March 6th, 2012

Hey
It's funny how a mood can change drastically over a day.
Maybe it because for the first time in about a month that i've stopped the negative thinking on my own. Not with the help of cutting, or drinking. But from being around people that actually want me around.
Like when I was out today I stopped thinking everyone around me was staring at me because I was fat trying to be skinny.
But before I left the house this morning, with mom yelling at me and such I felt horrible and I really felt like I was really really fat, I just wanted to throw up the small slice of pizza I had.
Anyways back to the positive.
I felt wanted. Or I let myself actually accept it.
I try soo hard all the time to please others, put their feelings above mine. Which is good in some sense but not when it's bad. Like them telling me i'm over reacting when I'm not. It's how I feel and this is objective not subjective.
Like always trying both side of everything is exhausting to a point. So what i'm going to try and do is say how I reallly feel no matter how hurtful or how nice it is. I do say how I feel for the most part anyways but it's like I try to argue my feelings to benefit others.  So Like I say i'm mad, but I say the little things that make me mad not the main thing.
 I think that's why It didn't work with me and H. I always put her feelings above mine, I cared sooo much and yes I said the little things that bothered me but not the main things. Which just made us become extremely confused about one another. I know learning to like someone you tell the good and bad but it felt like the negative was always there, which made me trying to trust her extremely difficult. Then I became too clingy and got super depressed ( not because of her, just a contributing factor to everything). The timing was just really unfortunate, if only I hadn't gotten sick over the ED or diabetes would we still work or was it just the similarities were undestined to be. Who knows really.
I'm in a very decent mood right now, not to say its going to stay like this or maybe it will. Looking at everything I don't think I really want to die. I just need somebody to be there and not disappear or to only be there when it's for the good times. I need somebody that will be there for both.
As for the eating. I think I'll consider calling the ED doctor and say I'm interested in starting the program. But I really need to get in shape. Not to lose weight. But I think picking up running or just going to the gym once a week would be beneficial :)
See I'm picking life. I bet this demon of stubbornness is going to be fighting me the whole way but as long as I have people that I know I can trust, not maybe...that  I KNOW I CAN TRUST I think I could start to fight this thing.
I got past the first step of admitting I have a problem. That was sooo hard even just admitting it here..I need control taken from me so I can regain it again the right way or at least in a better way.
Well whew this was alot :)Big change from this morning with a ton of F bombs and stuff.
I think if everyone can stop fighting with me negatively and fight with me to make things better then things could take a turn for the best :)
I need support though. :)
Well this is ended on a good note :)
Ciao darling's!