May 27, 2012

Some comparing of how I think. It's fucked. I think 2 ways with everything.
Eating.
Normal- Have a small burger or a sundae for lunch :) I'll work it off
ED- No no your not eating. Ok have a salad. Then the Normal cuts in and it's like but I'll go low and have to eat more. so
N 1- ED 0
Weight
N- I'm 126lbs i'm fine, Healthy weight, could do some sit-ups and some extra exercise for fun :)
ED- You fucking cow your fine at 123lbs, That's a better weight, your still big but it's better than being 126 ew.
You have rolls everywhere and like there's fat EVERYWHERE. Your not wearing shorts.
Harming
N- I don't want to anymore, I'll stop, I want to be healthy and beautiful to have curves and look good.
ED- Do it, your fat , your not revealing anything anyways. The hopes of being fit is an illusion and a dream that will never come true. 
Blood sugars
N- I want to have regular sugars and eat right and not worry about gaining weight from insulin.
ED- Your going to have high sugars because it will make you lose weight and make you really sick and hopefully kill you. 
The funny thing is if it goes high without my intention of it doing so I get worried. Strange huh?
Insulin
N- It don't make you gain weight. it's a medication you need to not make you sick.
ED- It makes you gain weight you loser, stop taking it, you'll love the results, a smaller and thinner you.
Treatment
N- I need help from myself, I need help. I need to stop feeling this way it's not right.
ED- There're not going to help you, they're just going to put you on drugs. And make you eat lots. No. you don't want to live anyways.

This is how I feel everyday 24/7 with everything. Obviously it's not this cut and dry but this is a basic idea. It's horrible, I'm miserable to myself and others. I'm ruining my life. of which I do and Don't want to live.
I see no hope, but I want to live. A reason. See? But I don't to go on medication. It's something I can abuse. I have a very sick mind. I want to be stick thin but then I just want to be thin and tone. I do want to see my bones, and I don't I just want to see my frame.
This is obviously a double day. I'm super irrational today. Someday's I have really really good days And I think sanely for the most part. I wasn't to cut up my hips and tummy so bad. Why? to seek help? or is because I think that low of myself but! I have an appt tomorrow, then their discharging me and a part of me is rebelling and fighting for some reason. But yet i've refused help countless times. :( I don't know. On the same hand i'm not sick? I'm not small enough to get help? I'm not stick thin like some girls (who are beautiful!) I find beauty in everybody but myself. Even larger girls I see thinness for some strange reason. That sounded bitchy but it wasn't. Anyways I needed a vent. again. i've gone 2 weeks without speaking to a psych. losing my mind. Well gone to eat supper. puke.
Thats another thing! I shall continue this thing I was doing. Maybe I'll see since from it. ? I don't know.
Well i'm off to work too!
Ciao!