April 15, 2012

Hey!
Sooooo! Been having a pretty good week :)
It's like the bike riding and the going-out for drives has ultimately calmed me.
Yes drinking calmed me but I feel soo guilty doing it. I kind of hate drinking. Putting unnecessary liquids into my body. And it only calms me for a while and then I feel like crap.
But the past week i've gone for 3 bike rides. 3 more coming up for work :) It's funny, It'll take me 1/2 hr to get to work by bike but 2 hours by bus :/ weighing the options here hahaha I hate the bus so the answer is obvious!
I've gained weight but it's like I care and I don't. Yes if I wake up and my weight is 126 I freak. Why no idea ?but if I wake up 123-125 i'm fine. I've been doing really good the past couple of days though, I think. Like I'm trying to reason and reward my self. Ok so today I went for an hr bike ride with the dog on the leash, plus I went for a walk with mom and the pup. So I rewarded myself with an ice-cream cone after the bike ride and a donut after the walk. Thats kind of what I want to train my mind into thinking "junk" is for. Given after exercise or like as a treat. I'm working towards it being like a treat once every few days. But seeing that I use it as regular food now, it's going to be abit of work :) I know that this is still obsessive food behaviour BUT! Today for breakfast I had a peanut butter toast :P, 1/2 cup of soy, and a banana :O !!! Almost all the food groups :) I felt so proud because I haven't done that with breakfast in forever :) And my weight never changed because I worked it off with biking and my sugars didn't go low.
That's what I need to tell myself that I can eat these foods right, exercise and not gain weight, but look healthier I suppose <-- I don't see anything wrong like too skinny wise with myself but some people do. So i'm trying I really really am.
I'm trying to build relationships, with my mom and sister, forget old, and realize that I don't need a romantic relationship right now because I need time for me :) Friends will be amazing but I don't want to be around them if all they want to do is sit, drink, and smoke pot. Not to say that sitting and drinking after a long day at work isn't bad but like not alll the time! I want to walk, bike, run, go bowling, mini golfing, swimming, camping, zip-lining, hehehe fun stuff :)
Well I totally meant for this to be positive and right now I think it is :) I have to go sook and laze around because tomorrow is my first day at a new high school :O OH NOOOO! lol Scared shitless. Really am. But I won't let my anxiety get to me I will be fine, I will not kill anybody with my cooking :P It will be a fun day :)
Well off to watch Rizzoli and isles :) My new fav show!
Ciao!!!!