I really gotta stop drinking
I get so jealous and sooky.
I overreact and act a certain way so I don't come off like i'm overreacting?
I dont need people talking to me 24/7 but i like people to just be there and like MY friend is here and not even interested in speaking to me. She's all up into talking to my sisters friend's. I don't care who shes talking to. And this isn't about me and i'm not trying to make it about me so that's why i'm hid off in my room on this.
It's like im starting to feel suicidal so i'm writing it out. Really the only god damn thing stopping me is because my sister pretends she doesnt like anything or anyone but she trulys does and if I do anything she'll be soo broken and like I really have no purpose here. And i'm being such a coward staying here. I'm like oh ya I wanna die and yada yada but i'm not doing anything. Well I am but then even I don't feel I am. I wanna run away and like o.d and someone find me in the a.m but I want a solid plan so people know what happened and how it isnt their fault. I dont want false rumours sent around.
I could take alot of insulin right now and people would think i'm drunk and like leave me alone for a bit and then it would be too late. But my sisters friend died so i can't, it's christmas so i can't, it's my sister's bday I can't, it's easter I can't it's a god damn fucking occasion every time and I can't be remembered as the one who ruined such a holiday. one day people will forget me or just get so fed up but it'll happen way before that. Soon actually. Maybe the one year? Maybe in feb. who knows. I know I don't. I'm just a crazy drunk. A fuck up. A nobody.
I'm done talking. it's not happening now but I heard the perfect quote today. "The one's who are depressed are always the happiest ones"
Ciao
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