Kind of emotionless thinking that I was saying it because I just wanted people to tell me how I looked to boost my self esteem. No no I thought I was fat! I legit thought people were staring thinking oh my god who does she think she is trying to wear that dress! Anyhow the dress was a size 2 <-- totally irrelevant, It's an aqua 1950's dress :) Beautiful dress!
There I go again on another rant! Kind of just took off!
Whew! Maybe I should post a picture :)
I will if I can find it!
Well thats enough today. even though I didnt even get to saying I had 3 people call me for an interview in one day. Yupp!!!! Anyways thats enough!
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