Sept 12/13 , 2012 :P

Hey
Ok it's 12:09am on Thursday the 13th but whatever :P It's still Wed.
Well I've debating on and off for the past few days to write. I've been sorta busy...ish But I've been in a horrible mood. So I tried to wait and see if i'd calm down a bit before I WHAM! Just totally flip out after almost two weeks of not saying anything.
Unfortunately I have nothing nice to say. But I'm not taking Thumpers approach and " Don't say nothing at all". Because this is MY zone where I can say whatever I feel like saying whenever I feel like saying it! Booyah! Whew! Ok now actually on to something instead of me skipping around things.
I am truly and utterly pissed off. At just about everything actually. I'm become such a vile and horrible person. I can't stand the sight of myself sometimes. I'm so...so Fake! I don't know who I am anymore. I went from pouring everything I had out of me, to bottling and shoving everything back in and hiding it. I've heard that I'm nice, and pleasant and always happy. I'm not :( I'm really not.
I've hurt people recently. I know I have. And it's like I do and I don't. Like I want to meet someone that I will fall in love with so I'm just giving everyone a chance and pretty much just crushing them because i'm not really interested in anything. Even though I've completely come clean to these people when I've first came in contact with them and said this but it's like I know it's bad and wrong and like let me give you senario... I tell you straight up that I'm going to punch you in the face. Does that make it ok because I warned you in advance? NO! But that's exactly what i'm doing. And like there is no one to blame but myself. I'm just fucked up. Like I see people and they're like oh well that's understandable because so-and-so did this.. NO! People hurt others everyday and crush them everyday and it's not right but it's a revolving circle. Nothing is right. I can't blame my parents for my upbringing. Nor can I hurt people's feeling's and be like well I had a
rough childhood, So what? Nor can I do it for no reason. I'm not quite sure what i'm getting at. Well I do. Ok re-phrase i'm not sure how this is coming across because everything can be taken in another way then what it is intended to be taken.
Why does everything have to be so god damn unclear for me right now? I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I know I need help but I don't know what for. I don't know what to ask for. I don't wanna have these rights if i'm clearly killing myself day to day. I want to be locked up with the rest of the monsters in the world. I fear i'm a threat to myself and everyone else. I should clarify. I'm not planning on hurting a particular person or anyone. I'm not a murderer. BUT I think I should be locked away with the rest of these horrible/not so horrible people. Depends how you take it. Ok there is no way  to even explain what I mean by that statement. It's just how I feel. I don't know why I really don't. I really think i'm that horrible and that bad that I should be categorized like that. Nor am I saying that people who are similar to me should be in the same situation... I don't know, i'm just digging a hole for myself right now metaphorically. These words are meaningless unless I my can figure out the message underneath.
I guess it's because of the way I think and what I say and...how it affects others.. People don't need that.
I wish they could lock me up against my will and make me better against my will because i'm never going to seek that kind of help willingly. And eventually i'm going to die. And i'm not scared. I'm here because others want me here. I really really wish my rights can be taken away by the doctors. ask me tomorrow and I'll prob be like hell no! No one is changing my lifestyle. And that's my problem. I'm aware of my problems but completely oblivious to them also.
Anyhow this is all a result from the letter I've received about my appt with the Terrace clinic. I was on a 4 month waiting list just for an appt. I don't know I really don't. I just wannna fucking drink and curse my god damn head off. It prob won't help any but what odds!
Ciao!