I hate it when I feel a need to blurt out these unrational feelings when i'm mad. Like obviously I wouldn't say something I didn't mean, but I tend to say really harsh and hurtful things when I'm hurt. I hate to cut anybody out of my life no matter how hard I want to. And cutting someone out doesn't make these feelings stop. I think I made a bad decision in saying I could just cut you out and forget about you. Because I really don't.
I'm like this with everything. Like if I really like something I express my feeling to the fullest at that time. Or if I want something vice versa. I'm very spontaneous about things and I don't think. And I usually accept the consequences. But I don't like this particular consequence so much. I know how I said I hate my father. Like I don't want anything to do with him, I could care less if he was here or not. But yet I do care to a degree I suppose. If he was actually gone then I think I would have some remorse over the things I said. I think.
To everybody I must seem like a crazy ex gf. I prob am who knows. But it's hard to explain things when you only get part of the message. So I can go on and on about oh she isn't talking to me because of the way I feel about myself and to say the bare minimum because I promised I wouldn't say anything.
Ok this is what I don't get.
We met online Jan.23 I do believe. Pretty good. Chatted back and forth sparsely for a few days. Then constantly for about a week till we were officially Gf/Gf Jan.30.
I got out of nursing officially Feb 1 was my last day. Unfortunate! We were still good texting each other good morning and good night and everything like we had since we started chatting.
Then on Feb 10 everything seemed to get weird. I remember this because it was the night me her and her friend got our belly buttons pierced. Nothing happened bad happened to us specifically. Anyways she went 2 or 3 days with texting me a word. Like I was use to her going 6-8 hrs without texting me because she had work and I got that. But that was so strange and ever since then she was really distant from me. So the times we hung out after that I thought things went good. But texting wise she didn't seem interested. So I was constantly worried about her, did she like me, did she care? All these thoughts. And like she went on her pof everyday. I have no right to say what she went on and how much she did but thats not what bugged me. We met on this dating site and I was after changing my status to uninterested but she never changed hers. And like its one thing to go on and check messages but if people didn't know you weren't single?? Then yeah. This and still is making me sooo confused.
I get I was a downer because of how I felt. But at least I was honest. I could have hid it. But I cared enough to let her know. And why did she things start off strong then fade really fast. Like something def happened on the 10th. Had to but I just don't know what. I'm trying to analyze all the possibilities on both of our sides but I don't get it.
Once my mind accepts a challenge it don't let go easily. Plus the fact I let myself care and depend on someone to.
Maybe one of these days it will come to me. Maybe the answer will come.
Don't try to push yourself so hard trying to figure it out. Step away for a few days, try not to thiink about it, then come back to it and see if you can look at it from a different point of view. Maybe that could help.
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Tell my mind that! My brain, my heart and my mind are having a constant fight with each other. I've been constantly thinking the whole time we were together! Maybe thats what went wrong. Ok you have now seen the crazy lunatic obsessive me !
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