Sept. 27, 2012

Hey
I'm just soo bitchy lately.
And It's horrible.
I try and find a way to make the horrible things I say seem ok.
I'm honestly not out to hurt anyone. I care alot about people. Even people I don't like. When I pick fights with people yes it's because you've annoyed me but i'm letting you know you did. I hate it because it seems soo wrong.
Ok so Rebecca. She is a nice girl she deeply loves the people around her and has grown attached to me. I don't feel the same. I was fine at the beginning having someone to want to hang out with me but then it was turning into all the time every second. Honestly I can not handle that. I can't. My mind has twisted and morphed everything she does into bad. Maybe it is. I don't know her all that well. But My mind has came to the conclusion that she is a liar, she is out to hurt me, She gets what she wants, shes possessive, and that I'm being trapped. I cannot. Cannot unchange this. It's like my mind only wants to reveal the bad. Shes done good things but it's bad. I've tried soo hard to break it down and tell her point blank how I feel. And I have. But it's like its jibberish and she don't want to hear it. She refuses to. No matter what happens i'm getting screwed. I really don't want to hurt her feelings and do what h.b did to me and just be like yeah forget about me. It has to happen but I can't. I care if shes hurt. I don't enjoy hurting people. I've said over and over that I am free and I don't like being tied down nor will I give in to being grounded. But Ya know what. I'm done. I was done a long time ago. Right now looking back if I was a therapist or psych I wouldn't take my words seriously. Because I've said this for months.I'm not lying. Nor do I think I shouldn't be taken seriously but that's how I feel other people perceive me. I cut for relief. I do it so little because it hurts other people! I bottle stuff up. I let most of it out when I can but like I don't know. I actually think I need help. I'm trying to seek it. I want to overdose on everything I can find. But I know the consequences of some of it and it's not 100%. I need that 100%. I need it to work. I don't want to get caught. and yet I do. I need someone to catch me.
I've gone off tangent once again.
None of this makes any sense. It just doesn't. I'm mad and frustrated.
Byee